And the rollercoaster continues

[MichelleLT]

While half of the refund is technically his, considering what he has already had you pay for, I don't think any logical person could say you don't deserve to keep all of it.

Perhaps you could take the very very nice tactic and tell him that you're more than happy to help him out AGAIN and not to worry about it? Does reverse psychology work on him?

[klm]

Yep, and half the mortgage is technically his too....so if I keep it then he is just paying his half this month. Sorry just had to get that off my chest.

The thing about it is that I was going to give him half. He insisted that I keep it all. Then as soon as he gets mad at me "half that money is his!" I don't even really mind giving it to him if he is going to use it for things that would help his financial situation. I know him. He would have that money spent today. Yeah, he may take care of the phone but then he would buy video games, and other fun things. I would rather save the money in case I ever get in a bind on the house. ...but if I dictate how he spends it then I am controlling.

No, unfortunately reverse psychology doesn't work on him.

One thing that irritates me is that if we were living together then we would actually be saving money. I give my mom money each month that I wouldn't have to give her. We are both paying for cable/internet. His phone is $100, and I could add him to mine and the total for both would be $100. I figure we could save about $500 a month just by simply moving back in together.

[MichelleLT]

Have you thought about saying that you would like to move in together?

And what about saying you will give him just enough for the cell phone and then putting the rest towards your joint bill such as the mortgage and credit card? That logic is pretty hard to argue with.

And what about reminding him that he said you should keep it all?

[klm]

And what about reminding him that he said you should keep it all?

I have. He just makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it does.

I did see him after work today. I apologized for how I acted yesterday....not for my feelings, but how I expressed them. He said I shouldn't apologize and I had every right to feel and act that way.

He did say that he hates seeing me upset. He said that I get upset and then he feels bad and then he just shuts down. I told him the reason I get so angry is because he shuts down and it just seems like he doesn't care at all that I am upset. He told me that he cares but that is how he deals with it because he can't fix it or do anything to make me feel better.

He said he goes back and forth from one week to the next about wanting to be with me. He said he feels like he deserves to be unhappy and he feels lost. I asked him when he started feeling lost and he said when it became a realization that he was getting out of the AF, but he still wanted to do it. Now that he has done it things are horrible and he wishes he hadn't gotten out.

Have you thought about saying that you would like to move in together?

I have brought this up since he said it a couple of weeks ago. He really meant it at the time. Now he says he doesn't know, his feelings go back and forth. He says I can move in if I want...but I want him to WANT me to move in.

He said he can't call me to ask me to do things with him because he has no money. I told him we can do things that don't cost money. He said he has nothing to offer me.

So for now I am just going to give him some space and take some space of my own.

[MichelleLT]

He told me that he cares but that is how he deals with it because he can't fix it or do anything to make me feel better.

That is such a typical guy thing, and one of the reasons they don't like to talk. I have found that being specific about two/three actions (that way he gets to choose which gives him his independence) that WOULD fix it. If he knows a way he can fix it, he most likely will.

He says I can move in if I want...but I want him to WANT me to move in.

I don't think he would have asked you, or would say you could, if he didn't. If he didn't, he'd say no or nevermind.

He said he has nothing to offer me.

And he probably feels that way a lot. Time and space will definitely give him time to figure some things out. But I also think some cheerleading from you would go a long way.

I hope you had a good night.

[klm]

I have found that being specific about two/three actions (that way he gets to choose which gives him his independence) that WOULD fix it. If he knows a way he can fix it, he most likely will.

I will try this. The problem is that I am not sure how to fix it myself. I just think it is going to take time. He has to be open and honest with me...consistency would also be good. If he is down or if he needs time alone...then just tell me, I can't read his mind. I am obviously not a good mind reader.

I don't think he would have asked you, or would say you could, if he didn't. If he didn't, he'd say no or nevermind.

I do think he really meant it when he said it a couple of weeks ago. Today it was "you can move in if you want, I mean if you brought your stuff over I wouldn't turn you away. Your name is on the lease I wouldn't really have the right. But I think it would be out of convenience just so you don't have to live with your mom."

He did say he would go back to the dr with me if I wanted. I said I would be ok, he would probably be working and he said he could get off, just to let him know. I thought that was nice of him and I thanked him for it. I may take him up on that.

[klm]

Oh yeah, H told me I looked nice today when he saw me, so his attitude was completely different from yesterday.

AND the batman figurine was gone. I meant to tell him that I appreciate him doing that, it shows me that he is considering my feelings....but I forgot after I left so the next time I am in his care I will acknowledge it.

[MichelleLT]

Today it was "you can move in if you want, I mean if you brought your stuff over I wouldn't turn you away. Your name is on the lease I wouldn't really have the right. But I think it would be out of convenience just so you don't have to live with your mom."

What I got out of that, and obviously I have no body language / context for it, is that he thinks you would only move in with him out of convenience, not because you wanted to. I think he was actually asking if you wanted to live with him because of the R and not because of the fights with you mom. I may be totally off though.

That's awesome about the compliments and getting rid of batman and also the drs. There really are a bunch of positives in between all the crap.

[klm]

Hmmm...I reread what I wrote...and I can see how you could have drawn that conclusion. I really don't think that is what he meant though. Could be, I'll just have to think about that some more.

I think he is really nervous about the possibility and to be quite honest, I am too.

That's awesome about the compliments and getting rid of batman and also the drs. There really are a bunch of positives in between all the crap.

Is there any way to get rid of all the crap in between???? I do need to work on how I approach things. I could really tell today that my attitude had an affect on him. I had said I wasn't going to let his crappy attitude bring me down and I didn't and his seemed to change. I have to remember that.

[Starshyne]

I think the getting rid of the Batman was a HUGE thing! Good for him! I swear, the things he says totally reminds me of my H! I have said things to him and felt like he totally didn't respect me or care and then he would do exactly what I asked. I think your H is making some positive steps. However...I am not sure if they are big enough and positive enough for you to want to stay in this marriage.