Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

wow, quite a reply. thanks.

Have you read men are from mars, women from venus? It talks about how men don't don't, and what to do about it. I think there is some value in this idea, but limited. Still, you might want to look into, if you haven't already.

Seeing his other ways of communicating is good, like his actions. Good thinking.

At least the OW has a new significant other. And your H seems open about what he is doing. I don't know why so many people won't go to counseling. If your having trouble with your golf swing, you go to a pro. We aren't born knowing how to do everything in life, like how to be married. Somethings wrong, why not go to a pro, or coach. Makes sense to me. Even if everything is really good, you might learn something that would make it even better.

Of course, I've heard there are a lot of bad counselors out there. (Maybe people think they're bad 'cause the C tells them things they don't want to hear?)

I don't think we're needy, or, our spouses are just as needy.

Any ideas what it is about your approach that encourages her to see you as needy and spoiled?

Not really. I know I hate the way the dog will follow me around, with those stupid eyes, begging for what he wants. It pisses me off. I really hope that's not what my W thinks I'm like.

Here's an idea. I express a need and ask, in a way, for her to help me satisfy that need. She feels inadequate and is afraid she will fail to meet my expectations. Her fear of failure makes her not want to help me, and it makes her angry. Or, maybe, subconsciencely (spelling?) I do try to manipulate her, guilt her, into it, so she resents me for that. Or, because she has always, in her mind, done for others and to please others, she is resentful and I am the person she feels secure enough with to express that resentment and anger. Or.... ???

And you said yourself that you made it through, that you like who you are. So, why do you still feel this? Or, why do you still allow yourself to feel like this?

If I said to hell with it, I want a divorce, I'm going on my own, then it would be easy. I have to face the feeling of rejection, have the courage to do it, have the courage to ask for what I want, express my feelings, risk rejection, in order to build the marriage. I can stand the feeling of rejection. I can deal with it. But it's still scary and difficult. I'm thinking facing those fears, taking a chance, is the only way. What do you think?

I did have a nice day, as far as my W and me (work was a typical Monday).

What intrigues me most is you've said a couple of times that you feel the way I do, that you could have written the same thing. I've felt that way about stuff you've written. Someone else feels like I do and is facing the same issues. Maybe we can crack this nut. At least I know I'm not weird in feeling the way I do, and wanting more than just my W coming back.

Time, patience, have always been good tools in DB. They are hard to use though. I get impatient. Maybe the lesson is in having patience and the answers won't come until I really understand how to let go, relax, and wait.

Thanks for the great responses. I hope you had a great day and will have a great evening.