thank you it was v generous of you to allow me to post my mini novel on your thread! I have thought maybe if the children have remained friends with him but thats all in the past and way to much might haves what ifs etc. Time for bed. Thanks again
YES! YES! My H does avoid me and will like almost drops something in my hand rather than take the risk of touching me....sometimes it is ridiculous....sometimes I laugh....rare but I think, wow, this isn't my H at all....he would always touch me and cop a feel or stuff like that....it's in there....just has to come out...that's why I don't give up....my heart tells me to stay....we belong together...some day but for now....I dont like him very much...or I mean his actions....
He says it's not about him, it's about US, our relationship...and I used to believe that but it was all about him....all I did was take care of my family...oh, I have things I've worked on....but never did I think it would end our marriage....it's not over til its over and even then it's not....
Thank you so much for talking to me....sometimes I feel so alone in all this....and I do analyze way too much...and probably think he is with OW more than he is but what else can I think....except I'm learning to put that stop sign up in my head.....it works sometimes...other times it tears me down...
D21 was home all weekend....saw that I was losing it on Saturday, crying and everything was going wrong...she came to the rescue...she fixed the internet and kept S10 all day yesterday while we were at volleyball with D15....she is a wonderful daughter....and I look at her and think, wow, when I was her age I was about to give birth to her.....makes you think.....but my kids and I spent the evening together and at one point we were upstairs and I looked at all of them and said, "look, all my children are with me....and I smiled...they laughed and we went and sat on S10's bed and chatted....H will never have that....that's a moment in time that's mine alone....
God Bless you YR.....and I'll probably keep at you with questions...I hope you dont' mind....
Treese
Last edited by Treese; 05/12/0811:57 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Ask all the questions you want. I don't mind because I was where you are now. I know about the good days and bad days. It will get better. Everyone used to tell me that and I couldn't see it getting better but it did.
I found out when my h came home he didn't spend as much time with the ow as I thought. At first he did then the newness wore off and she didn't want to do things with him anymore. All she wanted to do is drink. So it goes to show you that what we think and what actually happens doesn't always ring true.
Right now it is ALL about him. Yes there are probably things that you need to work on, just as I did, but it is his issues he needs to deal with. Just be patient.
My S used to come to my rescue too. He and his friend would take me out to clubs and we would have a great time. It got me out and away from things for a while. I am glad your D helped you out!!!!!
YR, My H may be WAS or MLC. Still not sure. - He still sounds bitter and seems to blame me even though he admits his bad temper damaged our M. - He says we're not right for each other. - Says he's afraid of me because I was controlling and didn't give him any slack. - says I am too light a sleeper (for his snoring) - even though he sees my changes, he still drags out all the past stuff. - says he can spend his money exactly as he pleases - when I suggested trying things out (while still apart), the answer was "I don't want to lead you on". Does that mean he has no intention of coming home ever? So, if he has so many complaints and doesn't want to give us a chance, why is he enjoying intimacy with me? -PH
YR, I'm so happy you told us about how your H acted. My H gave me the finger the night he cussed me out. He was an azzzz.... too!! He claimed I had done some underhanded things. I snooped! I did get into his work email (he threatened to send me to jail for that) but that is how I got all the evidence on him. My lawyer said there would be nothing to the part about suing. While H was in the house with me for 5 months after he told me he wanted a D, there were times he would come in & not even speak to me. He was terrible & it is all about him! Some of this scares me that he might not come back because he is so proud & blamed me for everything.
H just quit his job & got another one in the same town & state as OW, she helped him get the job. I saw where she re-did his resume on Sept. 4th, I thought everything was fine with us & then he tells me Sept. 6th he wanted a D.
I'm so glad to hear how your H did & acted b/c it does sound a lot like mine. My first thread is in Newcomers, if you have time to read, it may sound a lot like your sitch.
Again, thank you so much for your imput for all of us going through this. I'm so proud for you!!!!!
Naej, thanks for interesting and long post. I think that my h is slightly different from yours though, maybe not.
He is having a total meltdown/ breakdown - we went to one therapy session together during his last return attempt and that freaked him out, and he wouldn't go again, but I continued therapy, and the therapist said he was deeply traumatized. A week before he left the first time we were making serious long terms plans - at his prompting. He has made several attempts to return, and desperately wants to have a relationshp with his children. They resist NOT because they can't stand OW [whch is is true, but my h also has a very troubled r with her] but because he is too erratic and delusional about life to have a relationship with anyone.
He is classic MLC - everything is everyone else's fault. And yes, he may never come out of it, and if he does, the marriage may not be what he wants so I am not living in continual hope. He keeps his distance, but certainly is not one who never lookd back. For example we all got gifts this last Christmas, although he had been vituperative only 2 months before!
But it has been a long time. Although if you look at the stages from the start of Replay to coming out of withdrawl is around three and a half years, which is sobering.
I think the OW is a big clue - if they find someone 'suitable ' [even if we do not like her!] for them I think they are more likely to make a life with her. If she is crazy it is more likely a distraction while they sort themselves out - but again, there are clearly no hard and fast rules.
I would stress that this is just MO, and dealing with a MLCer has taught me that self delusion is extremely easy!
Well YR....messed up this morning....saw on the bank card that H was at the pub last night at midnight...and I asked him if he was at a pub when he called me this morning....I didn't want to but my mouth was quicker than my biting.....I want to just forget about it and not even be bothered with it but when I see it it digs at me...
Do I apologize for asking? Leave it alone? I need to back pedal to before I asked about it....I want to act like I don't care and to some degree I don't I just wish I was with him.....I guess that's why it bothers me....he's going by himself or with the OW......
did you ever ask questions like this or is it just me....and if you did, did your H say it bothered him....my H just says it's none of my business where he is and who he's with...I guess he's right....
I am screwing this up totally...HHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh......
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Angelica, the more I read about MLC the less I know or am sure about. I do believe it happens to varying degrees but I also believe as a spouse left behind you can make all sorts fit. Rather like reading a medical dictionary. Yes I agree about OW comments tho. My H never blamed me always said I did everything better than OW. He had a perfectly happy and normal childhood, we had a perfectly normal life no major problems. He never had any of the "Isms" so frequently talked about personality disorders etc. I guess we just outgrew each other and he got bored maybe. OW always chased him we laughed about it! He bought a red sports car joined a gym, new clothes etc but that doesn,t make him MLC just that by that stage in his life we had a little spare money. You are so right about self delusional we are all guilty of that some more so than others and after reading this board for so long it hits me straight in the face, but pointing out the obvious is never well received. I remain so grateful for the v happy 30 odd years I had and for my children. MY x did say to my d he would like to see me, but even now I am not sure it would do me any good.
