Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Angelica,

You are helping, believe me and I appreciate it more than you can ever know. I just got home from work and need to take S13 to karate. He is getting changed so I wanted to drop a quick note back.

I hate self-pity. Really I do! I hate melodrama too so look where I am.....good grief! It's more of a self-loathing thing that being melodramatic. I just don't see anything in me that would ever be attractive to another soul. It's just a matter of knowing my limitations and knowing how fortunate I was to ever have met my H in the first place. I'll find a way to get on, I'm sure of it, but this is just so much pain and agony.

Truly, I have all the help my family can afford, which is none. My mom won't allow someone other than me to take her to and from dialysis except in case of emergency. Of course, my slipping sanity could be considered an emergency! I have other family here and they have offered to help with her but that hasn't worked out at all. They all have busy lives and are on the run constantly. Pinning one of them down to commit to taking her is virtually impossible. People like to offer, they just don't like to follow through. I guess that's why I just do it all myself. I stopped asking for help because it never came through.

I went through Divorce Care over the last 13 weeks and it was a wonderful support. I really feel like I bonded with a few of the women in the group. They are really great and I would like to get together with them again now that our group has ended. Maybe that would be a start to finding a new life for myself. I just get a WHOLE LOT of guilt from my mom whenever I leave the house and I'm not going to work or taking S13 to karate. Those seem to be the only times I can leave without her getting whiny.

I'm working on the sleep thing. I have Ambien but I hate to take it. I'm usually just so wired in the evenings and my brain is always in overdrive at night. It makes it impossible to fall asleep. When I do start to relax and close my eyes I have visions of my H and OW together laughing at me, having a grand old time together. H playing with her son and forgetting all about ours.

On my way home tonight I realized that I had a VM on my cell. It was my MIL. She started out by thanking me for the mother's day card I sent her from my son and I had written a note in it telling her that no matter what happened between my H and I, she would always be my family and I love her. She left me a LONG message that I couldn't understand half of because 1)she has an extremely thick spanish accent and 2)she was crying. Mix those two and it was impossible. I cried a lot on my way home. I know I need to call her back but it will have to wait until after karate.

I'll check in when I get back tonight.

Hugs to all of you! You are all such wonderful support and really are helping to pull me out of this funk.