I understand what you're telling me, and I agree with it all. Right now though, I'm just feeling like this whole sitch is totally hopeless (and I'm usually saying that in every sitch, there is always hope! It's there, you just have to open your eyes and look for it.). I'm in such a bad mindset, and I'm trying to find my way out. It's so freakin' hard.
Giving H a taste of his own medicine works but then it doesn't. Sometimes behaving on his level will get him to see where he is acting inappropriately, too. But it also paints a VERY ugly picture of me in his head, and it makes me miserable to think that this might be the only way I can get through to him, because talking sure doesn't help!
Even AOS (one of his LLs) doesn't help. I had dirty laundry sorted out on our bedroom floor yesterday, he saw his clothes in with mine and the boys and said, "Don't do my laundry. I don't want you to." I said why not, it needs to be done. He said he appreciated it but no, he would do it himself. Then he dug his dirty clothes out from the rest and threw them in his own, seperate pile on his closet floor. WTF?!
He doesn't seem to want WOA either! His primary LL. He'll ask me if I see a difference in him as far as weight loss, I'll say yes, he's doing great, then he'll immediately get negative and say things like, "No I don't!", "God, I hate looking like this!", or "Whatever.".
I feel like I'm being set up to fail. I never know what's expected of me and what's not.
I better not forget to stock up on Gatorade because if I do, then that means I don't care....but I'd better not do his laundry......because why??? I don't know. I don't get it! I've done it for him before, and he never had a problem with it then. He would always say thank you.
*Sigh* You're right, I should've just thanked him for the candy. My only poor excuse was that I was angry the day started off the way that it had, he lied about it being from the kids when it wasn't (he was trying to guilt trip me), and he refused my act of kindness (doing his laundry). That was almost like a slap in the face - I was trying to do something nice for him, but he wouldn't accept it - and I suppose this is how it must have felt for him, too.
I let my anger and frustration get the better of me, and I was wrong.
I just feel like no matter how many times he apologizes, or when I apologize, it's seen as too little, too late on both sides, and I'm getting tired of having to always be the understanding one. The one who knows what needs to happen but won't do it because I'm not seeing anything in return when I do try.
WHY do I even want to try when he won't give me the time of day?
I'm just frustrated and mad.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
GF sounds to me like your H is going through the menopause
Seriously though have you read the 'Irritable Male'. Can't remember off the top of my head who it is by and i have put my copy away. Its the equivalent of the male menopause and it certainly answered a few questions for me. Not that I'm going to get to put the answers into action
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Have not read "The Irritable Male" (Jed Diamond), but I googled it and took the quiz. On a scale of 0 - 150, my H scored 112 ("76 and higher: Irritable Male Syndrome is definitely present and getting help is most important"), and the categories he scored the highest in were:
Type 6: Exhausted Men who fall into this category are tired a good deal of the time. We often feel stressed at home and at work. Life can seem overwhelming at times and we think of getting away from it all. Our energy level is low and it seems we are often running on empty. We may have difficulty sleeping. We often feel we haven't lived up to our potential. 133.33
Type 1: Grumpy Men who fall into type 1 are often hypersensitive. Little things can set us off and we become annoyed and angry. We are sure that someone else (often our partner, family, or co-workers) are doing things to irritate us. Often it's the people who live with us who suffer the most. It's the most common type and most difficult to recognize in ourselves. 128
Type 9: Bored Men who fall into this category act bored, but often feel frustrated. We feel quite cynical about life and often think that things are going down the tubes. Although we are dissatisfied with the way things are we don't have much hope that things will improve. We can be quite cutting in our remarks and often don't realize the pain we cause. 114
Type 4: Unappreciated Men who fall into this category often feel unappreciated and unloved. Whether we are with a partner or on our own we have a deep feeling of sadness and loneliness. We try and be nice and accommodating but it seems that we give more than we receive. We long to have an intimate partnership, but our hidden anger often pushes people away. 108
Type 8: Escape Men who fall into this category cover their feelings with alcohol and other drugs, food, T.V., and computers. We use nicotine to give us a boost as well as to relax. We may smoke marijuana. Alcohol is often a significant presence in our lives. We often over-eat and spend hours lost in front of the T.V. or the computer. We want to zone out. 100
VERY interesting.....Sooooooo, it sounds like my H is totally suffering from IMS!
Huh. I wish I could get my H to take the quiz. Somehow I think I'd rate him as more moody than he would rate himself. Not sure which would be more accurate though since he's obviously got the denial going strong.
Maybe you can slip something into his coffee!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Huh. I wish I could get my H to take the quiz. Somehow I think I'd rate him as more moody than he would rate himself. Not sure which would be more accurate though since he's obviously got the denial going strong.
The accuracy could definitely be off (as I'm sure you guessed, I took it for H!). There's no way he would take it himself, but I believe I answered as honestly and as fairly as I could.
Quote:
Maybe you can slip something into his coffee!
Gatorade, Michelle! Gatorade!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Get a herbal mood stabilizer or something in gel capsule form and just dissolve them in the Gatorade!!!
I really should, shouldnt' I?! Hmmm, I wonder if he'd notice any little floaties in his drink...
Today has been a decent one with no R talks thus far - Yay!!! - and none are likely to happen since H is gone for the night (work).
Before he left earlier this afternoon, he did talk to me about other things going on with work and one of his long-time friends, so that was cool...seeing as how he said before that he didn't like talking to me. The only thing that wasn't cool about it though was that he was venting for 20 minutes straight about every incompetent thing his friend does, at work and in all other areas of his life.
I listened, kept eye contact here and there (I was putting things away, doing my chores), and validated his thoughts where I could. However, towards the end of his rant, I did tell him that perhaps he should do with (friend) what he is doing with SIL, and that was to realize that (friend) is just going to do what he wants, no matter what anyone tells him. H can try convincing him all he wants that he's "an idiot" (H's words) til he turns blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is that (friend)'s not going to listen if he doesn't want to. He didn't say anything. Just went into the living room with S3 to say bye.
Anyway, for the last couple of years, I've had this recurring dream (had it again last night) where I'm on an island (like Hawaii or wherever), and I'm trying to escape this massive tsunami. First, I'm on the beach with many other people, and I see it coming. The tsunami is in the distance, but it's growing, and growing, and it's getting closer and closer. Everyone's panicking (understandably so!) and running for their lives to reach higher ground, but it doesn't matter because this tsunami is HUGE! Like taller than the tallest skyscraper in the world! Just soooo HUGE!!!
Some other people and I always manage to take cover in a house or a building. Then the house gets engulfed by the tsunami but it's still intact. Doors and windows are sealed shut but there are small leaks in different places. I'm trapped underwater in that house hoping to God that it doesn't cave in. Then finally the water recedes, and I feel a sense of relief because I think it's over and so happy that I survived, until I look off in the distance again, and see another, even LARGER tsunami coming.
That's where my dream will usually end. It's as if it's "to be continued".
Last night's dream was different this time. Started out the same as always, but this time, H, S8, and S3 were there with me (don't know where S12 was - lucky guy!), and also this time, I didn't make it to safety. I was stuck with S3 in....I suppose an undercurrent of some sort. In my dream, I really felt like I was about to drown! My lungs were burning to take in some air, but of course, I couldn't, and I was trying so hard to hold on to S3, but the current ripped him away from me.
Somehow I made it out though. I think I lost consciousness in my dream and was awakened by the sound of people talking closeby. I was stuck in a ventilation shaft or something in a church. They heard me trying to claw my way out and helped me. Then I saw H there, and all I could ask him was, "Where are the boys? Where are they? Are they ok?" He told me that they didn't make it. After that, that's all I can remember.
What a HORRIBLE nightmare. Ugh!!
*Sigh*
Well I went on to this dream interpretation site and found it intriguing. This is what it had to say:
Tsunami To see a tsunami in your dream, represents that you are being overwhelmed by some repressed feelings or unconscious material that is rising up to the surface. You are experiencing some unhappiness and emotional instability in some waking situation.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
The only thing that wasn't cool about it though was that he was venting for 20 minutes straight about every incompetent thing his friend does, at work and in all other areas of his life.