Mishka - I am so very sorry for your sitch. I know it is extremely difficult.
I went through period of thinking that my life was over, and then I realised that it is only over if I think and believe it is. My husband has also been and gone several times, and it hurts. The way your life is now,I can see it is hard to be optimistic, but looking at it rationally there is no reason why you should be alone for the rest of your life. That is melodramatic.
Right now you are utterly overwhelmed, and I think that anything I suggested you would find a good reason for rejecting. Believe me, I have been there.
You have a job, a mildly autistic son, and an invalid mother. your own health isn't great, and your husband has left. It isn't good, and in the midst of this you are trying to keep going. I am assuming that you have explored every avenue for geting help with your son and your mother to give you a little more time? You need emotional and physical/practical support, and if you can no longer afford therapy, even group therapy, then please try and get some help. You are drowning in all you have to do, and it is making you feel self pity, which is understandable, but not attractive.
You are not even geting enough sleep - it is no wonder you feel so dreadful
Only you can solve your problems. I am sure if you posted your exact practical problems you would get a wealth of suggestion. I don't live in the US, so I only know the support that exists in the UK. Suicide is never the solution, as you know, butif you are even thinking about it you need help and fast. PLEASE for the sake of your mother and son, to whom you are everything, get help.
All I can say is that some way down the line you will be glad that you hung on and were brave. Duty is so very very under-rated in our society. People laugh at it, and make it sound cheerless, but to stay in there, and keep doing what you really don't want to, that is heroic. you are a heroine, and now you know that they didn't feel heroic at the time, they felt miserable, and downright suicidal at times.
