Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Angelica,

I hear what you're saying and i appreciate it. I was in therapy until after H left for the 3rd time. After that, I had no choice but to stop because it was killing my budget. I've also given up a lot of other things that were good for me like my diet doctor and the gym. They are too expensive on my limited funds now. I had to choose between therapy and my medications for diabetes and high blood pressure. I wish I could still go because it did help me a lot.

Angelica, how do you make peace with the fact that your life is over, all of your dreams are destroyed and you will be alone for the rest of your days, responsible for every little thing, and still find a way to do things to make yourself happy?

I have no time for myself other than Sunday morning for about two hours when my son and I go to church. I have an invalid mother who is on dialysis three times a week and lives with me and a mildly autistic son who is now failing all of his classes because he went into a tailspin when H left again. I spend every moment I'm home taking care of them, trying to get my son to do his schoolwork (when he remembers to bring it home), along with all the other household things that have to be done. By the time I get to my breaking point every evening, I can't sleep and then I get up the next morning at 6am on 4 hours of sleep if I'm lucky and start all over again.

Where do I find even 1 hour in these crazy days for myself to find a way to heal? Help me please. The pain is just getting worse and worse. Is it because I've given up being angry with my H? Was the anger keeping me more sane somehow? My mind drifts away from my work all day long to thoughts of despair. I sit and pray quietly at my desk for peace and strength but the tears just overwhelm me and I can't function.

I've even contemplated some things that horrified me! I actually got to the point last night that I had a full bottle of Ambien in my hand ready to take them all before the thought of what that would do to my son came to me. Today, I kept thinking that maybe I should tell H that I would move out of the house and he could move back in and be with our son so he would hopefully do better at school since he has gone so far down since H left. WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING??? Oh yeah, brilliant! My son doesn't need to feel that I left him too no matter what my reasoning is.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone? It sure doesn't make sense to me. I've never been this weak person. I've always been a strong and steady, dependable, responsible person. Now my thoughts are so erratic that I actually feel like I'm going insane! Maybe I am.

I just don't want to care about H anymore. I don't want to love him. I just want this to end. I just want to feel thankful for the years we did have together, wish him well with whatever he does with his life, and step away. How long before I can do that? What do I need to do to get there?

OK. I'm so sorry for rambling on and on and sounding like a complete nut job. I really do feel like one now.

I wish all of you the very best of course. If anyone has any strategies for coming to a place of peace, I'm open to listening to them. Of course, they have to be accomplished while I'm doing a dozen other things at the same time so........sock it to me please.