The only thing to be afraid of me on is my mood swings like this and they aren't angry ones, but ones that go from happy to sad. I'm not following all that you're saying about the boundaries though....I can't set boundaries all because he left from me being mean? So that's okay for him to walk all over me then? Why's that?
I'm glad you spoke your feelings, but I wish you would've told me this a long time ago instead of making it seem like you believe he's MLC when you don't feel that from him.
because he treats me poorly Jeanette. He gets angry sometimes still...sure it's subsided TREMENDOUSLY though so that's good; Saying one thing and doing another; things like this. Things a friend wouldn't do let alone a husband. The gifts were great, and I truly appreciate them, I really do. Maybe I expect too much at this point.
I've explained this....I used treat him like garbage, call him names, belittle him, things like that. All because I felt unhappy and that he didn't like coming home and doing things or seem happy to see me (DUH, wonder why!). Now, I treat him very kindly and haven't done any of the past behaviors at all.
Yes Jeanette I recall the info given to me...not ALL of it, but most of it that's said.
Dar I confess I am lost why on earth did you treat the man you love like that-maybe I missed the explanations. I now wonder and I am sorry to say it but are you missing a posession your property ie husband or the love of your life. If its the first then possibly thats why you can't act on the help you have been given, not enough real incentive. Love can move mountains and make us do things for that love that normally we would never be able to do-its an inner strength that we find we have when facing crisis. JMO
Dar... Jeanette was asking you if you had taken notice of my post, not PAST info given, she was referring to my post to you just a couple above... So, whats your answers !?
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenlyAlone
Dar...
He left me because I was mean... why were you mean? What have you learnt about your behaviour and how are you different now?
Also..why are you goading people into having a go at you? Not that they are "having a go" but, why are you almost begging them to be firm or exasperated, or lecture you, or whatver? I find it a bit odd when you implore someone...
So go ahead Jeanette. Why let something fester. If I bug you then just say it. I know you mean well (or at least that's how I'll take it).... thats quite odd Dar. I wouldnt want to encourage someone to tell me that I bug them. Do you think maybe you have low self-esteem or something? Or expect to be spoken to badly? I dont think people should 2x4 you if you are inviting them to, thats too wierd. Its like collusion.
I agree with the poster who said your H saying "I'll give you a call" is like a kind of offhand, general thing that people say, when in actual fact, weeks could go by and he doesnt. Its not like he meant anything by it particularly, the thing is it means FAR more to you than he intended. He ought to be more sensitive and realise you would be expecting a call then, but from everything you have said about your H here, he doesnt sound like the sensitive type.
Do you actually still love him Dar? Enjoy his company? Respect him? Becuase he has treated you incredibly badly and let you down a lot, but you seem to be immune to his faults? Just wondering!
I'm really pleased to hear you are progressing the T.. can you call the Doctor and ask him for the recommendation, instead of waiting for him to get back to you? Better still, just pick a name that feels right and phone one of them, you can tell instantly if you think its someone you will be able to talk to/work with. I ditched one C straight away after 1 minute on the phone and the next person I got was lovely and a huge help.
Just do it !?
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
For example, when he is rude to you on the phone, learn how to hang up the phone.
And for the love of God woman, you have yet to go NC on this Man.
You are still emailing and phoning and leaving messages.
It comes across as needy and desperate.
If he wants his freedom, give it to him.
Give him a chance to miss you.
Let him see what life is like when you are not available anymore.
IF there is an emergency with your Daughter, and I am talking about life threatening illness and being admitted into the hospital, then you may contact him.
Leave him alone.
Work on you.
Let him work on himself.
The post I wrote earlier, I meant every single word.
If he came home today, what would he find?
What does he have to come back to?
And in answer to your question to Jeanette, I don't know why he hasn't Divorced you yet. Maybe he is still thinking about it, maybe he can't afford it, maybe he is too afraid, only he has the answer to that question.
Dar all of these things are just repeats of your twenty somethng other threads. They are all the same. Nothing is different.
I personally find some of your comments to be outrageous, almost to the point of shock value.
Piercing your private parts, discussing a "split" penis, your Cancer, the kid at school who harrassed your Daughter, your insane co-workers, the list goes on and on.
I no longer know what is the truth and what is just a desire for attention.
And I will go one step further, if this is the kind of crap you pulled on your Husband, it answers many questions.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
naej you didn't miss that series of posts. You might just not have been reading Dar's threads yet. It was months ago that we got her to that tiny breakthrough. I had to make her explode before we got the truth out of her about how she treated her husband prior to him leaving. It's been ever since then that we've encouraged her to work on herself - get to the roots of these problems she has that HE has nothing to do with - you know, the same grueling, sucky work the rest of us have done and lived to tell her about over and over and over again?!
Dar - for whatever it's worth to you I respectfully disagree with Jeanette that your H isn't MLC. I think he definitely has some of the earmarks of it. HOWEVER, that is NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. It doesn't change the things YOU should be doing for yourself that in effect just might save your damn marriage if you'd quit being a chicken sh*t so hellbent to deflect the blame onto your husband.
Get into therapy and stop it with the excuses for the delays.
Dar is the only problem that is within Dar's hands to fix.
Your husband's treatment of you is not okay but under the circumstances stay the flip off your high horse about it - you rode his ass and now he's entitled to at least a certain degree of residual disrespect, especially in light of the fact you show so little for yourself anyway. THAT is how you earn respect dar. You SHOW it. For yourself and for others. And ass-kissing ain't respect. Learn it, remember it, live by it.
If you want to change your life, get off your ass and quit talking about it - DO IT. You are the only one who can. If your husband came home tomorrow - you'd quit. And you'd be right the hell back here one day - I guarantee it. So do the work. Look into yourself and deal with your reality that is separate from your husband and separate from your marital issues. I promise you, if you do it, you will be better ALL THE WAY AROUND because of it.
But if you don't do it, if you continue to deny, deflect, procrastinate, defend and justify you are going to grow into a lonely, bitter, unhealthy old woman who will be lucky if even her daughter comes to visit her. Do you know how I know that? Because you remind me so much of my mother it ain't even funny. Yeah I finally figured out why I still post to you. It's because I don't want you to end up like that. I have seen your spirit and it would be a shame to let that happen. But it will happen. And you come closer to that sad reality with each week that passes with you straddling the fence between blaming someone else and accountability to yourself for your own behaviors.
The time to change is now.
Find a therapist and make an appointment this week.
Go back every friggin week and don't talk about your husband.
My two cents worth/2X4: You keep saying that he does things that a husband wouldn't do. Well, I've got news for you: HE AIN'T YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT NOW!!!! And if you keep it up, he never will be.
Get off your @$$ and do something. Call a therapist. Make an appointment. Today. Go today. Quit making excuses.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
