I'm having a hard time today. Mother's Day itself was ok - relaxed with my boys at home then planned on bringing them out for dinner. Stopped by MIL's first to drop off gifts. SIL showed up with her kids shortly after so boys wanted to stay there to eat, which was fine with me.
Today, I found out by accident that the entire family had gone to celebrate Mother's Day together (as we do every year) but didn't invite me and the boys. These things are always arranged by SIL - this year she said her H was making arrangements when I asked about it. On Saturday night, H went out so S5 called me to say that he wanted to come home. I messaged H, asking him if it was ok. H replied: It's ok with me - It's Mother's Day. I didn't realize his feigned generosity was a way to get me to take S5 earlier so I wouldn't find out about lunch the next day. When I went to pick him up, I asked H's aunt and cousin if they were going out on Sunday because I wanted to stop by at some point to drop gifts off. One told me she didn't know, the other said no. Liars. What hurts most is that instead of just telling me the truth, the whole thing was orchestrated in the hopes that I would never find out. I know a lot of it is my fault for assuming I'd be invited, but the rejection from his family still hurts.
Last night (before I found out about the lunch) I emailed H to ask him for some help with finances because of the move. I listed all the things I needed help with and the things I was paying for myself. Since I didn't see him over the weekend, I thanked him for the things he got for kids while on his trip and asked him how his trip went. In the email, I used the initial for his nickname and signed it with my nickname that he hasn't been able to call me in at least a year. He replied this morning. He is going to give me the money to cover everything I listed - even the things I said I'd pay for myself. He went on to tell me about his trip.
I was so relieved that I replied with a huge 180, saying that I was sending him a huge hug and a big fat morning breath kiss. Then I said 'Just Kidding - I brushed my teeth already. Haha. Pretend it's from the boys.' I let him know that I really appreciated it and how much less stressed he made me.
He replied again: 'no problem' then went on to tell me how well his company is doing and how much money he is expecting to come in, then asked when I needed money by.
I replied again - joked how I've been so worried about all these minor things and made a big deal about the amount of money he's expecting. One of the problems in our M is that I didn't support my H fully with work - it was difficult for me to support him, knowing he was doing things behind his father's back. It was the way he wanted to do things that I had trouble with - I knew he had the capabilities. Now, after knowing more about how his father is, I can understand why he did things the way he did, although I still think he could have handled it better.
Anyway, this all happened this morning, and then I found out about the lunch from a distant relative I ran into at school who didn't know we are S. She had bumped into H at the restaurant and asked where me and the boys were. I guess H just said we didn't go. I ended up having to tell her today that we've been S for almost 2 years already.
I cried today for the first time in months. I think the time has come for me to really accept that my H is not coming home. That his family is no longer treating me as part of the family. That H doesn't think of me as family either. Today feels like the day that I know it's time to move on.
Sorry to make this longer than it already is, but while on the verge of a panic attack today, I thought I felt exactly what H was experiencing. How I would do anything to just keep going and survive. Keep myself as busy and distracted as possible in order to not have to think about/deal with my emotions. I even wished I had someone - anyone - I could run to. I decided that I needed to shut off how his family made me feel and just be happy that H was covering my expenses. I know it's not the healthiest way to deal with things, but it's all I can handle at the moment.
Most of my friends think I'm too empathetic and that H is just an ass who I'm letting off the hook too easily. He's enjoying his life, living without any responsibilities, and with someone else. I'm not ready to believe that my H is the ass they make him out to be, but what if they're right?
Feels like this is the hardest part of the race for me. Right now, I feel like I don't have the strength to do this anymore. I'm ready for the D.
