Thank you Cat for keeping a watchful eye on my dismal thread! Figgy, Diggy diggy! A glistening waterfall of smooches to you!
I have thought long and hard about all the tidbits of universal advice that you guys have all given.
I went to an interview last week and it went well. Even if I don't get the job my self esteem at least got a jolt of energy and nourishment. I went to the psychiatrist afterward because I was greatly concerned over my cognitive abilities. I agreed to take medication for most likely acute ADHD and mild Asperger syndrome which I had suspected all along but could no longer adapt to.
While the medication has taken some adjustment it has helped immensely and the "milky" haze in which I travel has evaporated. I have decided to clean up my life in every respect. I snapped on Sat after I filled in for my wife in the dreaded "snack shack" for the baseball game. I ended up having to do 2 shifts and ended without a thank you nor acknowledgment from her or her son. She just proceeded to chide me about not buying her another COACH purse (The other 2 Coach purses she received within the last 6 months no longer suits her style). I went shopping with her and the little one and my oldest. All she spoke about was how I wont buy her the purse and the oldest chimed his disapproval as well. I simply kept shut until she finally burst out with deep sighs "I guess I am the only one capable carrying a conversation!"
I just said "If it is about Coach purses you are right. I am going to have to take another look over my guitar and maybe it might be time to buy a new "Martin"
She was mad as well because I didnt make any plans for mothers day. I said that she had said that she wanted to go the beach and then she changed her mind and said that she wanted to go to the movies with the kids. She denied it all and said that once again I don't make any plans.
On mothers day she told the middle son to clean the bathroom and he promptly told her to "F_ck off!" He has been saying that to me and everyone else in the house a lot lately and that was the final straw. I grabbed his shoulder and told him by no means do you tell your mother to f_ck off let alone on mothers day and his attitude needs to be adjusted or he needs to get out of the house. He told me to F_ck off as well. So I snapped! I told him to promptly f_ck off as well(which was wrong but I have swallowed enough) I called his father and said that he needs to come pick him up and I had enough. He constantly states how much he hates living here and what a hell hole the house is yet he is the only one in the house who never lifts a finger without some smart a$$ reply. Also the whole house revolves around his Baseball schedule. My W bit my head off and said that I had no right to tell him that and he was upset. I said that he should be upset for telling his mother what he said and he had the audacity to make plans with his friends for the day. She said that I needed to go. I said that I had to deliver my moms present anyway.
I could go longer with this scenario but I wont other than I had a wonderful day by myself for a change. I wrote 2 new songs on the guitar, installed a new computer in the garage which for the time being will be my recording studio and went to late evening mass (the meditative mass, my favorite).
I forgot to mention that the middle S father did call back and chided me that he was only reacting to my drunken behavior. I told him that I wasnt drinking and the event that he was talking about was 3 weeks ago and he had only one version to the story. Also I came from a home where my father beat my mother, beat all the kids and went through cars like suits but that doesnt mean it's okay for me to do the same. He of course hung up. My W wanted me to apologize and I said that I will not and the behavior of EVERYONE in this house needs to change. If you dont like it either try to fix it or leave. My shoulders are apparently too fragile to carry the entire weight. Of course she didnt agree and this time I said well things are going to change no matter what, starting with me...I hope it all goes well.
There was much more to the previous week and the days but this post is becoming like "Ben Hur" so I will let it cease for the time being. I am sure there are many 2 x 4's sure to fly but I feel better that I am again taking control of my life and ready to be headed in a direction (whether it is the right one, who knows) but it is a direction. I also feel the spiritual guidance once again which is reassuring and refreshing.
So I make my way out with lucid eyes and sense that the time is now for change.....for a change.....peace