For the guy with kids and WW II

[sandi2]

Hi H4H,

You had asked me to drop by your thread, so here I am...lol. I have tried to read up on your stitch, but you are as bad as I am about those loooog posts. (Just kidding) Journals helps a lot of people kind of work things out in their own minds.

I did start scanning part of the thread so hope I did not miss anything drastic.

In response to a couple of things....here goes:

I asked WW why God had led me there. She said so that I could finally realize. It had to be for something else. Still trying to figure it out. Comments?

Best not to try to figure it out. Maybe God was in it and maybe not....He gets blamed for a lot of things is what my Daddy use to say. If it was to open your eyes and stop deceiving yourself....then maybe, but who knows. Apparently, it wasn't to cause her to feel shame, b/c if it was, it didn't work and usually what God is in.....works. At least that has been my experience.

I don't call her during the day and she doesn't call me. We used to talk during the day or I would email or text something every day. Recently I was doing this until about two months ago, when our big D argument first started.

Our phone calls now are only about 5-20 minutes long, but with good talk. At home, sporadic but good.

I want to start texting her again, but I am trying so hard not to pursue. Maybe start with forwarding funny stuff I get. I used to end every thing with "..Love, R". No more.

I would love to talk to her more and have lunches with her again. Just chit chat when free. Maybe soon.

What do ya'll think?

Well, since you asked.......I think you are pursuing like nobody's business! Listen, sweetie, my husband and I have been M for many years and we never called each other over the phone humpteen times a day, email or text each other. Five to twenty minutes long? Are you kidding me? I thought you were trying to detach. You need to go back to the DR book and start from scratch. You are about to lose this woman and you are still pushing, clinging, and showing how needy you are.

I'm sorry for being so blunt. I know others have told you what a good job you are doing, etc., but this is what I see. I missed something about some woman that was referred to as "B". Anyway, it didn't sound good b/c as "WhatDidIdo" pointed out to you.....stay away. Run like you are running from the devil. On this one...I can promise you...it ain't from God!

I just forwarded WW a funny text. I think I sent it correctly. We'll see if she responds. She has to turn her ringer off when at work, so she may not see for a while.

I feel like, if I can at least rebuild our friendship, then maybe something can come of it. Problem is that we always seem to have our friendship. I know she cares for me and loves me, she is just somewhere else being confused. Just slightly beyond my reach.

This is what I'm talking about. I know you see this as just being a friend thing. I have told H's to keep things at home "light" and on the "friendly" side......but this is pursuing. What is the difference? B/c she has told you she wants a D! She wants to take your kids away from you! Stop calling, stop email....even the jokes/funnies. Stop communicating with her while you and she are at work! This is telling her that she is on your mind all the time. That is not detaching. That is not "cool"! It is pressure to her and pushing her further and further away.

whatdidido has given you so very good advice, but remember, she is trying very hard to forget her OM and wants to work....really work hard on her M. Your W is not wanting to give up her A/OM. She is not wanting to work on your M, so that puts you in a different place from "whatdidido". IMHO, your wife is not in the place where she is wanting your attention...period! Unless I have missed something somewhere in your thread....and if so, I apologize. I am just remembering how I felt when I was where your W seems to be now.

Thats what makes my sitch so much more confusing to me. We care about each other so much.

The things that she saw in me: steady, responsible, serious are the things that now drive her nuts.

I know, I was the same way. I stilled cared for my H even though I was having an EA. I truly did not want to hurt him. I had lived with him for many years and we had raised a family. We had a history together, but everything about him was turning me off. My OM was as opposite from my H as it can get...almost. However, I have read that that seems to be rather common in WAW's, but not the rule.

It may just be a pretty ring for her or maybe another meaning to her.

Don't mean to sound cold, but don't put too much stock in this. Men seem to put more stock in their W's wearing rings, I believe, than the women do. At least, that is what I've read on the board. If she isn't wearing the wedding ring.....don't think this ring on her hand means anything more than jewelery. You are just wanting to see what you want.

I'm at the house doorway and WW just gives me a wave from the car and says she'll call me when they get there. I go to tell D6 to be a good girl and WW walks my way. I go to give her a hug. No hug back at first, but then a half hug. I tell her to please be careful and she says not to worry. I tell her to call me. Say goodbyes again and come inside and hear car drive away. I know that D11 is telling WW that she misses me already. I know her.

I understand the hug.....I really do b/c a person is always concerned for their family when traveling. In all reality, we don't know if that will be our last time to see them. But here again, you need to let her hug first. Again, you put pressure on her. I think you could tell she really didn't want to. The half hug tells the story. I wondered by what you said about the D11 if that was part of your ploy? Her telling mother how much she misses you, etc. Doesn't work.

WW just called about 30 minutes ago. Got to Laredo just fine about 45 minutes prior. FIL had some things to do, so WW rented a hotel and they are at the pool relaxing. Took a while to get there because she stopped off in a town to eat and to refresh. She started getting sleepy on the road. We talk a bit and I tell her that she sounds really tired. She says she is and it is hot. About 105 degrees hot! She says today might be a good day to totally stop smoking. I laughed and agreed. She tells me some of the things she planned and she'll call me later. She sounds out of it, and I suggest they all go take a nap later.

She showed you consideration by letting you know they arrived safely and you handled that call well. Considering how down you were, that was very well done.

If I really call anybody else to see what they are doing tonight, they will want to take me to some kind of singles bar. Not what I want. They all mean well.

Look, you have talked about the "B" woman showing interest in you. You have admitted it is temptation. It is more than that! She knows you are a M man, you have admitted that you need to be wanted, so it is an affair waiting to happen.....and deep down in your heart you want to repay your wife for what she has done to you! That is what your flesh is telling you...."payback time"! "I'll show her how it feels, etc." Maybe you aren't really aware of those feelings, but I could sense it pretty strong in one of your latest posts. Please don't justify an A with "B" to get back at your W. And why go to a bar....especially a singles bar? Man, you've done talked about God, etc., why would you want to do that? You don't have to be with somebody else. It's nice, but not an absolute. Go to a movie or walk the mall or something else. But don't go where hooking up with another woman is a very strong possibility when you are feeling as rejected as you are right now......or anytime for that matter. That is exactly what led to my EA.

I tell her hugs to you.

I tell her "sweet dreams to you." She says ok and then she tell me goodnight.

I know this again sounds cold in me, but you are still pressing her. You see it as showing concern and compassion during a difficult time for your W. But, look at her answer. What does that tell you? As long as she is in the mind frame of a WAW....she does not want to hear...hugs for you & sweet dreams and all that other stuff. And as for the Mother's Day card, flowers and gift......way, way over the top. You are pursuing your ass off. You think you are trying not to be boring, or winning her back by romancing or something....but it will not work. When you are in a certain place in the R....yes, these things work...but you aren't there. That is not your stitch here. You have got to stop being her doormat and you have got to stop following her around like a love sick puppy dog. I will tell you exactly what I told CBK in the post I sent him. Just ditto to you. Stop hanging around that phone, stop waiting on her hand and foot....and stop kissing her ass!

In no way, shape, or form am I suggesting that you try to make her jealous with another woman or even to leave suspicion. I am telling you to GAL....now (without another woman) and to keep busy and stop being available to her. You want her to miss you? Stop being there all the time to go running everything she crooks her finger. You want her to want you? Become more attractive than the OM. You should know how if you've been reading other posts......especially mine (lol). I just want to yell at you to STOP, STOP, STOP doing what you are doing that is pursuing her. I know that men don't seem to get this until it is too late, but look at it this way.....how do you treat other friends? Their not your wife....I heard that answer. No, they are not your wife....exactly! You are still treating her like she is your wife! She doesn't want to be your wife....get it? So, stop treating her like she is. Remember, what I told CBK about how women want what they think they can't have? She knows you are there whenever she decides she wants you. Am I suggesting that you move out? Nope! But, I am telling you to detach yourself like crazy. When at all possible, remove yourself from her presence. If you have to be there at the house while she is, play with the kids, show excitement in everything you do (you know...no boredom here), take the kids somewhere and leave her at home. Act upbeat and happy (regardless of how you feel). Why? B/c who wants to be around a sad, grumpy "old acting" man. Bet the OM doesn't act that way! Go around the house looking good and smelling good enough to eat. Look sexy at all times, especially when you leave the house to ....."just going to the mall to shop for new clothes". This will get her attention a lot quicker than you leaving some sappy Mother's Day Card on the table for her to read and feel guilty over. That is exactly the way she will feel.....guilty.....and she will not be happy with you for it. Not what you wanted to hear, was it? And, since this is the day...after Mother's Day...a little too late for that advice. Anyway, she probably will be nice and mutter something about it being sweet or you shouldn't have,etc. but it won't be what she is really thinking. Considering her emotions due to her dad's health, she might even break down and cry a little. However, SHE IS STILL A WAW!

Okay, you said you didn't mind 2x4's when you asked me to drop by......so how was that? You know, I have spent the past year devoting myself and most of my evenings (which I should really be giving back to my H....but he's usually asleep by the time I get on line) to people here on the board. It was these folks that talked straight to me and got my head out of the fog long enough to see what I was doing. But, you see, I wanted to do something about it.....and right now, your wife doesn't......so, how long it may take her...who knows? There was a reference to how long you could wait.....I will ask you what I have ask a lot of others......just how valuable is she to you? Is she worth the wait?

You still have time, so please don't give up. I know you may get confused about the different messages you get from people on the board b/c we see it from different angles. Some of your best advice has been from "Whatdidido".....and she sees you trying hard to work on your M b/c that is what she is wanting from her H, too. However, they are in "piecing" their M, actually, and you aren't. She will be an asset to this board and in fact I tried to look her up, but her thread had locked. Some day, and soon I hope, you will be a success story and will be able to talk to others and help them. I hope you will keep posting.....no matter what.....and keep reading other threads...b/c so many are similar.

I wouldn't say I'm a success story b/c we are not exactly where we need to be yet, but thank God, we aren't where we used to be, either.

May God bless your family.....and I really mean that. I want so much for this marriage to be saved. It can be, sweetie. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world! Don't forget that. You have the power to do what you need to do. God will give you strength if you just won't give up.

Sandi