And the rollercoaster continues

[stubborn]

crank out the most acidic, caustic, scathingly honest about how you hate her guts letter that you can. Tell her what a loser she really is. OW haters unite! Be a viper, drip venom, she Fing deserves that and more. Then tear it into tiny tiny pieces, pour lighter fluid, nail polish remover or some good "starter" over it, let it burn and then grind it into the dust. Then get a length of rubber hose about 2ft long and beat the crap out of your mattress (in private)

then go grind the pile of ashes into the ground further.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

This sucks, doesn't it?

ps, I'm posting my latest on my own thread and any conversation would be welcome

[Starshyne]

Hi Kris,

I am just now catching up on everyones threads today. With all of the drama in my life, I have been negelecting others. Sorry! I understand that you are at the point of quitting and not wanting him back. And if he isn't willing to make the changes needed to allow the marriage to work, then I don't blame you one bit. You have worked so hard and tried everything btu in the end it takes two, doesn't it? If he isn't going to be there for you, then you need to find someone who will. You are young and wonderful and deserve so much better than him. He can go off with his troll and live under a bridge!

Good luck in whatever you decide...do you already have a lawyer?

Sara

[klm]

Thanks everyone for stopping by!! I just wrote a LONG post and the internet ate it ...so I guess I will try this again. I did talk to H last night, but I will get into that in a minute.

I think there is a fundamental problem with men who have As trying to repair their R later. First, men don't normally like to talk. Second, they like to fix things.

I think you are right once again Michelle. Although the not liking to talk about it part is a new trait in my H. He used to want to talk everything to death. Drove me crazy. ...Now it seems the roles have changed. He did say last night just to tell him how to "fix it". He wasn't sincere when he said it, but when he did, I thought about what you wrote. He just wants it over. He doesn't want to talk about it, he just wants it forgotten.

.....and reminded me of the way that men support each other- by downplaying problems and making out like they're no big deal, whereas what we would do (girls) is to show support and sympathy. Could H have been doing that?

Thanks for stopping by One Day! It could be that is what he was doing. Or he just didn't know what to say. He didn't want me upset and so maybe he was trying to be strong for me.

Thanks Stubborn, I'll stop by your thread too. I am over wanting to call OW. She wouldn't talk to me anyway and I would just get more upset. I don't want her to know she is getting to me. I just wonder what she planned on doing. She told H she wants to come here because she is "worried we are getting back together" So does that mean that they are still together? What was she going to do? Move here? Confront me? What does she care what kind of R he is having? He is 1000 miles away from her!

Last night H did say "I just moved away from her, does that not show you that I don't care anything about her??" I don't think he cares about her, but he is getting something out of that R or he wouldn't still be talking to her. He also said "I couldn't live with her, she is CRAZY and a f'n psycho!" Oh, by the way he has called me crazy and psycho too.....projecting anyone?

With all of the drama in my life, I have been negelecting others. Sorry!

No worries Sara, I feel like I am doing the same thing right now. I just don't feel like much help to anyone.

You have worked so hard and tried everything btu in the end it takes two, doesn't it?

I agree. I will put up with a lot, but I will not let him take advantage of me or treat me badly. He has to put forth some effort too.

Good luck in whatever you decide...do you already have a lawyer?

Thank you. Yes I do have a lawyer. I don't think things would be that complicated since we have already divided things. The biggest issue is the car that has both our names on it. He can't get a loan in his name only so it would have to be sold.

Ok, that is enough for now. I will come back and post about our convo last night in a few minutes.

[klm]

Ok, so last night I go over to H's. I wasn't even mad or in a bad mood when I got there, I just wanted to talk because our convo was cut short the other day. But he was in a BAD mood. He said he had been dreading it all day. *Note to self...scheduled R talks are bad*

He again said he didn't want me to file for D. I told him that I am not happy with things the way they are. Then he said he didn't care if I filed or not. He could take it or leave it (the M). He said he hates talking about things because we never get anywhere. We both just feel worse afterwards. I told him that is why I think counseling would be good for us to help us work through the feelings constructively. He said counseling is BS. So then I asked if he would go through the NJF book with me. He said those books are BS.

I told him I thought the book would really help both of us. I said that reading it has really helped me to empathize with his side of things and maybe it could do the same for him. I said maybe you would see that my feelings aren't irrational. He said "Your feelings about it are irrational. What is done is done and no amount of talking about it is going to make you feel better. Things just set you off...its like you see something and it triggers those feelings again. I can't deal with that. You are going to be doing that 10 years from now!"

I just said..."you know it is interesting that you mentioned that. The book talks about things that trigger those emotions." So he said "ok, what is something that triggers it?" Little background about one of my triggers: I had seen some pics of H and OW both dressed up like batman at halloween, made me sick because he was still completely denying everything at that point and in those pics they were clearly more than friends....and she was clearly not a lesbian. Well, now he has this little batman figurine on his dashboard in his car. It makes me sick everytime I see it because I know she gave that to him and those pics flash into mind. So I told him that.

I told him the book talks about how to avoid those triggers or what to do if it is something you can't avoid, so if he would simply get rid of that then it may help me. He said "That's f'd up! You talk about walking on eggshells, I am NOT going to walk on eggshells around you just so you don't freak out" I told him I didn't expect him to walk on eggshells, but I do need to feel like I can be open with him if something is bothering me without fear of HIM freaking out.

Things didn't get any better. I ended up just leaving. I haven't been that mad since the day I found out he was living with her. I haven't felt that bad either. He told me there was no sense in working on things or talking about the past. He said things weren't bad before so there was nothing to work on, HE has just changed, so I can decide to take it or leave it.

I think I have decided to leave it. I don't think I can file for D before the wedding in June (which is on the anniversary of the bomb ). I just don't have the strength.

[klm]

Today H sends me a text:
H: I need to know if you plan on keeping all the tax rebate money.
Me: I thought we had already discussed this.
H: Refresh my memory.
Me: You said I should keep it all.
H: I was wanting to get rid of my cell phone depending on how much it would cost to cancel.
Me: Why can't you just quit paying it? (Ok, I was trying to bait him. I know the reason he won't just quit paying it like he has other bills...because it is in OW's name and he doesn't want to be responsible for messing up her credit...however mine is unimportant)
H: Contract
Me: You had a contract with cingular.(He changed so it wouldn't cost so much to talk to OW...they get M2M)
H: Still owe them too.
Me: So why not do the same thing?
H: Then don't worry about it.
Me: I was just curious. I just don't understand why that bill is more important than others.
H: It's not more important, it would just be one less bill if I could make a clean cut from it.
Me: Ok, just wondered.

Sorry, OW didn't worry about screwing up my marriage....and is still actively trying to screw it up....so forgive me if I am not worried about her credit.

[MichelleLT]

Well, him getting rid of his cell phone would cut one major tie with OW right? That seems like a big positive. I wonder if he's really sick of her drama and she won't stop contacting him. I would imagine he wants the clean break because otherwise he's going to have to deal with her because of the financial issues?

[klm]

I would imagine he wants the clean break because otherwise he's going to have to deal with her because of the financial issues?

Hmmm...I didn't really think of it that way. I just thought of it as him trying to protect her. Good point.

Yes, him getting rid of it would cut a major tie. Both financially and also one less way for her to contact him.

So that poses a question. Do I help him with this? I am guessing it would be about $200 to break the contract.

[MichelleLT]

As for the rest, I think you can still apply what you are learning without him reading the book(s). Plus, he may change his mind in a month or even a week about the books or MC or both. Obviously asking him about it is not getting the reaction you want - so you may need to try something else.

I see so many positives in your situation. And while I agree that MC and the books are an important step in healing, I think you two are on slightly different timelines and have different approaches and there is no compromising going on. You are both entrenched in your positions.

You have tentatively set a deadline of June. How are you going to DB until then?

[MichelleLT]

Hmmm, well, I think you could help him out on a loan basis. I think you need more info. How much exactly, and how much help he would need. Plus maybe a discussion about it being a loan but that he needs to pay you back at $50 a month for the next few months or some such?

How do you think he would react to the idea of a loan? How do you think he would react to the discussion? How about a lack thereof - i.e. do you think he would feel obligated to pay you back w/o you saying anything?

[klm]

Well, he actually said he would go to MC last night. But he was mean about it and i don't want to force him to go, I think the right attitude has to be there.

You are both entrenched in your positions.

You are right. As you have said before...do I want to be right or do I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I just don't know how to get past it. He keeps asking me what he needs to do and honestly I don't know. I think he is right about a lot of the things he says. I am stuck and as soon as I get mad at him I throw it in his face, just like last night.

You have tentatively set a deadline of June. How are you going to DB until then?

First off I need to stop fighting with him. I need to continue to do things for myself and DETACH. I have to quit taking his actions and attitude personally. My imagination is my worst enemy.

How do you think he would react to the idea of a loan?

Honestly I think he would get mad and say "Half of that money is MINE and you want me to pay it back? Just forget it." Even if I brought up the fact that I am paying all of the house, have paid his rent, and his car payment. He will see me as controlling him yet again.

How about a lack thereof - i.e. do you think he would feel obligated to pay you back w/o you saying anything?

No, he would not feel obligated.

I am not trying to shoot down your idea, I thought of it too, and I guess it is worth a shot...but I just feel like he would make me feel guilty for loaning him his own (in his mind) money.