Ok, so last night I go over to H's. I wasn't even mad or in a bad mood when I got there, I just wanted to talk because our convo was cut short the other day. But he was in a BAD mood. He said he had been dreading it all day. *Note to self...scheduled R talks are bad*

He again said he didn't want me to file for D. I told him that I am not happy with things the way they are. Then he said he didn't care if I filed or not. He could take it or leave it (the M). He said he hates talking about things because we never get anywhere. We both just feel worse afterwards. I told him that is why I think counseling would be good for us to help us work through the feelings constructively. He said counseling is BS. So then I asked if he would go through the NJF book with me. He said those books are BS.

I told him I thought the book would really help both of us. I said that reading it has really helped me to empathize with his side of things and maybe it could do the same for him. I said maybe you would see that my feelings aren't irrational. He said "Your feelings about it are irrational. What is done is done and no amount of talking about it is going to make you feel better. Things just set you off...its like you see something and it triggers those feelings again. I can't deal with that. You are going to be doing that 10 years from now!"

I just said..."you know it is interesting that you mentioned that. The book talks about things that trigger those emotions." So he said "ok, what is something that triggers it?" Little background about one of my triggers: I had seen some pics of H and OW both dressed up like batman at halloween, made me sick because he was still completely denying everything at that point and in those pics they were clearly more than friends....and she was clearly not a lesbian. Well, now he has this little batman figurine on his dashboard in his car. It makes me sick everytime I see it because I know she gave that to him and those pics flash into mind. So I told him that.

I told him the book talks about how to avoid those triggers or what to do if it is something you can't avoid, so if he would simply get rid of that then it may help me. He said "That's f'd up! You talk about walking on eggshells, I am NOT going to walk on eggshells around you just so you don't freak out" I told him I didn't expect him to walk on eggshells, but I do need to feel like I can be open with him if something is bothering me without fear of HIM freaking out.

Things didn't get any better. I ended up just leaving. I haven't been that mad since the day I found out he was living with her. I haven't felt that bad either. He told me there was no sense in working on things or talking about the past. He said things weren't bad before so there was nothing to work on, HE has just changed, so I can decide to take it or leave it.

I think I have decided to leave it. I don't think I can file for D before the wedding in June (which is on the anniversary of the bomb ). I just don't have the strength.

Kris