so does H still write stuff like BFF forever? ya, that would be upsetting. I really think he is clueless, or just trying to deny it.
I remember dealing with the texting and asked H what he thought was appropriate and he said it probably wasn't appropriate. but then later says, she's just a friend, and she texts me, I don't text her first.
But the problem is, sure, I felt confident that he was just being friends and he wouldn't cheat on me again.. at that time...but I said, sometimes things aren't going to be good with us. Sometimes I'm not going to be happy, and sometimes you may get annoyed with me. I'm not a perfect person. But when those times happen, are you going to be talking to HER about it, or venting to her, and what then? The whole story can change.
I do think that this whole thing is something that would be best to talk about in MC. if you can get him to go. If not, you just have to find a way to make him decide it was his idea to quit.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
To answer your post first - I'm not sure if H is still writing that stuff. His new phone is really confusing. It's easy to see the incoming texts (in fact almost TOO easy, I have to actively work to NOT look at the phone if I want to avoid seeing them). So I know she's still saying the BFF stuff to him. I have no idea how to see his responses/outgoing texts though. I can only guess that his "tone" back is probably similar but I don't know. And agreed - I think MC would be the best. I am thinking about how I want to bring up the subject. Things M-wise are going really well right now and it's scary to "rock the boat" so to speak.
What a great weekend we had!
The wedding was pretty good. Kind of odd as it's his cousin's 2nd wedding (and third serious R that I know of.. she has 2 kids with 2 different prior guys). I know it's kinda wrong of me but I just have a hard time taking M seriously anymore (or right now, anyway). Too much reading here I guess, and too much history for the cousin. I found myself thinking the whole time "yeah right, this is probably all a sham, give it 5 years.." I noticed during the ceremony that H was really distracted too - looking at the grass, checking out the fish in a pond next to where we sat, etc. He did hold my hand though so that was nice. It was just oddly uncomfortable.
The reception was a lot of fun and we danced like crazy. I even did a little bellydancing during a Shakira song. Talk about a 180!! I got a little embarassed and stopped and H said "Nooo don't stop you were doing great! Everyone was totally checking you out." Which of course embarassed me further but that was cool.
Talked to MIL and SIL a lot in the car ride up and at the reception too which was good. Things are getting a lot less awkward there.
FIL's girlfriend is one of the few I've ever talked to about the info H told me about the other cousin's wedding a few years back (the one where he realized he didn't want to be married anymore) - she pulled me aside one time and said "He seems comfortable and happy - maybe this will help erase that other memory?" (or something like that). I thought it was really sweet that she remembered, and took the time to talk to me about it. It wasn't crazy for me to be anxious. But I didn't let it ruin anything.
Sunday morning was a total scramble - running late on brunch since I didn't get all the cleaning/shopping done on Sat due to the wedding. I was cleaning like crazy and H said "I can do that stuff, you go to the store since you know what you need for brunch." I went to the store and got everything - and came home to find the house totally cleaned, vacuumed, and the table set and looking beautiful. And he set it with my grandma's silver that she passed on to me a few years ago. I cried (good way) and thanked him over and over. Wow.
We were about 2 hours late on brunch, but it was really good once I finally got it cooked.. . It was my mom, MIL, SIL, H's grandfather, my bro, and his W. We had a great time. After we ate, H jumped up to clean up and told me not to help - that I did so much work cooking it was the least he could do. WOW, again.
Last night we did some stuff on the racecar and had our traditional Sunday dinner together... just had a really nice, relaxed, happy time together. Great way to finish up the weekend.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
that sounds so wonderful! Did you ever think a year ago that you'd be here right now having your H clean up for you and do such a great job at it!?!
On the little bit of weirdness at the wedding, I wouldn't worry about it at all. It's probably still an awkward thing to be at a wedding, just because of what he did. But the reception sounds like you guys had a great time and that's really important!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Nik, I am really so glad to see you moving forward as you are. You have really followed all of the principles of DB and a true example of how reclaming your self can in the end lead to giving your M another chance. Congrats in getting this far and good luck in the journey that lies ahead. Enjoy the ride!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I just realized I forgot to mention a few things that I think are really important.
Last Thursday night: One of my new (female) friends sent out an email Weds. night saying basically "we girlies need to get together, been too long!" So we planned a happy hour for Thursday night at a restaurant/bar near my house. It's a good central location for a lot of us. So.. I went.. H called while I was on my way there and said his sister wanted to go out downtown (20 min. or so away) for drinks with a guy-friend of his that she's trying to date, and did I want to go? I said cool but I had other plans, have fun. He asked a bit about where I was going, and a few minutes later called back and said "Where are you again?" I repeated the restaurant and he said "Can I come have a beer too?" WOAH! I said "Umm sure but it's all girls, kinda girls night out.. but you can be the popular guy at the table of girls if ya want."
H canceled his plans with his sis, and came by. Two of the ladies he met at that wine/cheese thing I had at my house, the others he hadn't met. At first he seemed uncomfortable but he was OK after a bit. He acted genuinely happy to see the two ladies again, and he remembered details that *I* barely remembered about them which was cool (i.e. one of them was going on a solo trip to Paris and she had bought a new digital camera that she was learning to use at the party, he remembered all of that). I was a bit aloof and made him buy his own drinks at the bar, but otherwise tried to include him in the convo. Funny note is he kept trying to start quiet convos about his racing and I would acknowledge him but still talk to/with my friends instead of focusing on him.
I really found myself wondering - was he checking up on me? Or.. one problem in our "old" M is that I had friends and he had friends. When he didn't really feel comfortable with my friends, I slowly lost touh, and it became "our" friends were "his" friends and I never saw "my" friends anymore. Was he working on that?
Who knows... but he thanked me a few times and said he hoped he didn't "intrude" on the time with my friends. I said not at all, they were glad he came (which they were), and he seemed genuinely happy. He said he felt bad when he left to wash his car.
Friday night:
Another friend and I planned to go to this local food/wine tasting thing. I admit I've been playing a game a bit. H "plans" stuff without telling me or assumes I'm available every night. I've talked to him about it before so this isn't out of nowhere... but I'm somewhat making it a point to plan at least one "meetup" a week, and some stuff on "typical" date nights. I don't lie and I tell him ahead of time, but I don't go into detail unless he either 1. asks, or 2. tells me detail about his plans.
It wasn't a LONG time plan but my friend and I planned it from Tues or so on.. we were busy Friday! H called me at work on Friday at noon and said "We're having dinner with my Dad and his GF." I said "Um.. sorry, already have tix for [event] with [friend.] Have fun though and say hi to everyone!" He was really taken aback a bit and said "Well that's why [Dad] was bringing [girlfriend], so you could visit." I said "I know that sucks, I'd love to catch up with them both! But I have plans, please tell them "hi and I'm sorry to miss them."
H asked a bit about my/our plans and wanted a LOT more detail than I gave.
He was home when I left and made it a point to talk to my friend, who drove. He was home before me.. and made it a point to talk about how much they missed me at dinner and how he told them my "advice" on what to order and they all loved it. Wow. I told him some of the details of the evening and I don't think he's bothered by it at all, but defintely thinking.
At the wedding on Sat his Dad's GF actually mentioned it to me - "I so missed you on Friday but I think that was SO GREAT - you need to be a challenge, make him work for you!" And said "He's so appreciative of you - kept talking about how smart you are, how you help him..." good stuff.
That's been a thing lately, he has been telling me I'm "so smart" and "I wish I was as smart as you." Kinda makes me sad but... I used to get almost defensive, now I just thank him, and tell him ways I think that HE is very smart. (i.e. he can rebuild an engine... I can write a thesis about it but NO wAY could I actually do it ).
Tonight was really good, again.. had dinner w/my Mom and H was super busy so I brought him home restaurant food and heated it up. He was all happy and said "I probably deserve a can of chili, thanks for bringing me a steak, that's above and beyond!"
I know I need to now BACK OFF and be "chase-able" but man it's weird.. haven't done this in years, but it WORKS for us.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I think you are doing enough 180 for him to see your GALing, and independence, but you are still being attentive to him.
I like that you are not just going along with what ever he wants. It shows that you are an individual with your own wants and needs and that what you want is important to.
It really does look Hopefull!
Have a good day.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
(((Nik))) Sounds like you have too many positives to even list on one thread. All your plans and activities and GAL sound so nice and your H is being very involved and I can see the ripples in the pond as his actions are changing in response to yours.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
ya, it all sounds really great. Just keep building him up too. He needs to feel worthy of having you, even though he wasn't worthy before.
Do you ever ask him to do things for you? Did you used to ask him to do everything before? You want him to think your independant and a strong woman who can handle things, since you used to be more anxiety proned, fearful, etc. but with him still putting himself down, that's not a good thing for him to do. But overall, it sounds like everything is going really well!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
It was just oddly uncomfortable. 
but that was cool.
. It was my mom, MIL, SIL, H's grandfather, my bro, and his W. We had a great time. After we ate, H jumped up to clean up and told me not to help - that I did so much work cooking it was the least he could do. WOW, again.