Maybe Last Thread in Separating, Found DB 2 Late

[cw68]

Last thread locked up. Finding DB Late in the Game #4

Sent H a last email this morning. A bit too long, but oh well. I really feel that at this point I need to do what I need to do. I've learned the DB principles well and will continue to use them, but at the same time, I need closure. So the email said pretty much what I feel, mostly that he was unable to face himself and that I feel I put 110% into fixing us and didn't get much in return. The email ended with telling him I will be seeing a lawyer, but that I will not be filing papers. That I don't believe divorce is the answer, but I will not fight him getting one. That all the moves are now his.

Sad, but I definitely feel more free. Him being able to do what he did on Mother's Day allowed me to cut the final cords of attachment and I think I'm just about as detached as I can get, though I have a feeling I may surprise myself with how much more detachment is possible.

The rest of my life begins now.

[cw68]

This is the email I sent. Thanks to all of you who have posted and helped me.

"D6 wasn’t angry this morning, she just told me that she had nothing to say to you. Beyond this, I am not going to tell you how your kids are doing. You’re going to have to step up and find out yourself.

I’m very sorry that this has happened and that our relationship just doesn’t “work” for you. I know there are a zillion things that I did wrong and I tried to address them the best I could, but it’s not possible to fix the ones that I can’t see. Keeping me in the dark about our relationship problems was a sure way to failure.

The last five months I have tried to look long and hard at myself and see things I wanted to change, without input from you. So I did what I could, tried to use our separation as a time for growth and reflection, working my ass off on self-improvement and self-honesty, trying to improve me and my end of our relationship. I realized all I had taken for granted and all that was truly important to me. I’m sure there are things that I still need to work on. That’s positive, but it takes two to make a relationship. Relationships, and ourselves, take effort. Neither one of us seemed to put much into our relationship before and they take much more effort to fix once they’re off track. I was willing to put that effort in once I saw the damage, but it’s apparent that for whatever reason, you were not. I feel I tried my damnedest to put in 110% into fixing our relationship and got 50% from you at best. We deserved more. Our kids deserved more. I don’t believe this is a matter of CAN’T. It was a matter of WON’T.

I know you wouldn’t do marriage counseling or Retrouvaille and I think that’s because you are not willing to face who you are and how you act, the specific things you done to sabotage our relationship. To be told the things you’d have to change. You probably know you’d be told that you are not fair, are uncaring and selfish. You know you’d have to change. Hell, I know that I’d get plenty myself, but to save my marriage, my family and myself, I am willing to look in the mirror and take whatever measures necessary. You have closed yourself off to not only me, but your children and yourself. Now your wife and children have to pay the price.

In ways I thank you for doing what you did yesterday. Seeing just how you can hurt me and the kids definitely puts things in a different perspective. I gave you nice, thoughtful birthday because I thought you deserved a nice, enjoyable day regardless of our relationship and this is the Mother’s Day I get? Is this the Mother’s Day I deserved? It’s definitely made me think. I am going to spend the next year being the best mother my kids could possibly have and all I want in return is a day filled with love. It’s not too much to ask and I am going to get it.

You were a jerk yesterday. Maybe you’ll be a jerk forever, but you might not. Maybe you’ve boxed yourself into a corner. Who knows. All I know is I am done trying to make our relationship better until you are willing to look at yourself, at us and actually take action. While our family definitely deserves more than this, I can only hold up my end of the bargain. Can you? It’s possible, but I don’t know how probable that is.

I am calling a lawyer today. I will not file divorce papers because I don’t believe divorce is the solution to our problems. Instead of being a solution, I feel quite strongly that it will only breed more unhappiness, discomfort and damage to us and our children and it will be never ending. However, I feel the need to make sure I get some ducks in a row.

The next moves are all yours. I will not stop you from divorcing me, I will not stand in your way. But everything from here on out is all you. You know my position. It’s time to decide what kind of life you want to live and how to live it.

With my love forever,
CW68"

[minkerman]

Now THAT's a Dobson Letter, CW!

I feel bad that you are in this situation. However, this might be what is needed to change the dynamic for you and H.

I know what you mean about putting in 110% and only getting 50% back. In my sitch, I felt I was getting even less than that - 25% at best - yet, amazingly, it has turned completely around and things are going very well for my sweetie and I.

I hope, really HOPE, that what you are doing gives you closure in one way or another, and you get what you truly want....whatever that may be!

(((((((CW))))))))

[MichelleLT]

((((((CW)))))))

I think the e-mail was good. You didn't close any doors, but you have detached from the outcome and he knows it. He will have to make up his mind now, no more fence-sitting for him.

You are an amazing and wonderful woman.

[LucasE]

The email is great. I am sorry that you must go through this awful experience. You don't deserve it, but you are able to handle it and you are showing your kids a strength that they will carry for their lives. There will be joy in your life. You made the right move. I am rooting for you.

[cw68]

Thanks everyone.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((cw)))))))
I think you did a good job.

I don't know if he is done, but he has the guilt/pride thing working, so it is going to he hard for him. I think space is your friend right now. If nothing else for your own sanity.

[cw68]

Have been corresponding with H this morning some. His email ended with:

"Regardless of all this stuff, it kills me to see this family break apart, as much as I feel venom towards you at the moment, I literally don’t know if I can go through with this and have to live with splitting our kids lives apart. I’ve been physically and mentally destroyed thinking about this, though I do know that some day, life will go on and I believe that they will lead good healthy lives either way. I can also tell you that either way, I’m going to try to live a good life and one that I can look back on knowing that I made mistakes, but that in general, I took the right path.

That’s all for now, I still do love you and care tremendously about our family, despite all and I hope everybody is doing OK at the house (of cards) today."

[Virtually_Handsome]

If I were you, I would just stay quiet. He's thinking, at least!

[cw68]

I am. And I'm gathering all our financial info, just in case. Must keep myself busy.