Drowning, still...

[CBK]

Sandi and friends,

First, thank you for all you well wishing this weekend. I actually read the posts, just needed to do some real thinking before I responded!

First, I listened to all the advice and we had a very nice weekend. I know WAW was really broken up, especially when we all sat down as a family for meals, etc. I did give her a Mother's Day card that I had bought a long time ago that I had actually recorded my voice saying that she was a great mom and raised two beautiful childred. I signed it "Me" - which is how I always signed my cards, but left out the "Love" which I thought was important this time. Emotionally, it was a better weekend that I thought could happen. I really only had to go find time for myself once, and that was a short period and kept saying to myself "water of a ducks back" as she was just being rude. The only other time is when my dad talked to me. My dad is an amazing man, a man of very few words. It was a good talk and one I will cherrish. That is a quick catch up on the weekend.

it seems to me that you have your worst times when you leave on a trip b/c you "think" too much about your stitch, but then when you are home.....you are doing the same thing, but one thing is for sure...you don't have a clue of what "detachment" is all about or else you just flat bum out every time

You are right, I am having a hard time defining detachment. I have rewritten a piece that Faithful sent me and have been trying to read that every day. I think way to much about my sitch, for the most part, can't keep my mind off of it. However, this weekend, with all the pressures of family, etc. I actually slept 5 hours straight last night without Ambien. My mind was not on the past, but on the now and the future. I am realizing more and more that what I have accomplished in the last 7 weeks was to push WAW further away from me. Although I did hover once yesterday, I was pretty good about finding my space - not giving her space, but finding my space. This detachment thing is a mystery still, but I will get there. I know detachment doesn't mean to stop loving her, and I think that is what I was trying to do. It is amazing how co-dependent I am on WAW, and that hasn't helped. I am actually going to start seeing my IC twice a week for a few weeks to get through this patch.

Do you want every Mother's Day to be associated with the memory of them being told that their mother was having an affair? Stop thinking about yourself, man! Think about these people that are family and think about what you would be doing to them. You are wanting to lash out at your wife and hurt her, but it is these innocent people that love her that you are going to damage.

I would have never told my family during this weekend about W having an A - I think that post was a while back. I have actually come to my own terms with the A - this is something I need to work through. IF, and that is a big if in my book, WAW doesn't come back and ends up with OM, then that will have to be a hurdle much later. My family loves my WAW, there were a few glimpses of her this weekend which was great. You are right though, at the time I wrote that, I wanted to get "back" at my WAW, wrong reasons to divulge anything.

Listen, CBK, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and think about others. It is time to man-up! You need to take responsibility for your part of the breakdown in this M. Yes,she is wrong for her A. But, you had all the signs, as you told about in your first thread.....but you did not do what you needed to do....so get off this train ride and start doing what you need to do NOW!

I keep thinking I have hopped of the train, but for some reason climb right back on the pitty train - hopefully off for awhile and only on for short trips if any. I sensed something wasn't right with our M and WAW has been pretty up front with me in C about these things. I have been doing many 180's about listening to her, trying to spend some quality time, which is very loosely defined right now, with her and just getting stuff done. This is all part of manning up to the issues that were there before the A. I know she appreciates the efforts, I know she had a good weekend with family, I know she is thinking. What I need to do is STOP thinking about every gesture, look, word that she says and reading into them, stop being a mind reader, if I could do that, I wouldn't be in this sitch!

You listen to me like I was your Mama for a minute, okay? You have got to get yourself straighten out and hold it together for this holiday and for the sake of your family and stop being self-centered.

My favorite part of the thread I took these words to heart and I did hold it together in front of family (except for dad once). I was the pillar of confidence, was joking around, cooking Mother's Day lunch and cleaning up afterwards so no moms had to lift a finger. My parents left this morning and I told them how much I appreciated them coming up in and how much it meant to our family. Stop this being about me? Again, these words kicked me in the groin - I guess in a good way if that makes sense. That is all I have been doing. That actually helped me this weekend, I really tried to make it about everybody at our home, I think I did, I hope I did.

You have the advantage b/c you have a history with her, where OM doesn't. You have a family with her, where OM doesn't. But you are screwing yourself up with these backslides. Bet the OM is not acting like that, is he? No, he is listening and validating her feelings. He is being the good guy and you are being.....fill in the blanks.

I have a huge advantage right now. My WAW is at home, she is still wearing her wedding rings, she talks about plans this summer in the garden. I almost backslid a bit last night when going to bed, I wanted to make sure she had a great day, but that would have lead to other convo I am sure. I just said goodnight to her and Happy Mother's Day and would see her in the moring. That was it. Confident, not cockey, not "weepy" - I was okay with this. I am heading to mall this afternoon to get my clothes tailored - even though I am eating, I keep loosing a bit of weight, down about 41 lbs in almost 8 weeks, not good. I am making my doc appointment today. But with that, I actually love my new body! I need to tone the heck out of it and need to get back on my plan of gym, nightly workouts at home and golf. That will help. Kind of a funny story, but I hopped out of the shower this AM, my door was closed since my parents were there, but for some reason, was open when I got out. W walked in when I was just standing their in my birthday suit, she just kind of stared at me and I said come on in, and she did, her eyes gave me the once over, I felt good about myself. Of course, I wanted to jump her bones, but thought better of it... You are right, I am the better of the two men, and she will come to realize that - and I hope I am around when she does.

As you said many times in this post, I need to get OM out of my head!!! I think a few moer 2x4's will do the trick. Actually, like I said, this weeked was much better. I need to keep a PMA and block any of those thoughts out. I know I am the better man, I know we were madly in love and she feels she has fell out - my time to show her who she married. First step, showing her we can be friends, that she can be around me without R talks and me "hovering" to be sure she is "okay." I need to get rid of all the negative and keep working on the friendship. Amidst all my GAL, I love sitting on my front porch and reading with a margarita - need to pick that habit back up now that weather is getting warmer...

Sandi, you are right on, I have been slowly killing myself from the inside. I have been more harmful to myself and my R over the past 7+ weeks and I need to do some more deep thinking about my sitch. I am tired of all the crying and feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of not getting work done in the office, I am tired of always wanting to call W during the day and trying to figure out what she is thinking - these have to stop and with help from this board, my support group and God, I will get past this. I know I have said this before - and I hope when I backslide a bit, you all hit me with a few 2x4's again. Nobody wants to be where we are, but God gave us this hand, and time to turn this back to God and change what I have the power to change - me.

I hope everybody else is doing well - I will start to revisit threads today to catch up.

I try and keep my posts short as well, but in some ways, I am hoping to lock my thread so I can get that new name.

CBK