SallyM, In about one more month, my D will be final. My stbxh has asked or implied numerous times that he would like us to try to work it out. Sadly, there is never ANY action taken to end it w/ow - only more disrespectful behavior on his part. But, one of the most maddening things to me is that he STILL tries to initiate sex... I usally mumble something under my breath about not wanting it.. Next time, I think I need to say a lot of what you did.. Very well done
Put the burden on him. If he wants to fix his life, then he has to make the changes. Break off with OW. No contact. IC to get his head back together. And Retrouvaille for the two of you. Nothing less. He wants to go back to when he was desired by two women, and you were a mess. Don't let that happen.
If we all had Sara's wisdom and resolve, we would be much better off for it. You did do great, keep it up.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I read your post and it made me cry. Your H is just SO mixed up and he keeps knocking you over with his pain.
FWIW I think you acted EXACTLY as you should have done - you should be very proud of yourself. In his heart of hearts it sounds like you H knows he has made a mistake, but if he is to be worthy of a R with you in the future he needs to earn it to value it.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
thank you all so much. its funny, my logical side keeps breaking all this down...he's looking for external fixes to internal problems. its all smoke and mirrors. he's feeling insecure and I'm his emotional security touchstone. all of it. still, it affects me. as much as I can break it all down, I still have that damned glimmer working on me.
I have my own confusions now because of it but am processing them. am working on it. have IC tomorrow, that should help, too. but am working overtime on not feeding into the illusions.
I had a nice mothers day overall. the kids spent the morning with H (it was his b-day, I told him I was totally fine with that) and it ended up taking longer at breakfast than originally planned. he called and felt bad, I was totally fine. after the gym I ended up grabbing my book and lounging on the hammock. so lovely right now...its under my dogwood tree, which is full of blossoms, and my lilacs aren't that far from it and the air was perfumed. my whole yard is a riot of color, in fact. love the spring.
h got here around 1 and we talked outside for a while, and he asked how I felt about yesterday. I said I was confused, and asked how he felt (hey, big step for me, asking all these questions instead of assuming I know the answers), he said confused. he said he just doesn't know what to do or think, that he was sorry if it hurt me that he is so confused (it doesn't)...but instead of seeming sorry, he just had that "backed off" vibe about him.
then surprisingly enough he started kissing me in front of god and everyone (except the kids, they were in the backyard, we were in the front). holy moly. he pulled me inside and tried to have at it, but I said no, its not gonna happen. he asked why, and again I said that he lives with someone else. that I was worth more than a quick f when (if) he's fighting with her. he said that isn't it at all. I said that's all well and good, but that's what it feels like to me right now. and I said that I understand he's confused, and when he's not, well, come back and we'll talk, but until then, nope.
I did, however, kiss him back. many times. this is the oddest part, because when I first found out about the affair (and thought we were working on things) and even later when I knew we weren't but I thought I could, well, be that f-buddy for a bit (no idea wtf I was thinking) I refused to kiss him. I'd have sex with him, but I couldn't kiss him...too intimate. now it seems to be reversed.
anyway, the good news is I did not let it go further. he kept trying, I said no, he is with someone else, he'll be going home there to her soon enough today (he said he didn't know what he was doing, where he was going). I asked if they were fighting, he said it was more complicated that that.
wtf does that mean????
he said that he used to think he was unhappy because of the limbo, but now he is starting to realize that isn't it. then he said I probably knew that all along. and I said yeah. the thing is, he thinks I am going to make him happy...that isn't going to work either. he is looking externally for fixes for internal problems. I didn't say that, because I don't think he was ready (or interested) in hearing it.
before he left we were all inside and I'll admit that I kissed him...I just wanted to. and I gave myself carte blanche with kissing due to his bday, but no more after today. he pulled me upstairs and we made out for a few minutes but I stopped things. sigh. hard to stop. really hard to stop. but I did it. and he asked why again. and I told him I can't be the person he comes to for a quick f or when he and ow are fighting, if that's what it is.
he got MAD. he got so mad. said that wasn't what it was, that I think I know everything but that I don't, that wasn't what this was about. and started going off on how sex to women means everything, and it shouldn't. so I countered with how I just said it seems like it means nothing to him, and he said it just shouldn't have to mean everything.
we got testy with each other, came downstairs, both frustrated. he kept saying for me not to be mad at him, but I am a little. and I told him I was, because he really sucks putting me in this position, knowing how I feel, and that its hard for me to be strong, and blah blah blah. but he kept asking me not to be mad at him, so I finally said I wasn't.
but no more playing with fire. the kissing was nice. really nice. it was sweet and wonderful but no more. not now. he needs to figure things out and when he does, we shall see.
the kids and I left not long after he did and we met my parents for dinner. a really nice time, actually. h and I texted a few times, and I feel like we ended things well.
back to reality today.
Last edited by SallyM; 05/12/0811:57 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
thanks donna. see, I don't think he's being cruel. he's being very selfish, but not intentionally cruel. he's probably not thinking about me right now, more likely its about how I make him feel. he's very confused and very sad and has a lot to work thru. my job is to let him do that, to keep working on myself, and to recognize what the reality is instead of buying into the illusions. trust me, if he ever really wants this life again, if he ever wants to try to make a go of it, to make a new marriage, he'll figure out how to do that.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
that's all I really can do. that and remind myself that this means nothing for me, not at this point.
I told my therapist once that when things like this happen, its like a train stopping for me. I'll be plugging along like a useful little engine and keeping my focus and moving forward and such, and bumps like this will happen and I won't think they really affect me, not much anyway. but then its like a train stopping...it slows down, doesn't stop all at once...and I don't even notice I've lost my momentum till I'm almost at a full stop on the tracks. and it takes sooo much to get chugging along again.
hopefully recognizing that will prevent me from really breaking this time.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
oh sweety))))))))))))))))))) it must've been soo hard for you to have gone through that!!! I just thank God for the strenght He gave you to stop him.
Quote:
I know in my heart he needs help, and that he is addicted to me (security) as much as he is to her (excitement? obsession?).
In the book 'not just friends' it mentions how the problem is not between the kind of women the W and the OW are, it is about what they represent, just like you've said you are the safer stable family icon, the ow represents thoughtless obsession, the craziness. MC told me that stbx told him how he could not relate to me anymore, that the values I represented, my qualities (normalcy, quiet safe family life).
It makes me so mad your h just keeps wanting to cure his unhappiness with getting in bed with you. How it must tear you to hear him say those things and feel his kisses. I'm so proud you didn't give in, you are doing so well honey!!! you let him have his sadness and didnt' burden yourself with a load only he is supposed to carry.
My 2cents: avoid at all costs to be alone with him, don't give him any chance to put a finger on you, it is hard enough to detach when the Hs are being @sses, how can you do it with him trying to be all over you? sounds like he just wants a release and resents you that you feel sex means more, that also boils my blood , grrr!
Yes, if he truly wants his M back he will ditch the ow and move heaven an earth to get you back, your h is sooooo much like my stbx, how he used me as his security blanket while he had a wild time with ow. They are weak, and we've done enough and more to try to fix our Ms, if they want back then they'll have to sweat it and fight tooth and nail. Nothing less can be expected from people who give the Waffle house a run for their money,.
And that song, wow!! i've heard it a million times and never understood the lyrics, how poignant! the lyrics are amazing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
