the wheel stops at 100 today. Stbx came as usual, was all chipper and talked as he used to talk when he was happy in the old days, it send a little stab to my heart, I almost wished he'd be his moody self. He was decently dressed for a chance and sure enough ow's tag was on his car. It isnt' a punch in the gut to see it, but nonetheless I remember all this "it isnt' between you and her" or "I could never will live her, I'd go crazy" etc, etc statements. I guess the end result is the same, he isnt' here, I just feel like it was yet another lie he told me. How easily he is now in another R with no qualms. Ok, so it is a bit of jelousy that he has someone and I don't.
I am so SO SO SO glad that I won't get to see him every morning after September, little one will b at school, he'll have his own place. I prob would've had these feelings on an off all the while.
Something odd happened yesterday, I was leaving the movies with my brother and kids and wasn't thinking of this mess and I actually felt this wonderful happy feeling, true careless happy feeling... and as usual, my instinct when I feel like that is to share it with my H, but alas, no H. BUT, it made think, I dont' think I've had that pure feeling of happiness in a long time, even when he came back! all the time we did nice things, went out and stuff all I could think of is "hope this is making him happy" or "I bet this makes him glad he is back", all my thoughts were centered about him and how I'd hope whatever we were doing would make him feel good.
I want that true happiness feeling again, if not with someone who shares it back (stbx never seemed truly happy no matter what we did, he'd just nod or not say anything) then with my kids and I, it felt so good.
I prob made no sense, lol, but just wanted to get that out in writing
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
