Do you know for sure this is OW and her son? Could this just be someone who your H works with? Just make sure you know for sure before you make a big thing about it.
Also, think really hard about whether this is more hurtful for you or your D. I am not meaning to be obstructive by saying this - my H took my children near OW twice and it makes me feel sick just to think about it - but- it didn't phase my kids because they didn't know what was going on, and when they did find out THEY judged their dad for themselves without me having to say anything.
Remember this is about keeping the situation as calm as possible for your D. I do understand it hurts - but don't let your anger make you lose focus.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
When my spouse left, he swore there was no one else, that he was just tired of surviving the marriage. He left with no forwarding address which concerned my lawyer so she asked for it. When my spouse felt legal pressure he told me "what was really going on".. that he'd dated someone who'd been a friend three times around Thanksgiving, realized he was 'surviving' the marriage, didn't see a long term relationship with her and had accepted her offer to live with her because she knew he'd hate the apartment he was looking at.
A week later while on vacation with the kids, he sends me an email that he'd told the kids he was dating someone.
That was when I lost it. It hurt so much on so many levels. Everything became a lie in my mind. I had no clue about what the truth was. When the kids brought up their dad's discussion about his dating and asked me a question, I told.. I told that he'd been with her during the marriage, moved straight in with her..
THAT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE
May I repeat...
That was a HUGE mistake...
I found that what hurt me, shattered them.
As unfair as it seems As painful as it is..
Please don't make the mistake I did and be the one to tell.
Kids figure it out, they really do.
Imagine yourself as a cast iron frying pan on a heated stove. Your children are the eggs safe in their shells, fragile yet protected. Your anger over the injustice, hurt and lies increases the heat beneath the frying pan. Your children are safe until your boundary of protecting them versus your personal pain crack.
What happens.. the eggs crack and land on the hot pan, sizzling.
If you do blow, at least find a way to poach them or hard boil. No matter how much you hurt, how unfair it is.. please protect them.
What helped me was finding a therapist who's showing me how to build boundaries, take steps to heal. Give yourself the gift of love, Ms. Mary.
thanks guys for your replies. (if this site didn't exist, I don't know WHERE I'd be).
I have not and will not say anything about ow to d5. She's too young to understand anyway and it's totally innapropriate. I made that decision from day 1 after learning about affair.
I just can't believe what LIARS our WAS (esp. cheating ones) are!! He just lies and lies and lies. I feel that I MUST protect my d5 and not have ow around her. I'm waiting to hear back from my lawyer.
I've never known, in my life someone who lies so much, it's almost pathological. I just read a great book called "After the Affair", it's really not a db book, but it explains the dymanics of the whole thing.
One thing that really struck me was how they cut themselves off from friends in their "former, married, normal" lives. That is EXACTLY what h is doing. I'm getting phone calls from people in the city who have been LIFE-LONG friends of h's, saying that he isn't returning emails or phone calls. I also ran into a friend of his in town here saying he saw him at the store and h avoided contact with him.
So the person (according to the book), even though to YOU the LBS, acts like they are so happy with their ow (or OM) and that all is fab, they are actually feeling incredibly embarrassed and see no other way than to hide away into their new world. Esp. when children are involved. It goes on to say that even though they may be acting like everything is so wonderful to YOU, the LBS, they are in fact (esp. if they have cut off contact with friends, etc), struggling very badly inside and feeling intense shame. They feel like they have boxed themselves into a corner. the love the "high" the ow gives them (and the book says affairs actually produce chemical reaction to the brain like a drug), and they want those feelings to continue (esp if they have been unhappy for a while prior to affair), but now they are conflicted because they know that the "right" thing to do is to go back to their families and work on the m, but they feel now that so much damage has been done (esp. if affair has been exposed to all family and friends) that they don't know how to get out of the mess.
It was really helpful to me to read this. That it isn't all roses for h as he is making it out to be. I tell you, for the past 2 weeks, every time I see him, he looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.
It's always good to read about the other perspective. I found a site that talked about the perceptions of the betrayed spouse, the wayward spouse and the other partner. Talk about food for thought.
This sight talked about 'true forgiveness' which frees the betrayed spouse of the anger, which is really hurt, and allows us to truly go on with our lives.
That punishment for his behavior never brings growth, just the opposite. That the true forgiveness is all about loving. It sounds beautiful to me til I get an email that gets me all annoyed. Ugh.
...about 'true forgiveness' which frees the betrayed spouse of the anger, which is really hurt, and allows us to truly go on with our lives...
This is the most powerful thing to do! I do it every day. What ever W did, I need to forgive her and focus on what is important long term....(Jesus says to forgive the ones who hurt you..) Doing this is harder than you think! But remember, IT IS A CHOICE to FORGIVE, and forgiving is good for YOU!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
today was better. I worked (working is good!) and I didn't cry once! I am reading a book about affairs and it is really helping me. It is explaining what is REALLY going on with the spouse who cheats -- what's in their heads. so when h is acting all "happy", etc, there is guilt, confusion, etc. as I have said before, I have noticed lately that he doesn't look well.
the other thing is I am really beginning to examine the entire marriage. he was never there for me emotionally (not just in a normal guy way) and could never handle "all things emotional". I went through a period of illness - not there for me. I went through a period of anxiety attacks -- SO not there for me. didn't want to hear it or talk about it. I felt so alone and I was.
I accepted "crumbs" from him for years because I chose to focus on the other things, like he made me laugh and provided security. but there were major needs that I just pushed away.
anyway, I feel different today. if he chooses to come back, I don't feel desperate today, I would have to really consider things.
Sorry long time no talk! I have been really busy. You sound better, very glad to see it.
I have that same book but I haven't read it yet... maybe I should!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
the last couple of days, as I've said, I've been really looking at the marriage as a whole. As I've stated, he's never been there for me emotionally and I always felt "alone" to a degree in the marriage. but I let that slide because he always made me laugh and was/is a great father and paid the bills on time, etc.
I accepted "crumbs" basically. So yes, it bothers me that he is with OW. I NEVER in a million years thought he would even be capable of doing something like that. he used to make FUN of guys who f'd up their lives by doing that. We were always on the same page in terms of strongly believing and feeling how lucky Isabella was to have TWO parents together. We talked about that all the time.
It's just a shock in terms of the complete character change. But in reality, (I have a great therapist), he's always lied in the marriage (not about affairs), but other things and again, he inability to express or receive any kind of emotion (except during sex) kind of points to where we are now. Not that I didn't play a part. I KNOW that my depresson and anxiety of last fall was the final nail that helped him to cross the line.
So what's interesting to me NOW is that I'm not even sure I want him back! And it's not even about the affair, I think I could forgive him if we had MC. It's about the4 other stuff I just talked about. He is NOT the type of guy to EVER go to IC, not in a million years and I think I would have to require that in order for me to feel like he can see his part in what led him astray.
The things that make me sad now are just the little things. Upstate New York is fab for yard sales and auctions and we hit every one we could last summer. I see yard sale signs and think of him. Or driving in the car and hearing a song that he loves. just stupid stuff like that. I miss his sarcastic humor (he makes me laugh so hard), but other than that, I'm finding that since he was really so detached emotionally since pretty much right after the first few months of dating, my life is pretty much the same.
anyway, thanks for letting me journal. still have a problem that he took ow to buy a new car (for himself) on Friday when I was supposed to go (I got our "old" on -- it's only 3 years old, mine died). He lied to me about it of course, but the salesman let it slip when he called the house because h forgot something and the salesman needed some info.
I don't know why THAT is the one thing about ow that kills me. she was next to him in a chair at the car dealership helping him pick out a car. That was always MY job.
