W and I piecing this M back together #2

[sandi2]

Dear Lan, so when hitting the spot.....was that good or bad? (lol)

Forgive me if you have said in past posts and I can't remember, but has it been sort of "difficult" for your W to give you compliments or praise for things you've done (like cleaning out the garage)? The reason I'm asking is that I did not realize for many, many years that one of the top things that is needed in a man's life is admiration from a woman. That is why a lot of affairs begin--is b/c the W never seems to admire her H's efforts and he meets OP that does. I know, for me, it has always been very hard to show my H admiration. I don't know why! I feel so phony doing it....guess b/c I never got into the practice of it. That has been my downfall in our MR. I try to give him compliments about him dressing up or if he cooks I'll tell him it was good, etc., but to really show admiration like I should....I know I need to really work on that. The reason for me telling all that is I just wondered if your W has always been that way and you are just more aware or sensitive about it now....or has it just started since the M problems? What brought about her change of moods....who knows? Some women can have something said or done to them by a complete stranger at the grocery store and they go home and take it out on their H's. That is so unfair, but it's like kicking the cat when you've had a bad day. Her mood swings are up and down......which I think is common when trying to piece the M back together again. If it wasn't for the mood changes.....it wouldn't be so difficult. Since she was the WAW, it stands to reason that she feels the pressure of the changes....and that is not to say that you have not....I certainly don't mean that at all! I am just seeing it from her POV....that's all. She is struggling and I believe she is feeling a lot of "different" emotions on an hour to hour basis. Patient does not end when you go into piecing....in fact it may need to increase at times. It is hard to know when you are pushing and when you aren't by trying to ask a women how she is feeling. If you ask her "what's wrong" .....you know what her answer is going to be....."Nothing!"...right? But if you just walk over and pull her into your arms and hold her, sometimes, you don't have to say anything. Sometimes, that's all she needs and if she wants to tell you what is wrong, she might open up. Of course, if she pushes away....that means she doesn't want to talk about it. Try not to take offense to that....it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want you, it just means she's not ready to talk yet. Then, just tell her, okay that if she wants to talk about her feelings, you are there for her. Then give her about two seconds, and start to leave. If she doesn't stop you....keep walking away from her and find something to do, like watch TV or something. Don't leave the house right then b/c that will tell her you are mad, (and add more problems to the stitch), but if you just go into the other room, that is telling her that you are still available for her. Depending on her personality, etc., maybe she will come in later and start to tell you what put her in that mood. Depending on the woman's personality (again), some need to be left alone until they get over it and some need to be shown affection and that they are appreciated also. You see, if something happened or was said while she was gone from the house that made her self-esteem drop to zero.....then she came home and you were waiting for her to see what a good job you had done and was waiting for some sign of appreciation from her.......but she was hurting and didn't notice........do you see where this can lead? Everything is so sensitive in "piecing". Emotions are so raw. This is when the H needs to "man-up" (again) and be the stronger person in the M. I have made the statement that a male's ego is the most fragile thing in the world. That is where you can hurt him the worst. However, I know that a woman needs those male arms holding her when she is hurting. And that, my sweetie, is what I mean by being the stronger one. It takes a strong man to overcome his own hurt and go tend to the one he loves.

The war is not over, but the battles are slowly being won, so don't give up. You will get there and you will be able to wave that flag of victory. You have fought so hard and I know that it's very tough and you are more than ready for things to return to normal. When you get down, look back at how far you've come.

P.S. I bet ya she really appreciated all that hard word.....even if she didn't say anything. Kind of like when you may not always say how much you appreciate what all she does around the house or the good meals she prepares. (Just a thought.)

Sandi