There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

thank you all so much. its funny, my logical side keeps breaking all this down...he's looking for external fixes to internal problems. its all smoke and mirrors. he's feeling insecure and I'm his emotional security touchstone. all of it. still, it affects me. as much as I can break it all down, I still have that damned glimmer working on me.

I have my own confusions now because of it but am processing them. am working on it. have IC tomorrow, that should help, too. but am working overtime on not feeding into the illusions.

I had a nice mothers day overall. the kids spent the morning with H (it was his b-day, I told him I was totally fine with that) and it ended up taking longer at breakfast than originally planned. he called and felt bad, I was totally fine. after the gym I ended up grabbing my book and lounging on the hammock. so lovely right now...its under my dogwood tree, which is full of blossoms, and my lilacs aren't that far from it and the air was perfumed. my whole yard is a riot of color, in fact. love the spring.

h got here around 1 and we talked outside for a while, and he asked how I felt about yesterday. I said I was confused, and asked how he felt (hey, big step for me, asking all these questions instead of assuming I know the answers), he said confused. he said he just doesn't know what to do or think, that he was sorry if it hurt me that he is so confused (it doesn't)...but instead of seeming sorry, he just had that "backed off" vibe about him.

then surprisingly enough he started kissing me in front of god and everyone (except the kids, they were in the backyard, we were in the front). holy moly. he pulled me inside and tried to have at it, but I said no, its not gonna happen. he asked why, and again I said that he lives with someone else. that I was worth more than a quick f when (if) he's fighting with her. he said that isn't it at all. I said that's all well and good, but that's what it feels like to me right now. and I said that I understand he's confused, and when he's not, well, come back and we'll talk, but until then, nope.

I did, however, kiss him back. many times. this is the oddest part, because when I first found out about the affair (and thought we were working on things) and even later when I knew we weren't but I thought I could, well, be that f-buddy for a bit (no idea wtf I was thinking) I refused to kiss him. I'd have sex with him, but I couldn't kiss him...too intimate. now it seems to be reversed.

anyway, the good news is I did not let it go further. he kept trying, I said no, he is with someone else, he'll be going home there to her soon enough today (he said he didn't know what he was doing, where he was going). I asked if they were fighting, he said it was more complicated that that.

wtf does that mean????

he said that he used to think he was unhappy because of the limbo, but now he is starting to realize that isn't it. then he said I probably knew that all along. and I said yeah. the thing is, he thinks I am going to make him happy...that isn't going to work either. he is looking externally for fixes for internal problems. I didn't say that, because I don't think he was ready (or interested) in hearing it.

before he left we were all inside and I'll admit that I kissed him...I just wanted to. and I gave myself carte blanche with kissing due to his bday, but no more after today. he pulled me upstairs and we made out for a few minutes but I stopped things. sigh. hard to stop. really hard to stop. but I did it. and he asked why again. and I told him I can't be the person he comes to for a quick f or when he and ow are fighting, if that's what it is.

he got MAD. he got so mad. said that wasn't what it was, that I think I know everything but that I don't, that wasn't what this was about. and started going off on how sex to women means everything, and it shouldn't. so I countered with how I just said it seems like it means nothing to him, and he said it just shouldn't have to mean everything.

we got testy with each other, came downstairs, both frustrated. he kept saying for me not to be mad at him, but I am a little. and I told him I was, because he really sucks putting me in this position, knowing how I feel, and that its hard for me to be strong, and blah blah blah. but he kept asking me not to be mad at him, so I finally said I wasn't.

but no more playing with fire. the kissing was nice. really nice. it was sweet and wonderful but no more. not now. he needs to figure things out and when he does, we shall see.

the kids and I left not long after he did and we met my parents for dinner. a really nice time, actually. h and I texted a few times, and I feel like we ended things well.

back to reality today.