Not selfish--it's a lot of work to slog through a ton of threads to find info, so I'll go ahead and summarize:
H and I met in high school and dated for five years (two years long distance). I thought I knew everything there was to know about him. We came from similar family backgrounds, same religion, were together nearly every free moment--compatible in every way. We married and built a house ourselves, worked long and hard hours for family businesses. After a couple years, I was ready for a baby, he didn't say much about it. It didn't just happen for us, but about three years later, we finally had our first baby girl. He started working for a new company just before the pregnancy. The job involved a great deal of travel, which I thought was cool at first--how exciting for him to experience new places, and I could go along sometimes too.
Baby girl was a life-changing experience, of course. I thought she was a normal baby, but he thought she was loud and a lot of work. (I didn't know he felt this way until later). He was leaving for two weeks at a time every 6-8 weeks at this point. I didn't go along anymore--too much hassle with a baby. I did my best to be a good mom, to keep our home running and to be supportive of him. Nothing exciting...but I thought we were happy. When baby was about 18 months old, I decided it was time to think about another. I asked him what he thought about that. He said, "Do whatever you want to do." (Should have been a red flag, but I admit to being a bit dense at this point.) So I took the fertility drug and baby #2 was on the way.
H seemed less than enthused about having another. He didn't say much when I asked him about it. We both come from big families, when we'd talked about how many kids we wanted, I'd always mentioned 3-4, he'd always said 1-2 in a joking kind of way...I didn't realize how strongly he felt about it, and I just assumed we wanted the same things I did. He kept traveling and started distancing himself. I've since found emails that suggest an EA was turning to a PA during this time.
Our son was born and H was distant, wouldn't hold the baby, was traveling even more. I didn't understand his aloofness and was devastated. He finally told me that he was struggling with anger at me for the second pregnancy. Couldn't stand to be in our home. I went to counseling by myself, learned about taking care of myself, agonized over his distance from me. I found an intimate valentine from OW a year later. Confronted him. He denied anything beyond friendship was going on. We went on a trip, I ended up prego with surprise baby number 3, and was devastated, sure he was going to be outta here. He was not happy, kept up his traveling, but didn't leave me.
When our new daughter was 3 months old, weird things started happening again, and I surprised him by following him to a hotel room he was sharing with a new OW 900 miles from our home. I figured everything was over at that point. We separated. In the aftermath of the bomb, a friend shared DR with me, and I tried to DB. I can't say I was perfect, but I gained a lot of strength and learned a lot more. He seemed perfectly happy with the situation.
After about nine months of separation I followed him in another state again...he was out with OW1. I told him I would be filing for D. I could no longer play along while he enjoyed a double life...part-time H and father here at home and playboy when he was on the road. He came home and decided that he wanted to move back in and work on us.
It's been a little over a year since then, and things seem mostly good. I mentioned the efforts he's put forth on my thread. He has not fully complied with any of the stipulations I put on our reconciliation: 1-no more traveling alone, 2-go to counseling, 3-end contact with OW...but he has made some baby steps. Baby steps combined with aforementioned efforts, I have felt that there has been enough forward motion to continue with our current sitch.
And that's it in a nutshell. Whew. I hate that I was so oblivious in the first place. And that he was capable of doing what he did. But I'm happy to be where I am now...my family is worth the challenge.
Not selfish--it's a lot of work to slog through a ton of threads to find info, so I'll go ahead and summarize:
