Peaceful--Thanks for your insight. I nodded my head through your entire post, because I say many of the same things to myself all the time... I generally try to keep focusing on what I do have, remember that no R is perfect (even those that look that way at church on Sunday), take care of myself, fight off the fear of reccurance, and give as much as I can to my M while having faith that someday it will all work out in the end.
Deauxlie--thanks for dropping by with warm wishes. I hope you had a nice Mother's Day too.
Login--Please, butt in anytime! Additional perspective is always welcome in my neck of the woods. I always appreciate validation that I'm not the only person to feel this way.
I think that it's important to enjoy the fact that things are much better than they were, and to be grateful for the improvement...but after the turmoil of the past several years, the last place I want to be is in a position to go through it all again. And I believe that closeness and intimacy are part of the prevention as well as an ultimate goal. I think I'm doing my part in working towards that. Him? Honestly, I do see him making big effort to show me he loves me...lots of acts of service and touching, which I believe are the love languages he speaks with (not 100% sure if they're the ones he hears with). Why am I not sure? Because he doesn't share as much verbally as I do. I don't know what he's really thinking or feeling at any given time. I think this disconnect is mostly related to differences in gender and personality. But it does leave me with some uncertainty, because he has demonstrated in past actions a great ability to manipulate and deceive.
As for the remorse, he has apologized to me more than once, and it's funny how something so longed for can be so easily minimized in my head when it's received. (I try to not forget that.)
For me the rub comes in the continuation of some "small" habits that I believe contributed significantly to the entire betrayal. If he can't/won't change those, what are the odds it can happen again? I might feel more secure about this if we were connected on a deeper level, but I have what I have, and it's a fine line to walk between gratitude/patience and dissatisfaction/smothering.
I purchased the PM book a while ago, but have not had a chance to sit down and read it yet. I'll try to find some time to go through it and let you know what I think.
