Finding DB late in the game #4

[newnamenewlife]

OMG--that's horrible. I'm so sorry, CW. How could he take the kids on Mother's Day? I don't understand these men at all, but clearly something really is very WRONG with them.

From getting to know you on these boards, I have to say he sounds like an idiot to let you go. You seem strong and centered and forgiving. I think there's some kind of feeling of inadequacy in your H, and mine, and no doubt many others here. Why would they walk away from fantastic women who are so willing to work on the M, and who are the mother of their children? It's just weird.

I'm really surprised too because your H seemed to be coming around for a while there, willing to go to Retrovaille, etc. What is that that he's now freaking out and ending it?

I'm sorry. What did you do today?

[cw68]

I'm still in shock here.

After I posted here my daughter called to tell me that I could come over, that Dad would go somewhere else. I said that I couldn't. I wasn't in any shape to do so and, frankly, I wanted H to be the one who had to deal with them today since we told them we were getting a D.

I went and hit a bucket of balls with my girlfriend, which felt great but wish I could have used my new clubs. Then I called the kids to say goodnight and got the "Why aren't you here? You can come home but you chose not to" guilt trip. Of course then I came here. H and I cried and talked a little.

First I told him that he cannot let the kids get in the way. He said he was sorry and wrong that he wouldn't leave today and I told him I was glad for that, but that he should have been the one who called and not our D6. Coward, if you ask me.

I told him that I know he's a take-it-as-it-comes kind of guy when it comes to our relationship and that that hasn't been doing us any good. Also told him that I am feeling completely out of control, and have for a while, since nothing I want to happen has happened in terms of our relationship. (LMG, he never said he'd do Retro, was just OK with me putting down the deposit.) So I told him he would just have to bare with me and I needed to have a little control. Told him that I needed to lay out the next couple of weeks. That since he pays for the house, I couldn't ask for his key back, but that I expect him to respect me and not just pop in whenever he pleases. That I would have the kids' bag ready on Weds for when he gets done with work and will look forward to them being dropped off in the morning for school. Also mentioned that I was going to start packing up his stuff and we'd have to start decided who got what. He said he didn't care and I affirmed that, but that I needed to do something or I was going to lose it.

He cried and hugged me, apologized, etc. I asked him what kind of man he had turned into that he could do this today of all days. He said that we just started getting into it and it slipped out. I just told him that I wanted so much more, that I wanted it to be so different, that I was sorry he didn't feel that I was there for him and that I would have done anything I could have if he had just told me he was unhappy. (This was in response to earlier in the day when he said he was unhappy for so long.) He said he knew that and then gave indications that perhaps this isn't the last word.

Realistically, I know that it is, but I told him that I still thought we had so much in us and so many tools we hadn't touched, that I still believed we could fix us. Admitted that today was definitely going to make it harder, but that it was still doable. Then I told him it was hard to believe it was really over and how, exactly, do you say goodbye? He said he didn't know. I told him I needed not to talk to him for a few days and he said that he thought it would be a good idea.

Right now I'm torn about getting a L. Rationally I know that I should. This doesn't mean that I have to file or anything, but I think it's time to cover my buttocks. This sucks.

Hugged my S5 to sleep tonight, he was crying like a madman. The poor guy. I know I've said this before, but my heart just keeps breaking and I thought it was already broken.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((cw))))))

I think you are right. It's time to make sure you and the kids are protected. But, as you said, that doesn't mean you have to file.

I think some time away from him is a really good plan. For being in shock, I think you are thinking really clearly. Hang in there!

[Sara]

To say he is inconsiderate and thoughtless is such an understatement. You go way beyond 50% on these conversations. From this vantage point it seems like you do all the talking and he just agrees to some things and disagrees with others. But he's very closed and doesn't hesitate to hurt you and the kids for no apparent reason. Didn't you just give him a nice, thoughtful birthday? And this is what you get? Things aren't fair. No, he won't go to Retrouvaille. He knows that they will tell him that he is not fair, mean and selfish. You will not get change unless he faces who he is and how he acts.

[cw68]

Sara, you are so right on. Without even knowing us, you nailed it.

And that's why I really think I'm going to be moving to the Divorce forum. I don't see that changing. He'd rather make the kids and I face the consequences of his actions instead of him facing himself.