The home which used to be "my" space for 3 years is no longer comfortable. Whenever it's just me and H here (ie - kids are gone, in bed, outside, etc), the tension-filled silence is almost too unbearable to deal with. I can't stand feeling as though I am trapped in my own home with a stranger. An unpleasant, gloomy one, too.
H and I were both home last night. We watched "Braveheart" for the umpteenth time since nothing else seemed worth watching. We didn't talk much. Just some small talk here and there. He asked me which movie did I like best - Braveheart, Gladiator, or 300. They're all great movies I think, so tough choice, but because Braveheart was the first one out, I think I still like it the best. H said his favorite is 300. Anyway, he went to bed around midnight, and me about an hour later.
This morning, we were just waking up and still laying in bed when H asked me what was I doing today. I told him that I had some more work to do, but after that, I wasn't sure. The kids weren't going to be home for at least another couple hours (then). Shortly after that, I got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and sat at the counter to sign Mother's Day cards for my mom, MIL, and H's grandma. H came into the kitchen a few minutes later, and I asked him to sign his mom's card. He looked at the gift I wrapped for her and then at the card and said, "Is this from me? Or from the both of us?" I said the both of us. He signed the card then left to the bedroom again. Then he came back out into the kitchen area and asked, "What do I need to do to make an eye doctor appt? Who do I call?"
A little background - there has been an issue with H's health insurance for us. I have not received any of our medical cards (mine or the boys), and I have asked H to find out what we need to do to get them (he's got to get this info from his HR rep). It's already May, for goodness sake! I am able to go online and look for providers in our plan, but that doesn't help me with getting ID cards. It sucks having to make appts without having that needed info (our medical numbers, group number, insurance plan, etc) immediately available. I know the name of our insurance plan, but have no idea what our individual ID numbers are. Ok, now I'm rambling!
Since I haven't had to make any vision appts so far this year, I asked H if the vision insurance was the same as last year. He said it was, so I told him the name of the website, he needed to pick out a doctor, then call to make his appt. He looked at me like he was p*ssed, and he said, "I asked you to call that number I wrote down (pointing at a piece of paper on the fridge among many other things) to have them send us new insurance cards with everything we needed to know, and you said (he snarled this), "You can!" I love paying for something I don't know sh** about! And yeah, I have ALL the time in the world to be on the phone, making phone calls to find sh** out, while working my tired a$$ off to pay the bills!" Then he stormed back into the bedroom to go take his shower.
WTH just happened??!!! Out of nowhere, he just decided to have another blowout! I'm getting real sick of this crap!
I remember that convo (it was after he sprained his ankle) where he told me to call that number for the info, and I told him "you can!". We were fighting! And seeing how I can be stubborn sometimes, I had made up my mind during that fight that I wasn't going to do that for him. Wrong, I know, but it happened, and I forgot the number was on the fridge after that. But anyhow, we're talking about some fight that happened like a month ago, and he didn't say anything about it until today. So now I feel even more edgier....like he could blow up about anything that happened in the past at any moment! He's holding grudges! Why not talk to me about whatever's bothering him instead of letting it fester inside??!!! Unreal!
So....after he stormed out of the kitchen and I said nothing, I'm standing there thinking to myself, "Why??? Why do things have to be this way? WTF did I do wrong this time?", and I started to cry. After his shower, H came back into the kitchen and could see that I had been crying. He said, "What's wrong with you?" (Nice, he's so caring and concerned - NOT.) I asked him, "Why do you have to talk to me the way that you do? What do I do to deserve this from you?" He started getting loud again and going off about how he told me to call that number but I didn't, and he's p*ssed about it. I yelled back that we were fighting and how I forgot all about the number (along with other numbers) being there on the fridge. He then said, "I'm so sick of you!" and went out into the garage.
A minute later, he walked back inside and said, "I'm so f***ing sick of this sh**." I was so p*ssed already, I didn't care, and I shouted, "You know what?! I'm sick of it, too!.....I'm having a great day, thank you! Happy Mother's Day to me!" Then I left the kitchen to go make the bed.
Within a couple of minutes, H came into the bedroom and quietly said, "Hey, (GF). Happy Mother's Day." I less than enthusiastically said, "Thanks." H said, "I mean it. Happy Mother's Day. I knew what today was. I even have something for you, but I was going to give it to you later." I told him don't bother. He asked me why not, and I said because I didn't want anything. He started getting mad again and said, "Oh you don't? You don't want anything from me, huh?" I looked at him and said, "Don't even start this crap with me again where you say things like, "You don't want anything from me? Oh you don't want me to pay your bills? You don't want my money to fill your gas tank?" Just don't even go there." He looked a little shocked, like as if I had read his thoughts before he actually spoke them, and then said, "You're telling me that you don't want anything for Mother's Day?" I said, "All I wanted was to hear 'Happy Mother's Day' this morning. That is ALL. But I didn't get that, did I? Instead, I got sh** on. Thanks! Another special day off to a horrible start. Everytime, it never fails." H asked again why I didn't want anything, and I told him because a lot of times, I feel like I don't deserve it. He asked why not, and I said because I feel like I already cost him too much financially. He never really has a big problem with money spent on the kids, but when it comes to money being spent on/for me, he always gets p*ssed about it. ALWAYS. H said, "Well I'm an a$$hole then! What do you want me to say?!"
I think he said it all right there! Wish I caught it on tape, too, dammit! I'd set it as my ringtone for when he calls me on my cell!
Anyway, I just ignored him and got into the shower. I heard him leave, then about half hour later, he came back and said that my gift was on the counter. I said thanks but I still didn't want anything - I REALLY CAN be stubborn, can't I? . H said, "Even though it's from the kids?" I said I KNOW it's not from them. They weren't here to pick it out.
I KNOW what he was trying to do. He was trying to make himself feel better by getting me to accept a gift that was really from him, but he was also trying to get me to feel guilty if I didn't accept it by saying it was from the boys. Jerk. He's done this kind of crap in the past!
Well, he said he talked to them earlier in the week, and they told him to get me candy. It was See's candy. Somehow, I think if the boys really told him to get me candy, they would've told H to get me some truffles from the Chocolate Factory out at the outlets here, ESPECIALLY since S8 asked me what my favorite candy was just 2 weeks ago. But ok, he might have forgotten (but I don't think so).
I finished getting dressed then was about to head out to work when H asked me (quite miserably) if I wanted to go out for lunch. I said, "Thank you, I appreciate the offer, but I think I'll pass." He asked why, and I said, "After all that has happened this morning, do you honestly feel that we would enjoy it?" H said, "I don't know. I was just trying to be nice." Then he walked back into the house.
When I got home from work, he was gone. Guess he left early for work.
Well, there's still more, if you can believe it! I have to put my kids to bed, so I'll be back later to finish up! My fingers need a rest, too!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
. H said, "Even though it's from the kids?" I said I KNOW it's not from them. They weren't here to pick it out.
I have to put my kids to bed, so I'll be back later to finish up! My fingers need a rest, too! 
