I've been having some thoughts on detachment. Not only is it important for us to detach from our S's for our own emotional benefit, but I think the MLCer really has to detach from us as well. We need to allow them to do that. There is so much guilt that they are carrying around, I imagine it'd be very difficult to go back to the source of the guilt and pain and so much easier to keep running. I don't think truly loving someone means guilting them to death for the wrongs they have committed. By both sides detaching, it's almost as if you are able to start fresh with a clean slate when the time is right - two new changed people with an old connection, but without all the baggage. Ideally, each side would have worked on their issues independently during their time away from each other and would make a much better couple when reunited. ???
This probably goes against MC and working things out together as a couple, but it seems like MC doesn't always have the desired effect of bringing a couple closer together.
Upside: You're right about counting our blessings. Most of us are trying to get our lives back to "normal", but what is normal anyways? I often feel pressured to do what other people would do, or what is expected given my situation. But to this day, filing for a D doesn't feel right. That might change one day. I don't know. Just gotta keep living my life to the fullest and hope the rest falls in to place - just like you said.
SH, I think you are getting better and better about analyzing the situation. I totally agree that the MLCer needs to detach. The MLCer needs to decide without the influence of the LBS. He/she will need to understand that it is worth the effort to work on the M or R. It is not an easy road in piecing. If the MLCer is not certain or if he feels he was forced into it, it will be a shaky coming back. In such sense, I think if/when your H comes back, because he has been away for so long, it will be for real. Let's hope so.
Thanks OC. Haven't moved yet. Soon! So much to do.
As much as I thought otherwise, I've always been very naive. Even after all this has happened, I think I still am.
Been making a mental list of all the "healthy" things H still needs to do before coming back. Because I'd love to see him come home, I'm not sure I'd label these as conditions, but things I'd ideally hope he'd accomplish on his journey to being a better man:
- be a better father: spend more time with kids, be more active/interested in their lives, bond with S2 (or even talk about S2 half as much as he talks about S5)
- make amends with his father: maybe discussing personal issues/feelings is expecting too much, but at the very least, talk about his reasons for leaving family business and starting his own company
- be more financially responsible: H is very generous, but it is still my MIL that is supporting the bulk of my expenses. H really needs to clue in on the value of money and realize the financial consequences of his actions over the past 2 years.
- go out less: currently, he's out 4-5 nights a week. The crowd he hangs around with (or at least used to - not sure if it's changed) has a bad rep. H drinks a lot and still spends a lot of money on drinks.
Geez, looking at this list makes my sitch seem even more hopeless. H has so much work to do. Oh, and I totally forgot the part about getting ogre out of his life. Even if he did decide to start with one of these things I've listed, it'll be a long long time...
Your list kind of just makes it sound like your H just needs to grow up. Was he responsible pre-bomb?
I don't think you are naive and your sitch is not hopeless...none of us knows what the future holds and it is a wonderful thing to have hope...but that being said, make sure you aren't putting your life on hold because of that hope. I think it is great that you are moving and starting fresh in a new place...focus on that for now and keep finding things that make you happy regardless of your H. Who knows what will happen when you start making changes in your life...positive changes you are making for you.
I read what you posted on my thread about making a list of goals for yourself. You are right it can be a little difficult...is that because we don't really want to look at ourselves? I am going to start figuring out my list. I be looking for yours too.
Good luck with your move...hopefully you have lots of help.
I hope the move goes well and is as easy as possible.
I like you list. It says alot about you that you can see things in the "light of day".
You're question regarding whether or not you want to hav the patience is an interesting one. I've found (as of late) that my "patience" and "hope" are coming from a different place. I'm not sure if I can properly explain it, but it's like they exist on their own, independent of anything I put into them. Like you I have goals for myself and as I persue them, life has taken different turns. I find that out of nowhere my ability to be patient just sort of comes about. It isn't something I want or don't want it just is. With H gone, I find I have alot more patience with not only D's, but myself and people in general. Don't know where it will lead, but it is an interesting observation.
Upside: You're right - my H sounds incredibly immature from my list. But pre-bomb, he was definitely much more responsible. He was much more active in S5's life - would show up at his activities, do family things on weekends, was more strict with discipline. He was financially responsible - paid all bills on time and in full. He had a decent relationship with his father, although not great. He went out, but came home at a reasonable time, went out with a small group of good friends (H's of my friends) and didn't go out nearly as much as he does now. He's the complete opposite now and although some things seem to have gotten better, some (like going out) continue to get worse.
Grace: Thanks for stopping by. I know exactly what you mean about patience and hope - it's gotten to a point where it's sometimes almost effortless. Today, that's not the case though...
I'm feeling like I've DBed my @ss off for nothing. My H hasn't given me mixed signals. Where we live, it's difficult to file for D unless you've been S several years, which is why he hasn't filed. I've been fooling myself. Yes, I know I can be proud that I've done all I can to save our M. I sure do feel stupid though for staying so attached to his family, who seem to be pushing me out lately. Could just be my imagination/insecurities at work, but it's a pretty strong feeling.
I want the old H back, or a new and improved H - not who he is today. He's not working on being a better man. He's not a better father. His family will never stop being dysfunctional. I need to wake up and see things for what they really are. Stop looking for signs. Stop reading into things that aren't there. Stop worrying about how it will be when H comes back.
I don't want to make any decisions right now, but I think I need to soon. I'm losing the desire to save my M. Sad...
sh just wanted to say hi happy mothers day many people have told me we will KNOW when the time is right im still waiting for that total knowing we have to trust ourselves peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi sh- I hope you had the best Mother's Day you have had in a long time.
I agree stop looking for signs. Do what is best for you and your kids. Trust your instincts...I believe they will guide you for now. As peace said, you will know when the time is right to make a move...but in the meantime, focus on you and your boys...and your move...that should keep you busy.
I'm having a hard time today. Mother's Day itself was ok - relaxed with my boys at home then planned on bringing them out for dinner. Stopped by MIL's first to drop off gifts. SIL showed up with her kids shortly after so boys wanted to stay there to eat, which was fine with me.
Today, I found out by accident that the entire family had gone to celebrate Mother's Day together (as we do every year) but didn't invite me and the boys. These things are always arranged by SIL - this year she said her H was making arrangements when I asked about it. On Saturday night, H went out so S5 called me to say that he wanted to come home. I messaged H, asking him if it was ok. H replied: It's ok with me - It's Mother's Day. I didn't realize his feigned generosity was a way to get me to take S5 earlier so I wouldn't find out about lunch the next day. When I went to pick him up, I asked H's aunt and cousin if they were going out on Sunday because I wanted to stop by at some point to drop gifts off. One told me she didn't know, the other said no. Liars. What hurts most is that instead of just telling me the truth, the whole thing was orchestrated in the hopes that I would never find out. I know a lot of it is my fault for assuming I'd be invited, but the rejection from his family still hurts.
Last night (before I found out about the lunch) I emailed H to ask him for some help with finances because of the move. I listed all the things I needed help with and the things I was paying for myself. Since I didn't see him over the weekend, I thanked him for the things he got for kids while on his trip and asked him how his trip went. In the email, I used the initial for his nickname and signed it with my nickname that he hasn't been able to call me in at least a year. He replied this morning. He is going to give me the money to cover everything I listed - even the things I said I'd pay for myself. He went on to tell me about his trip.
I was so relieved that I replied with a huge 180, saying that I was sending him a huge hug and a big fat morning breath kiss. Then I said 'Just Kidding - I brushed my teeth already. Haha. Pretend it's from the boys.' I let him know that I really appreciated it and how much less stressed he made me.
He replied again: 'no problem' then went on to tell me how well his company is doing and how much money he is expecting to come in, then asked when I needed money by.
I replied again - joked how I've been so worried about all these minor things and made a big deal about the amount of money he's expecting. One of the problems in our M is that I didn't support my H fully with work - it was difficult for me to support him, knowing he was doing things behind his father's back. It was the way he wanted to do things that I had trouble with - I knew he had the capabilities. Now, after knowing more about how his father is, I can understand why he did things the way he did, although I still think he could have handled it better.
Anyway, this all happened this morning, and then I found out about the lunch from a distant relative I ran into at school who didn't know we are S. She had bumped into H at the restaurant and asked where me and the boys were. I guess H just said we didn't go. I ended up having to tell her today that we've been S for almost 2 years already.
I cried today for the first time in months. I think the time has come for me to really accept that my H is not coming home. That his family is no longer treating me as part of the family. That H doesn't think of me as family either. Today feels like the day that I know it's time to move on.
Sorry to make this longer than it already is, but while on the verge of a panic attack today, I thought I felt exactly what H was experiencing. How I would do anything to just keep going and survive. Keep myself as busy and distracted as possible in order to not have to think about/deal with my emotions. I even wished I had someone - anyone - I could run to. I decided that I needed to shut off how his family made me feel and just be happy that H was covering my expenses. I know it's not the healthiest way to deal with things, but it's all I can handle at the moment.
Most of my friends think I'm too empathetic and that H is just an ass who I'm letting off the hook too easily. He's enjoying his life, living without any responsibilities, and with someone else. I'm not ready to believe that my H is the ass they make him out to be, but what if they're right?
Feels like this is the hardest part of the race for me. Right now, I feel like I don't have the strength to do this anymore. I'm ready for the D.
SH, sorry that the day did not go well for you. don't read too much into it. It may be just that H wants to celebrate Mother's Day with his mom and the concensus was not to have you around to avoid the awkardness, nothing against you. OTOH, you are you and don't expect his extended family to treat you equally as the son. I always say my MIL is one of the best MIL in the world and I have great, great SILs. One SIL even supported me in D if I wanted to. MIL was ready to disown her son. Still, my H is still her son, SIL's brother. They are always family. I know they will support me only to the extent of not hurting her son/SIL's brother. I still think they are one of the best in-laws. At the same time, there is a limit to being in-laws. I am glad that they are so nice to me already. Your in-laws are probably just avoiding "scenes" as they usually do.
