Thank you for saying I have been a help - it's nice to know.
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I also went through a depression period last fall (and 2 years ago) and I know that is probably the main reason that led h to the affair, but i know it's no excuse that he went outside the marriage.
I so agree.
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He was never there for me emotionally during my depression at all.I was very unhapy with him, truth be told. I don't want our old M back, no way.
Agaian, I can empathise with this. However, what I would say is that now I have read a bit about what it is like living with someone with depression, I am much more aware of how our S's just don't know how to help. How they can get dragged down by us and sometimes they do things in order for their own survival. Not excuses for an A but I can see the reasons.
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By the way, I have TOTALLY looked at my side of the street. I could have handled my depression better -- gotten proper help faster. I could have helped more around the house. I could have eased some of the financial burden. I was very focused on my own depression and problems that I withdrew and let myself go and began to not participate in family events (very important to him) and didn't follow through on a lot of things. I was snappy to him A LOT. I was controlling. I can see all of that now and it sucks that i can't turn back the clock and change that, but there it is.
I am totally with you here too. I found that the one biggest ground breaker with my H was the owning up and apologising for my actions.
I was in a luckier position than yours in a way in that I knew nothing about my H's A for 18 months - so when I made my apologies etc and changed things the A was not the reason, (as I didn't know), and so my H didn't have the mind set that I was making changes to win him back from an A. It was because I was doing these things he owned up about the A. Also, the A being 18 months on, the 'highs' had declined, and reality was setting in. Don't get me wrong - he still told me he loved that b!tch of an OW, but he was a bit more grounded than your H is yet. I was able to bring him out of the fog in around a week. A week of hell but it was a week. He recommitted big time and has never given me reason to look back - however I fixated on OW for a long time.(That's what brought me to the DB boards - she was still destroying my M because she lived in MY head morning noon and night. H had forgotten her whilst I lived and breathed her. Now I only think about her really when I come to these boards. A year on from finding out about the A my H , out of the blue, told me he hadn't ever loved OW and that he now realised what a manipulative person she was, (and she really was - she left two young kids with her H to pursue mine).
Give it time for the rosey tint to leave your H's eyes whilst you work on you and building your life. Going back to school sounds excellent. You sound so different and so much stronger than the woman that came to these boards. YOU will be fine
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I adore that you say, "whiltst". Are you from England? Love, love, love it.
Anyway, today is mother's day and I orginally told h to bring her home early so the THREE of us could go eat together. but last night I changed my mind. my daughter is only 5 and mother's day really doesn't have any meaning for her yet and I know she wants to spend time with daddy. and the truth is, right now, I don't want to spend time with him. I can't right now. it's too painful. I left a really light beat message on his phone saying something to the effect that I was invited out for the day and have fun with Isabella and I'll see you guys around 7pm. Thanks!!
That was it.
It's a tough pill to swallow knowing how right you are (saffie) about how tough it must have been for h to be with me while I was going through the depression. you are so right. I know deep in my heart that was it for him. 100 percent positive. my attitude stunk, I was snappy, wanted to be myself all the time, the whole bit.
I guess I took certain things for granted. he comes from a very family-oriented background (they do everything together -- no divorces) and I was certain for so many years = up until the bomb, even that he was solid in that way. EVen though I think he has serious communication and intimacy issues, there was always a "vibe" with him that he would always be here. partly because of the way he was raised and just that he kept his emotions inside and always said everything was "fine".
I don't know. I guess we can play the "blame game" all day long. It isn't going to change things now, is it?
Funny thing is, because he was so unaffectionate and so emotionally unavailable, the only things I miss are 1. he made me laugh so hard (very sarcastic), 2. family time, we love going to yard sales and auctions -- we have a 150 year old house upstate). and that's pretty much it!
AS I said before, what my mom's doc said to her, I'm not grieving HIM as much as I'm grieving the IDEA of him. Make sense?
God, these boards are great for journaling! I hope that's allowed!
Anyway, sleeping is hard for me. I'm going to go to a doc up here that my cognitive therapist rec. and get some help with this. And here's the thing, as I said before. I have dropped the rope.
I had a visualization last night. I imagined the "rope" being held by a 14 year old h in a grubby schoolyard. We are both in it and it's the kind of school yard with concrete ground and everything is broken and it's surrounded by a chain-link fence. So I, DROP the rope, as a fully-actualized adult (he's still hanging onto it) and I walk away. As I'm walking away, he's telling me all the horrible stuff, I don't love you, I love her, I'll never come home, etc. then I LEAVE the chained-in, grubby school yard -- I find and opening. And what I walk into is GORGEOUS!! Sunny and flowers everywhere and warm and glorious. I FEEL instantly amazing. I keep walking through this amazing garden and turn around and the grubby schoolyard gets smaller and smaller and so does h, still shouting horrible things, but it's getting distant and his image is getting smaller because I have dropped the rope and walked away.
I know this sounds super-corny, but it gave me peace last night.
I got the drop the rope thing from the db counselor and it was very helpful to me. Another thing that is helping me right now is that having our h's back (or w's) is a WANT, in true reality, it is not a NEED.
They are two very different things.
Anyway, thanks for reading on this mother's day and I have all of you (esp. the moms, sorry dads, I'll think of you next month) in my hearts.
You can't beat yourself up about the depression - what's important is how you move on from it - and it sounds like you are doing well.
CBT is quite good on sleep issues. Have you got a 'clean' sleep regime? I had a lot of trouble sleeping and got quite hooked on the sleep meds - they really don't help long term. The visulisations and a good clean sleep routine are much better. Also don't just lie there tossing and turning.If you can't sleep get up and do something relaxing and then go back and try again later.
Have a good Mother's day
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
thank you gypsy. h was going to bring d5 over for a mother's day brunch, but I woke up this morning and decided that I can't spend that time with him, I just can't. He's hurt me too much this week. So I very nicely called him and told him to enjoy the day with Isabella and I'll see them around 7, that I have made plans. Isabella loves being with her dad and she's too young to really care abuot mother's day.
I just had to to that. I have to take care of me and I can't spend time with him at this point. It's to f'ing painful. After hearing those words or his "love" for ow on Friday, that did it for me. The rope has been dropped.
Clean sleep regime is that you unclutter what you have in your room and make everything as calm as possible before you try to go to sleep.
For example - don't watch tv in bed, don't read. Don't try going to bed straight after doing anything energetic. Don't start thinking about and 'big' issues after 8pm at night. After a certain time at night just chill - no ironing for example and then going straight to bed. Instead have a bath followed by a warm drink - just relax into it and then when you start to feel sleepy go to bed. No thinking that you will put the garbage out on route or check this or that. Complete mental and physical wind down.
I found that I couldn't stop fixating on things like OW and so I did bend the rules slightly. The bid ole stop sign MWD talks about never worked for me. the only way I can stop my mind racing on negative thoughts is to totally distract it - I would do sudoku as I have to really concentrate on JUST that when I do it - it would help my thoughts from running away with me. Then I would start to chill.
There are some good books out there on CBT and sleep.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
guys, I'm really having a hard time with h and the thought that on his weekends with d5 he is with ow. I cannot have my 5 year old around this person.
There is a paper that can be brought to court barring contact from my daughter to this person. My lawyer told me it might inflame the situation, but honestly, I can't risk my d5 around this person, I just can't. my h has turned out to be such a LIAR -- about EVERYTHING that I just can't trust him.
So tomorrow I will put the paperwork in progress. I need your thoughts. Also, I need someone to give me advise as to how to act around h when we do the drop offs and pick ups. Ever since last week and his major lie and deception that we would give things a second shot only to be totally lied to because he wants me to sign the refi, I feel such anger toward him, it's not even funny.
... Also, I need someone to give me advise as to how to act around h when we do the drop offs and pick ups...
Treat him like you would treat your D's teacher, "pleasant and non emotional!" Say less than he does!!!! Listen and validate any R statements H makes.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm so mad!!! h had d5 yesterday and in the afternoon I tried his cel several times to find out when he was dropping off d5. i finally got him and he told me they at an amusement park (I know the one he's talking about). Ok, fine.
Later that night he brings home d5. now a huge thing I made he agree to (as per social services, her teacher, therapist -- anyone involved in this) was that he is not to let d5 have any contact with ow during their weekend visits. he is fully aware of this and "agreed" it's innapropriate given how new the situation is (he only moved out a month ago) and that d5 is only 5 years old and have a VERY rought time with daddy being gone (daily calles from school, social services being contacted, etc.).
so when I was tucking daughter into bed she start talking about a boy named Rocky. I said who's rocky? And she said, "my friend, he's 6). And then she said, "she's daddy's friends' little boy, she's nice".
I'm livid!!!! What the f is wrong with my h!!!!!! what the hell do i do now? I''m calling lawyer first thing in the morning, that's for sure.
