I wanted to post about my day but will have to do so later. My mom just called. They are finally back, and now I can go get my babies! I have missed them sooooooooo much today!
Thanks again for the HMD wishes, girls!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
The home which used to be "my" space for 3 years is no longer comfortable. Whenever it's just me and H here (ie - kids are gone, in bed, outside, etc), the tension-filled silence is almost too unbearable to deal with. I can't stand feeling as though I am trapped in my own home with a stranger. An unpleasant, gloomy one, too.
H and I were both home last night. We watched "Braveheart" for the umpteenth time since nothing else seemed worth watching. We didn't talk much. Just some small talk here and there. He asked me which movie did I like best - Braveheart, Gladiator, or 300. They're all great movies I think, so tough choice, but because Braveheart was the first one out, I think I still like it the best. H said his favorite is 300. Anyway, he went to bed around midnight, and me about an hour later.
This morning, we were just waking up and still laying in bed when H asked me what was I doing today. I told him that I had some more work to do, but after that, I wasn't sure. The kids weren't going to be home for at least another couple hours (then). Shortly after that, I got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and sat at the counter to sign Mother's Day cards for my mom, MIL, and H's grandma. H came into the kitchen a few minutes later, and I asked him to sign his mom's card. He looked at the gift I wrapped for her and then at the card and said, "Is this from me? Or from the both of us?" I said the both of us. He signed the card then left to the bedroom again. Then he came back out into the kitchen area and asked, "What do I need to do to make an eye doctor appt? Who do I call?"
A little background - there has been an issue with H's health insurance for us. I have not received any of our medical cards (mine or the boys), and I have asked H to find out what we need to do to get them (he's got to get this info from his HR rep). It's already May, for goodness sake! I am able to go online and look for providers in our plan, but that doesn't help me with getting ID cards. It sucks having to make appts without having that needed info (our medical numbers, group number, insurance plan, etc) immediately available. I know the name of our insurance plan, but have no idea what our individual ID numbers are. Ok, now I'm rambling!
Since I haven't had to make any vision appts so far this year, I asked H if the vision insurance was the same as last year. He said it was, so I told him the name of the website, he needed to pick out a doctor, then call to make his appt. He looked at me like he was p*ssed, and he said, "I asked you to call that number I wrote down (pointing at a piece of paper on the fridge among many other things) to have them send us new insurance cards with everything we needed to know, and you said (he snarled this), "You can!" I love paying for something I don't know sh** about! And yeah, I have ALL the time in the world to be on the phone, making phone calls to find sh** out, while working my tired a$$ off to pay the bills!" Then he stormed back into the bedroom to go take his shower.
WTH just happened??!!! Out of nowhere, he just decided to have another blowout! I'm getting real sick of this crap!
I remember that convo (it was after he sprained his ankle) where he told me to call that number for the info, and I told him "you can!". We were fighting! And seeing how I can be stubborn sometimes, I had made up my mind during that fight that I wasn't going to do that for him. Wrong, I know, but it happened, and I forgot the number was on the fridge after that. But anyhow, we're talking about some fight that happened like a month ago, and he didn't say anything about it until today. So now I feel even more edgier....like he could blow up about anything that happened in the past at any moment! He's holding grudges! Why not talk to me about whatever's bothering him instead of letting it fester inside??!!! Unreal!
So....after he stormed out of the kitchen and I said nothing, I'm standing there thinking to myself, "Why??? Why do things have to be this way? WTF did I do wrong this time?", and I started to cry. After his shower, H came back into the kitchen and could see that I had been crying. He said, "What's wrong with you?" (Nice, he's so caring and concerned - NOT.) I asked him, "Why do you have to talk to me the way that you do? What do I do to deserve this from you?" He started getting loud again and going off about how he told me to call that number but I didn't, and he's p*ssed about it. I yelled back that we were fighting and how I forgot all about the number (along with other numbers) being there on the fridge. He then said, "I'm so sick of you!" and went out into the garage.
A minute later, he walked back inside and said, "I'm so f***ing sick of this sh**." I was so p*ssed already, I didn't care, and I shouted, "You know what?! I'm sick of it, too!.....I'm having a great day, thank you! Happy Mother's Day to me!" Then I left the kitchen to go make the bed.
Within a couple of minutes, H came into the bedroom and quietly said, "Hey, (GF). Happy Mother's Day." I less than enthusiastically said, "Thanks." H said, "I mean it. Happy Mother's Day. I knew what today was. I even have something for you, but I was going to give it to you later." I told him don't bother. He asked me why not, and I said because I didn't want anything. He started getting mad again and said, "Oh you don't? You don't want anything from me, huh?" I looked at him and said, "Don't even start this crap with me again where you say things like, "You don't want anything from me? Oh you don't want me to pay your bills? You don't want my money to fill your gas tank?" Just don't even go there." He looked a little shocked, like as if I had read his thoughts before he actually spoke them, and then said, "You're telling me that you don't want anything for Mother's Day?" I said, "All I wanted was to hear 'Happy Mother's Day' this morning. That is ALL. But I didn't get that, did I? Instead, I got sh** on. Thanks! Another special day off to a horrible start. Everytime, it never fails." H asked again why I didn't want anything, and I told him because a lot of times, I feel like I don't deserve it. He asked why not, and I said because I feel like I already cost him too much financially. He never really has a big problem with money spent on the kids, but when it comes to money being spent on/for me, he always gets p*ssed about it. ALWAYS. H said, "Well I'm an a$$hole then! What do you want me to say?!"
I think he said it all right there! Wish I caught it on tape, too, dammit! I'd set it as my ringtone for when he calls me on my cell!
Anyway, I just ignored him and got into the shower. I heard him leave, then about half hour later, he came back and said that my gift was on the counter. I said thanks but I still didn't want anything - I REALLY CAN be stubborn, can't I? . H said, "Even though it's from the kids?" I said I KNOW it's not from them. They weren't here to pick it out.
I KNOW what he was trying to do. He was trying to make himself feel better by getting me to accept a gift that was really from him, but he was also trying to get me to feel guilty if I didn't accept it by saying it was from the boys. Jerk. He's done this kind of crap in the past!
Well, he said he talked to them earlier in the week, and they told him to get me candy. It was See's candy. Somehow, I think if the boys really told him to get me candy, they would've told H to get me some truffles from the Chocolate Factory out at the outlets here, ESPECIALLY since S8 asked me what my favorite candy was just 2 weeks ago. But ok, he might have forgotten (but I don't think so).
I finished getting dressed then was about to head out to work when H asked me (quite miserably) if I wanted to go out for lunch. I said, "Thank you, I appreciate the offer, but I think I'll pass." He asked why, and I said, "After all that has happened this morning, do you honestly feel that we would enjoy it?" H said, "I don't know. I was just trying to be nice." Then he walked back into the house.
When I got home from work, he was gone. Guess he left early for work.
Well, there's still more, if you can believe it! I have to put my kids to bed, so I'll be back later to finish up! My fingers need a rest, too!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Soemwhere along the line, if you two want to have a better life, you are going to have start being nice. And that is both of you. Anywhere during that daylong fight you could have ended it. But you kept it going. You are not innocent in all this. You need to swallow some pride and be nice. It doesn't cost anything, and it will make your life better.
LOL! Sorry, Jeff! Guess I should title my post(s), "Read At Your Own Risk".
Originally Posted By: Sara
You are not innocent in all this.
Sara, you are not telling me anything that I don't already know. That is why I wrote this:
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
And seeing how I can be stubborn sometimes
This:
Quote:
Wrong, I know, but it happened,
And this:
Quote:
I REALLY CAN be stubborn, can't I?
I was/AM admitting my faults in this.
Have you not ever felt like you just didn't care what happened anymore between you and someone else, when that someone else acted as though he/she didn't care about you or your feelings? Have you not ever lost your cool? Maybe you haven't, or maybe you have, but perhaps you're better at controlling your reactions than I am.
It's interesting to me that I can control my reactions with family, friends, my children, even strangers.....but not with my H. His actions/reactions always seem to have a negative effect on me. It brings out a side of me that I do not like, and that is why I always feel like crap, during as well as after the fact, because I know it was wrong, and that there has got to be a better way to handle this mess.
Out of at least a dozen incidents, today was the one incident where I just couldn't swallow that pride, and the sad fact is that if he can't even try to be nice, more than just once a week....without his attitude (you're not here; you do not know what it's like; MIL and SIL know!)....I know I'm going to lose it again. I have a hard time caring about someone's feelings when they do not care about mine, and I have told him, in no uncertain terms, that I do not like the way he speaks to me and would appreciate it if he could mellow out. He said he would, but he still does not.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Of course I want to be nice, but how many times must I let him sh** on me with his crappy attitude? How much longer must I continue to bite my tongue? It has been this way for far too long because I always let him guilt me into feeling like I was the only one who was ever wrong. Sorry, but I'm not going to let it happen all the time like it has.
Call it childish if you like, but maybe a little taste of his own medicine will do him some good. Perhaps that's why when he left the house while I was in the shower this morning, he went to buy me the candy. Perhaps that's why he TM'ed me earlier this evening to see if I was "still mad?". Perhaps that's why he wrote that he was sorry in the Mother's Day card he gave me with the gift. And perhaps that's why he called a little while ago to say 'hi' and to tell me again that he was really sorry about today and for lying to me about having said he already had a gift for me this morning that was from the kids when he honestly did not.
But anyway.
You're right. It IS the both of us, and I KNOW that. I HONESTLY DO. However, he needs to know it, too, and he also needs to realize that providing for this family is NOT the only responsibility/priority he has here. There is FAR more to life and love than just money.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
GF, yes you can be stubborn. Yes, you can react childishly at times. HOWEVER, you have really put so much effort into working at making things better and you constantly get negative feedback/blowouts from your husband. I can completely understand why you react the way you do... the alternative is to be a doormat and the recipient of his verbal punches.
I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. Your H is making me so sad. What the hell is wrong with him? Why can't he just put forth a reasonable effort into making things better with you??? Why can't he just TRY.
(((((((GF)))))))
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
It's interesting to me that I can control my reactions with family, friends, my children, even strangers.....but not with my H. His actions/reactions always seem to have a negative effect on me.
I have a much harder time detaching from my H than anyone else. His thoughts/feelings/word have a much greater impact on me, and vice versa. I'm sure this is also why your H reacts so strongly to your words and emotions - he is not detached either.
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
It has been this way for far too long because I always let him guilt me into feeling like I was the only one who was ever wrong. Sorry, but I'm not going to let it happen all the time like it has.
You biting your tongue does NOT mean you are wrong. And you certainly are right about a lot of things. As long as you know that, I don't see that trying to see things from his point of view and validate undermines the truth to your point of view at all.
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
Call it childish if you like, but maybe a little taste of his own medicine will do him some good.
It's worth a try. But if it doesn't get the reaction you are looking for, you do need to try something else.
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
It IS the both of us, and I KNOW that. I HONESTLY DO. However, he needs to know it, too.
Is it better to be right or to be happy? I'm not sure he does need to realize that on a conscious level for things to really improve so long as you can find some way of getting him to react in a more pleasant and supportive manner.
It seems to me there are more creative and probably less angry ways to encourage him to spend more time at home and with his family.
The chocolates were a nice gift, I'm not sure why you fought him over it, that seems like one thing you should have definitely just said "thank you" for. He was just trying to be nice at that point, and whether he bought the gift then or before it doesn't change the fact that he did it.
I do understand why you are so stressed out and angry. He is being an a$$hole.
All I can say right now though is give it time. You haven't lived with him in years, it's going to be a rough adjustment. And you may have to lead the way on smoothing things out - and no, it's not fair. But that may be what needs to happen to make it work.
(((((((GF))))))))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
. H said, "Even though it's from the kids?" I said I KNOW it's not from them. They weren't here to pick it out.
I have to put my kids to bed, so I'll be back later to finish up! My fingers need a rest, too!