Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

God is going to have to carry me through it, over the next mountain, through the next valley....etc. etc.

I started to go for a walk but remembered I had to go to the store to pick up a couple of things. I decided to get on the golf cart and go (I live in a community full of golf cart and walking trails where you can get anywhere you want in town on a cart). I took my journal with me and after the store I went down by the lake and parked to write in my journal. I don't know what the heck came over me. I had managed to restore some of sanity before I went!

As I sat writing in my journal an overwhelming sadness swept over me and I just had an incredible need to talk to H. I couldn't seem to stop myself either. I sent him a text just asking what he was doing. He replied that he was watching TV. I told him that was too bad since it was such a beautiful day. He said he knew, he had been out earlier today. He then asked me some things about S13 and if I had gotten the text pictures he had sent me from their day at the Renaissance fair. After texts back and forth about all of that I had a SERIOUS WEAKNESS and told him to have a nice life, I was sorry for being pathetic and not leaving him alone. I told him I was so sorry for not ever being good enough. His response was "WTF? How did a decent talk about our son turn into a hostile one?" I told him I didn't say anything hostile, that I was just apologizing to him for me. That I knew what a miserable wife I was and why he wanted to get away from me so badly. That I shouldn't contact him except in emergencies and I shouldn't interrupt his happy new life. He responded with "No, I'm sorry for all this but it doesn't mean I'm going to or want to totally forget you." Well, that's the first time he ever actually said he was sorry but it didn't make be feel any better at the time. The response I gave him was terrible but it is the way I'm feeling all the time so I let him "hear" it. I told him to just put a bullet in my head, we'd all be better off. I can't take the constant pain anymore. I want to stop loving him the way he stopped loving me.

Yeah, you guessed it, no response after that. He's now CERTAIN that I'm certifiable. It's been a horribly emotional day, as the last several weeks have been. I just couldn't seem to maintain calm today at all. I'm thinking after I finish making my mom's dinner I'm going to go back out for a LONG walk in woods. I just can't seem to shake the melancholy anymore.

Gosh, I need my meds upped obviously! Gees!