Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[Jay Scott]

I am sorry you are having that kind of a day. My wife sent me a text using a pet name today too and it certainly does stir the pot to say. It was very hard but I sent her a HMD text this morning and she sent one back using a pet name then proceeded calling me three times until I answered. I don't think they know what that stuff does to us. I don't think they would be that unkind. I think they really are trying to be nice.

[kissak]

Hey Mishka....I do hope your mothers day was nice. I was getting ready myself this morning hoping that at least my H would call or text or something to acknowledge me as the mother of his children....he did send me a text that said "Happy Mothers Day"....I did reply...thank you. I was happy that at least he remembered me.

It hurts I know....but we are great moms and we have our kids to be thankful for on this day....Dont let Satan bring you down...God is going to carry us through this Valley....

[mishka422]

God is going to have to carry me through it, over the next mountain, through the next valley....etc. etc.

I started to go for a walk but remembered I had to go to the store to pick up a couple of things. I decided to get on the golf cart and go (I live in a community full of golf cart and walking trails where you can get anywhere you want in town on a cart). I took my journal with me and after the store I went down by the lake and parked to write in my journal. I don't know what the heck came over me. I had managed to restore some of sanity before I went!

As I sat writing in my journal an overwhelming sadness swept over me and I just had an incredible need to talk to H. I couldn't seem to stop myself either. I sent him a text just asking what he was doing. He replied that he was watching TV. I told him that was too bad since it was such a beautiful day. He said he knew, he had been out earlier today. He then asked me some things about S13 and if I had gotten the text pictures he had sent me from their day at the Renaissance fair. After texts back and forth about all of that I had a SERIOUS WEAKNESS and told him to have a nice life, I was sorry for being pathetic and not leaving him alone. I told him I was so sorry for not ever being good enough. His response was "WTF? How did a decent talk about our son turn into a hostile one?" I told him I didn't say anything hostile, that I was just apologizing to him for me. That I knew what a miserable wife I was and why he wanted to get away from me so badly. That I shouldn't contact him except in emergencies and I shouldn't interrupt his happy new life. He responded with "No, I'm sorry for all this but it doesn't mean I'm going to or want to totally forget you." Well, that's the first time he ever actually said he was sorry but it didn't make be feel any better at the time. The response I gave him was terrible but it is the way I'm feeling all the time so I let him "hear" it. I told him to just put a bullet in my head, we'd all be better off. I can't take the constant pain anymore. I want to stop loving him the way he stopped loving me.

Yeah, you guessed it, no response after that. He's now CERTAIN that I'm certifiable. It's been a horribly emotional day, as the last several weeks have been. I just couldn't seem to maintain calm today at all. I'm thinking after I finish making my mom's dinner I'm going to go back out for a LONG walk in woods. I just can't seem to shake the melancholy anymore.

Gosh, I need my meds upped obviously! Gees!

[kissak]

Mishka....tomorrow is a new day. Im sorry you are hurting today....Take care.

[mishka422]

Thanks Kissak. I'm so sorry we're all here at all. It's ridiculous to feel like this. No one should ever be subjected to pain like this.

Love is an illusion. It can only exist from God, not from humans. The only problem with that is God can not physically touch us to make us feel the comfort.

[mishka422]

The more I think about today's events, the more convinced I am that I put the final nail in the coffin. I expect new D papers any day now. H won't be coming back, my family will not be restored. I don't even think H is in MLC now, just sick and tired of me. Grown in a different direction...I grew up and he never has.

I'll continue my walk with God of course. I found my way back to him because of this crisis but He will sustain me for the rest of my life, such as it is.

I'm done trying to figure out ways to show H I've changed things. He doesn't give a rip anyway. I'm done being angry with him for his lack of responsibilities. I'm done being devastated that he threw me in the trash. I'm just done in general. Done with everything. I'll just move one day into the next until it's all over. So be it.

Fatalistic or realistic? I don't know which it is yet. I will live for my son. He's so special and deserves all of my attention. H deserves none and will get no more.

[sgctxok]

Wow mishka!

You have been through the whole spectrum of emotions. The truth is you had positive baby steps, you built well on it, and then you sabotaged yourself.

We ALL have done it. We ALL, or pretty much all have felt this bad. Start over. Just begin again. Wipe your own slate clean.

Pull way back. Get a grip, get centered, up your meds, possibly. Take on some athletics, but mostly take on something that lets you calm down and center......like yoga.

Now...your cell phone is not your friend. You need boundaries with that thing. So, when you are feeling this way, put it away. Where you can't reach it easily. Set a ring tone for your son to reach you, and turn the rest off.


I had to do this. I was really dangerous with the cell. Still can be by my own impulses. I have given it to my kids, to a friend, put it in the trunk of my car.

DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.


I don't want to hear that you can't. If I can, you can.

[angelica]

Mishka - you have a lot of time on your own, and a lot of sadness to deal with. If you haven't tried therapy, with someone competent who you trust, I strongly recommend it. Long term it is more effective than ADs, as it teaches you greater self knowledge and coping skills. Ideally with someone who understands MLC. You are still internatlising what happened as blame to yourself. We were none of us perfect in our marriages, but the route our spouses have taken is not our fault nor is it our responsibility.

Detachment, which we hear little about on the boards these days, is the art or skill of letting go. I believe we have to learn to let go before we can reconnect. Otherwise when we reconnect there is with all the old baggage. The WAS has, in some way, to hit bottom, and sort themself out, and we have to let go completely, and wait.

Above all, dealing with MLC is a waiting game, you wait with love for someone who may or may not find their way home. Someone who has lost their way.

During this dark time you will grow spiritually. Please try and leave your husband alone. He has to work through this alone, until he reaches out to you. If he feels guilty it doesn't help him, guilt is a terrible thing to lay on another person. You may feel temporarily better, but it isn't a grown up thing to do. Your last sentence

H deserves none and will get no more.

is at odds with

I don't even think H is in MLC now, just sick and tired of me. Grown in a different direction...I grew up and he never has.

If you have grown up, now is the time to display it, by magnaminity and grace, but I suspect, that like so many of us you are still growing up, and this crisis will be the making of your soul.

Do not beat yourself up - focus your energies on growth.

A

[mishka422]

Angelica,

I hear what you're saying and i appreciate it. I was in therapy until after H left for the 3rd time. After that, I had no choice but to stop because it was killing my budget. I've also given up a lot of other things that were good for me like my diet doctor and the gym. They are too expensive on my limited funds now. I had to choose between therapy and my medications for diabetes and high blood pressure. I wish I could still go because it did help me a lot.

Angelica, how do you make peace with the fact that your life is over, all of your dreams are destroyed and you will be alone for the rest of your days, responsible for every little thing, and still find a way to do things to make yourself happy?

I have no time for myself other than Sunday morning for about two hours when my son and I go to church. I have an invalid mother who is on dialysis three times a week and lives with me and a mildly autistic son who is now failing all of his classes because he went into a tailspin when H left again. I spend every moment I'm home taking care of them, trying to get my son to do his schoolwork (when he remembers to bring it home), along with all the other household things that have to be done. By the time I get to my breaking point every evening, I can't sleep and then I get up the next morning at 6am on 4 hours of sleep if I'm lucky and start all over again.

Where do I find even 1 hour in these crazy days for myself to find a way to heal? Help me please. The pain is just getting worse and worse. Is it because I've given up being angry with my H? Was the anger keeping me more sane somehow? My mind drifts away from my work all day long to thoughts of despair. I sit and pray quietly at my desk for peace and strength but the tears just overwhelm me and I can't function.

I've even contemplated some things that horrified me! I actually got to the point last night that I had a full bottle of Ambien in my hand ready to take them all before the thought of what that would do to my son came to me. Today, I kept thinking that maybe I should tell H that I would move out of the house and he could move back in and be with our son so he would hopefully do better at school since he has gone so far down since H left. WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING??? Oh yeah, brilliant! My son doesn't need to feel that I left him too no matter what my reasoning is.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone? It sure doesn't make sense to me. I've never been this weak person. I've always been a strong and steady, dependable, responsible person. Now my thoughts are so erratic that I actually feel like I'm going insane! Maybe I am.

I just don't want to care about H anymore. I don't want to love him. I just want this to end. I just want to feel thankful for the years we did have together, wish him well with whatever he does with his life, and step away. How long before I can do that? What do I need to do to get there?

OK. I'm so sorry for rambling on and on and sounding like a complete nut job. I really do feel like one now.

I wish all of you the very best of course. If anyone has any strategies for coming to a place of peace, I'm open to listening to them. Of course, they have to be accomplished while I'm doing a dozen other things at the same time so........sock it to me please.

[angelica]

Mishka - I am so very sorry for your sitch. I know it is extremely difficult.

I went through period of thinking that my life was over, and then I realised that it is only over if I think and believe it is. My husband has also been and gone several times, and it hurts. The way your life is now,I can see it is hard to be optimistic, but looking at it rationally there is no reason why you should be alone for the rest of your life. That is melodramatic.

Right now you are utterly overwhelmed, and I think that anything I suggested you would find a good reason for rejecting. Believe me, I have been there.

You have a job, a mildly autistic son, and an invalid mother. your own health isn't great, and your husband has left. It isn't good, and in the midst of this you are trying to keep going. I am assuming that you have explored every avenue for geting help with your son and your mother to give you a little more time? You need emotional and physical/practical support, and if you can no longer afford therapy, even group therapy, then please try and get some help. You are drowning in all you have to do, and it is making you feel self pity, which is understandable, but not attractive.

You are not even geting enough sleep - it is no wonder you feel so dreadful

Only you can solve your problems. I am sure if you posted your exact practical problems you would get a wealth of suggestion. I don't live in the US, so I only know the support that exists in the UK. Suicide is never the solution, as you know, butif you are even thinking about it you need help and fast. PLEASE for the sake of your mother and son, to whom you are everything, get help.

All I can say is that some way down the line you will be glad that you hung on and were brave. Duty is so very very under-rated in our society. People laugh at it, and make it sound cheerless, but to stay in there, and keep doing what you really don't want to, that is heroic. you are a heroine, and now you know that they didn't feel heroic at the time, they felt miserable, and downright suicidal at times.

I wish I could help. A