I want a "piece" of the action!

[stubborn]

That is the question, isn't it Canuk? Overall, yes, things are better but I'm hurt and LONELY emotionally. I could branch out and get intimate emotionally with someone but we all know where that leads: "coffe, anyone?"...

Still going to counseling and I HOPE OW is finally out of the picture for good. I actually heard "I might as well decide that's it" so we shall see.

[stubborn]

ok, here goes. Been lurking but busy and perhaps feeling sorry for myself and a bit (LOT) down so the energy to reach out just wasn't there. We've had a couple more rounds of counseling, not bad, not good, but I think "understanding" is surfacing. On my part that means realizing that:

the one thing spouse seems unable to forgive me for was being sick. (don't gasp, it will make sense in a minute) Prior to A I was depressed (it runs in my genes) and in need of a med check but didn't do it. (surprise, depressed people need help and suggestions sometimes) like many on our end of things I was NOT pleasant to be around. My problems were both situational (mother with Alzheimers and a young child - hands full!) and chemical (pass the prozac but let's mix in some other drug too) So, short version I WAS SICK.

Spouse grew up as a caretaker to an ill parent. Children who do that do NOT grow into adults who are willing to make sacrifices. They have already done that. They also take care of themselves first as adults because they had to take care of themselves as children. Although my illness didn't look like the typical "sickness" I was ill. Spouse and I have discussed this at length in private and in therapy but she never gave an inch...I was wrong and why didn't I do something? (how dare you break your leg when you fell down the well, dammit?!?!")

So I was pondering the other day and thinking about how spouse is just not forgiving (I've known this for a long time, some folks are more flexible than others, no surprise here) and what was it that she just wouldn't let go of???? Then like a ton of bricks it hit me that the thing she couldn't let go was my illness. Being sick. See the correlation? Sick mother, sick spouse, been down the sick path before, not going again, no, no, no...I carried this around with me for a week or so just looking at it, taking no action.

Last night we're in the hot tub(some people talk over dinner, we talk in the water) and she says "I have something to tell you".
Ok, tell me. "I thought about it today and I thought ok, what if I just forgive her? What if I just let it go? She was sick and I can just go on and get over that. I need to forgive you"

How I kept from gasping I'll never know. She went on to say that in yoga class she got to thinking about forgiveness and started crying and wondered why (she NEVER cries, I ALWAYS cry) Then she realized that she needed to forgive herself for not being there when her mother died. She took care of her for years as a child and young adult but when her mother actually died spouse wasn't there (at the hospital). So she decided to forgive herself as well.

And as long as she's sharing the bounty she even decided to forgive OW. Seems they left each other last on rather rude terms with nasty words. (fine by me) So she had sent a two line email to OW to tell her she forgave her. (not so fine by me) hopefully this will REALLY piss OW off, but that's just my dream.

Then she says "I know you're probably thinking I should ask for your forgiveness but if I said I felt like that I just wouldn't be telling you my truth right now. So I'm just telling you my truth". Ok, I wasn't actually thinking that but now that you mention it...but I didn't say that. I thanked her for telling me her truth and for forgiving me.

So just when you think things will never change...whew. Fresh air!

[whatisis]

Wow, I think that's great Stub! She's starting to recognize you as a human being and not an object just meant for her satisfaction, she's starting to see a R! Yes, you were sick and weren't there for her nor yourself, that's a tough go for both parties. She went outside the R because of need and resentment. I think the recognition on her part is very positive (so is the nasty words with OW!!!). My W was a childhood caretaker too and you're right they have little patience for those who aren't up to par in the adult world. My diabetes story is probably a perfect example of it. Childhood caretakers are adults before their time and expect to have their childhood needs met in adult life. You are to nurture them with no expectation of return nurturing, you are to know their every need and take care of it without being told. I once told my W during an angry discussion "you are an adult and sometimes adults have to ask for what they want. You can't be breastfed your every need like an infant" Well, that went over real well! Anyway, I'm glad the air is getting fresher for you.

[JoieDeVivre]

Stubborn,
You asked me over in Husband's thread about the "minimal contact" my H has with OW. I should add to that signature that it's due to extenuating circumstances.

The way my H's A was busted is: he was in a motorcycle accident with OW. He maintains "contact" with her because of that and the legal sitch surrounding it. I'm leaving out 99% of the details because it's quite complicated, but that's why.

As far as how I deal with it ... at first it was hard, still isn't "easy". However, I no longer see it as a convenient excuse for him to contact/see her, which is what it seemed like at first! But I know the A is over. Yes, he still contacts her. But he is very transparent about it. When everything is over, I fully intend to enforce NC, but I don't think it will be too hard. She's pretty much done herself in. I, too, got the "we'll always be friends" line a few months ago. He failed to understand why that was a problem with me!

Duh.

How are things with you?

Joie

[stubborn]

so it's bomb time again.

I finally got out the words "if you need me to be the bad guy I can" and by golly that seems to have opened the floodgates. Quotes: She's leaving and someday I'll see what a great partner she really was. I'll go find my "get it all " person and that person can live with our daughter while partner will not get to do that, all because I won't accept what she has to offer (ie, really good committed roommates, financial stability, good parenting but NO SEX or commitment that that can be worked on)

I, of course want to throw myself on the ground and scream "don't cut off your nose to spite your face"....but my rational mind says the one big thing I did wrong was talk her out of leaving the very first time she said she was going, over 2 years ago.
My heart is breaking, my mind is in a fog, I don't know whether to initiate any conversation...I'm a just getting by.

Happy Mother's Day to me. BFD.

[inspiredjulie]

UGH!!!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry your mind is in a fog. But, sometimes it may be hard to see how much better you deserve when you're in the midst of it all. Let her go get her sh!t together. Maybe she'll realize what a fool she is, maybe not... but YOU DESERVE more.

You need to keep focusing on YOU. You need to GAL. You need to build that PMA... so what is going to help you with all that???

You know the number if you need it.

[saffie]

Stubby,

It's really late here and I just read your post. I will reply tomrrow. (((((HUGS)))))

Have you got anyone else's email? Husband's, sara's, yoyo's? If you have the email of anyone we both post to try them as they probably have my email and can give it to you.

I am so sorry you had such a bad day If you can get my email then email me. Otherwise I shall try and get on at the same time as you tomorrow.
_________________________

[whatisis]

Stub, we all have our breaking points and it appears you have reached yours. You have certain needs and she won't meet them. See where this goes, you've taken a new tact. Let her vent but you've made yourself clear. Keep us posted... and I'll wish you a Happy Mother's Day anyway! Hey, maybe my Coffee Buddy can drop over and give you a hug too...but she kinda likes my mom.

[saffie]

Stubby,

What's brought about this situation? Was it being Mother's Day that polarised her thoughts?

I agree with Julie - it's not for you to sort her out - it's for her whilst you look after yourself and your D. Tour S is just all over the show and just doesn't seem to get her head together.

I know it hurts when it's like this but look after you and your D.

((((((HUGS)))))

[stubborn]

no, it happened after a therapy session where I literally said "If you need me to be the bad guy, I can. If you need me to draw a line in the sand I will." It has always been about me being the "bad" guy; translation - the one with boundaries which she knocks up against now and then.

I just SO don't want this for our D9. Or for "us" whoever that is. I love her and it's disappointing to think you love someone so infantile. She has childhood "issues" with which she does not deal and she needs to "grow up again" and heal them. But since she won't face them, not bloody likely.