The decision is made

[ACJ]

Today I thought I would take a leaf out of Cinders' book and show kindness towards OW.

When I was reading some work emails I can across a job advert for a doctors receptionist. It wanted someone who has eastern european language skills and computer skills. She has these so I cut and pasted it into an email to H. I just said I heard she was looking for a job but if it wasn't the type of thing she was looking for to just discard it. It was only for 20 hrs a week but she is doing part time study for a psychology degree so it might suit her.

[ANewMe]

I know I am a little late on the phone thing but can you unplug the phone when you are at work and either lock it in your car or hide it in your house?

Here, you can unplug it from the phone jack and plug it back in when you come home...people just won't be able to reach your answering machine when you are gone.

[Truelove]

Although Mother's Day was already in March in your place, I would still like to wish you a happy Mother's Day. You deserve it. Take care.

[ACJ]

ANM,
Yes you can unplug the phones here and that is what I intend to do. As my elder daughter finishes college in a week it will cause a few problems but she mainly uses her mobile anyway. My answer machine is a virtual one held by the telecommunications company so I will still get the messages that people leave me.

TL thanks for the MD wishes.

H as read the email I sent him about a job for OW. He replied thank you (which I didn't expect). I had to speak to him tonight to let him know how D12s parent's evening went (as he didn't show) and the first thing he said was thank you for that email. S15 told me yesterday afternoon OW already has a new job but hey I at least tried to be nice.

D12s parent's evening did not go well. It seems she is gradually disengaging with almost every subject. I was shocked at first but then when I sat and thought about it I was not surprised. She is so down at the moment. I don't think she feels very valuable given the way H treats her and so her confidence levels are very low. I'm going to have to try to reverse that but goodness knows how. There is a particular problem with maths but having spoken to the teacher he seems to be a very big part of the problem. So big I made an official complaint about his attitude whilst I was there.

When we got home I tried to explain to D12 that although I was disappointed by what her teachers told me I was not angry and understood why she might be feeling the way she does. Her reaction was to tell me that she was never good enough and that all I was interested in were her brother and sister. My heart is breaking once again.

[ACJ]

S15 spent some time at our house yesterday. He originally came to see his friends,which is fine, but then came in fairly early to use the computer. I had gone to the supermarket when he came in but as I was cooking for me and D12 after that I asked if he had eaten and he said only a bit of bread and jam (from my cupboard of course ) so I fed him as well.

While were sitting eating he told me that H and OW are going away for a few days in a couple of weeks time. It's actually during the next school holidays and very close to D12s birthday. S15 said 'Please can I come and stay here while they are away Mum?' With tears in my eyes I said 'Of course you can, you know you can stay here whenever you want to.'

It turns out they are going to Czech Republic (again) for OWs brother's wedding. I asked S15 if the reason he wasn't going was b/c he hadn't been invited. He said he had been invited but didn't want to go. I asked if there was a specific reason why. He said no but then a few minutes later told me that during the time H will be away there is a party on that he wants to go to so I suspect that is the real reason.

I knew from the way he described it that this 'party' would more than likely be an under 18s night in a nightclub in town (as they always are). So I told him that I was ok with him going to the party but he had to understand that once we had negotiated what time he was to be home by he had to stick to it. I told him that H has reported back to me how there have been no problems about him coming in late and that if he could do it at Hs house then he could do it here. I was honest and I said I wouldn't stand for being disrepected again (which is what led to him living at Hs in the first place). He looked rather sheepish but reluctantly agreed. Time will tell if history repeats itself or not.

I am really worried about D12. She hardly eats anything, is terribly offhand with everybody (probably b/c she doesn't eat) and clearly doesn't feel very valued and loved right now (despite my best efforts).

When I took S15 home I asked him to get H to come to the car to speak to me so I could discuss D12 with him. Unfortunately he was in the bath!

By the time I was home H had miraculously got out of the bath and was speaking to D12 on the phone. I had previously asked him to keep an eye on her next Tuesday as I have to go to my uncle's funeral. I had sent him an email telling him that actually due to the timing of the funeral I should be able to go and come back without it being any different to when I am at work. Anyway he was trying to sort something out with D12. She gave the phone to me and when I explained about the email he said he won't be in the office until Friday (so more time off, not seeing his kids). He then asked what I wanted to speak to him about. I asked him to call me back on my mobile so that I could speak to him in private (This didn't go down very well with D12 who was listening).

He did phone back and I sat in my car to speak to him. I told him how unhappy D12 was. I said we BOTH needed to ensure that we were trying to do something about this. I said she needs to see you more H but before she can even begin to think about being on good terms with OW she needs to rebuild a R with you. I said I couldn't guarantee that she would ever be comfortable with OW but she was missing her dad and it was having a detrimental effect on her. I expected him to spew a load of venom but he didn't. He just said ok lieave it with me. As we hung up I had to stop myself from telling him ILY. I don't even know where it came from, it was just there.

I was cross with myself afterwards b/c whilst stifling the ILY I forgot to ask him about the dates he will be away (as S15 wasn't sure). So I still don't exactly when to expect S15 but it looks like H has no intention of speaking to me himself about it.

[ACJ]

I'm beginning to feel very resentful of people who started this journey at the same time as me but who, for their own reasons, chose not to stand for their M. I want the stillness they have.

My Hs infidelity has cost me so much more than my M. My self esteem is gone, (I keep thinking it is returning but it's only transient so not sure it will ever recover), my dream of a happy family is gone (this was so important to me after having such a bad R with my mum for so long) and my S15 is gone. I feel like I'm becoming an empty nester before my time.

S15 made it perfectly clear today he doesn't have time for me. I thought things were picking up as he visited twice today after his exams. I was wrong. My house is just convenient b/c it is nearer to school and therefore easier to see his friends. He just came to use the 'facilities'. I tried to engage him by asking him how he wanted his bedroom decorating. First he told me not to bother b/c he won't be in it most of the time. I pointed out that irrespective of whether he was here or not it needed doing. I told him this was his chance to tell me how he would like it so that when he is here it will be a space he is comfortable in. He said it didn't really matter b/c it wouldn't be him that was doing the decorating anyway. I pointed out that once his exams are finished he is going to have lots of spare time on his hands and so he might enjoy spending some of it decorating his room. He bluntly told me that any spare time he has will be spent on time helping H to build/decorate the extension he is planning to his flat to give S15 a proper bedroom there.

I got visibly upset at this point and he asked me why. I told him that it hurts to know that he has time to spend with his father and his friends and yet no time to spend with me. I don't remember all that was said after that but most of what came out of his mouth wasn't pleasant. I don't think he will be here again for a while.

I don't want to be me anymore

[naej]

Oh Alison, I am so sorry. That must have hurt so much, but its early days for his honeymoon period with his Dad, give it time.
He is a teenager and by definition that don't rejoin the human race for a few more years yet. Try to concentrate on you and the girls. It does get better honestly.
I am dashing out but had to make a "correction" cough ahem on another thread. I appear to have just put my size 4 in it again! Hey I,ll live.
What you got planned for the week end, shame the weather has reverted to normal.
Chin up.I know you probably hate that expression but if we lift our chin our head follows and that in itself makes us feel a wee bit better instaed of gazin at the ground.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Alison,

...

I am sorry.

I am sorry that his 'DAD' regardless of what is going on is not kicking his son's ass for disrespecting his mother.

There is no excuse for that.

You will always be his mum. One day he will realize that. I promise, teenagers suck...I did. I was horrible, now my parents are some of my best friends.

[Lissie]

I'm beginning to feel very resentful of people who started this journey at the same time as me but who, for their own reasons, chose not to stand for their M. I want the stillness they have.

Please don't feel resentful. It will eat away at you. I do not stand for my marriage, i stopped standing a long time ago. Stillness is still not there all the time.

It gets better with time lovey. Have faith.

My Hs infidelity has cost me so much more than my M. My self esteem is gone

I was just talking to my brother last night about this very thing.

Then i was so mad this morning that I let myself get upset over people that are not worth my love.

He is not worthy of your shine babes.

As for your son. I will keep you in my prayers. I know it must hurt so badly.

I want you to try to see this as your beautiful son, just trying his hardest to please his dad.

A man that your son knows is not there for him, a man that he knows is not worthy of your son's love.

He knows you are there for him A. He knows that your love is unconditional.

He knows that pushing you to your limits is something he can do b/c no matter what, he trusts your love and your presence.

He may not show it to you the way he should right now. Please try so hard not to take it personally.


He is reacting to his situation in his life. And he is using you as his punching bag.

You are loved, you are beautiful, God don't make no junk.

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

[Smurf_SMR]

Oh Alison, I am sorry, but I think you have to let go a bit.

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter and I should be consoling each other, and giving each other more love and support than before.

When I ever ask for a hug, she calls me a "Peodo". This is my little princess that when I used to drop her off at school, would turn back around and ask me for a tiss and tuddle. (choking back tears now!)

The most hurtful thing was when she said I was an "f**king crap dad". The more I try, the more resentment builds up. (ok Bawling now). She now does not remember saying it.

Tonight, in the supermarket, I noticed a bald spot on her head, the size of a 50p piece. I was crucified for careing and expressing concern.

You cannot win!


I have learnt to - let go. Just be there, for when she, and eventually my son need me.

I have expressed my exasperation to a couple of close friends at work, and you should hear some of the horror stories of their teenagers - you are not alone, wont be the first, and certainly not the last.

I know telling you of my problems, does not wave the magic wand, but you are not alone.