Husband insists its over-what now? Please help!

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Lea! Good luck, keep going,

God, you sound JUST like me, that bit where you describe it, I totally understand as thats what its like for me I really think the problem is within him, but in turn it has had a negative effect on our M. Its like he has put a wall up between us, and while we can chat about every day stuff, our 'connection' and intimacy has gone. If that makes sense?? His eyes just seems so dead. I feel that he is running away from what he thinks is the problem (me, house, etc). I can see that he really believes that his feelings have gone-but how can I turn that around

...and I dont know either !!! The thing about the dog is wierd! He doesnt want to let go really does he?? I would be very cool this afternoon, no emotion, friendly and light and act as if. I bet he may betray some emotion himself at some point. (at the end of packing, my BF burst into tears!! I didnt. I gave him a hug though). This thing about his depression being down to the guilt of leaving you is nonsense. And my BF felt that too for 3 months after he left me. But I stopped putting a guilt trip on him, stopped crying and calling him...and after a perioid of no contact, he finally faced up to the fact that his depression was his own and not about our R. Your H doesnt seem to have bottomed out yet and is still blaming the R. So yes...no emotion! No making him feel guilty! Apparently, guilt is our enemy, it stops these guys coming back. They dont want to be guilt ridden. Try and appear ok ! Good luck...

Ali x

[saffie]

Ali - will flip over to your thread later - my H has just come home so i need to be fairly quick on the PC at the moment

Leah, you said -

He has also said he doesnt like our lifestyle (house, mortgage, cat, dog etc). Whats that all about?!

I would hazard a guess that this is all about panic. I imagine, (and I am only guessing here), that all this stuff makes him panic about money - and also makes him feel not good enough - not a good enough provider etc. One gets into very negative thought patterns and just can't control them. When one is depressed, logic kind of goes out the window, and panic sets in - you just enter a completely different mind set.

I found the C that was attached to my local GP practice was useless. She just kept going over and over the past and firstly I didn't feel it was anonymous enough for me, ( I know a lot of people in the area I live in), and I just don't think the C's attached to the GP practices are very highly trained. I found going over the same old things each time depressed me further and made me feel all jumbled up. The C just didn't know what to do with me. I could deflect her as well which wasn't good - we just wasted each other's time.

My Clinical psychologist is a guy called Dr. Clive Long - Google him. He is based at St. Andrew's Hospital in Northampton. I hope that the DB boards leave these details up as he is a fully qualified clinical psychologist and is listed on all the professional lists. I found Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to be so good. The drugs helped me to a certain extent with my problems - I guess they balanced me - but I then needed to actually move forwards. I needed coping strategies etc.

I can put his tel No up but I don't know if it will get left up as it might be seen as advertising. I am really not trying to advertsise this guy - he just is really good. - 01604 616307.

Depending on which part of Bedfordshire you are in - ie. if Northampton is too far for you - find the professional lists that DR. Clive Long is listed on and then you will know that other people on that list are similarly qualified.

Good luck

[lea123]

Thanks Ali and Saffie.

Well we spent the day together yesterday, making a start on packing our stuff so the house can be put on market/rented out.

It was a horrible horrible day.

I really don't think that we have a future together. I was rubbish at DB'ing. We were dividing 10 years worth of stuff and I just got so emotional. H on the other hand was singing along to the CD player like he didnt have a care in the world. Not to say that he was cruel, because he wasnt at all, but he really doesnt have any doubts. When we talked about it, he said that it was sad that it was over but he feels we have both changed and arent compatible anymore. There will always be a place in his heart for me, he will always care for me, etc. He just doesnt love me anymore.

He seems excited by his new life, he is making lots of plans to go to festivals/gigs with friends, talks excitedly about living in his new place (yet to be found!), that we can have 'joint custody' of the dog etc.

In the evening we went to see his elderly relative at the hospice which just made things worse. H and I were fairly close to her, and it was awful to see her like that. She couldnt speak and could barely open her eyes. We spent 2 hours there and I just sobbed my heart out. I'm thinking-life's to short to try to hang onto someone who doesnt love me. Then I think-but I love him so much! Maybe he'll change his mind. Then I'm feeling guilty about thinking such things when his poor relative hasnt got much longer to live, my problems are trivial in comparison.

I will never ever understand what happened-literally 4-6 months after the wedding something changed inside him. He agrees that he had some sort of breakdown (at his worst he was talking about suicide, took a knife to himself, used to wander the streets at night because he couldnt stand to be in the house, etc-TOTALLY unlike the old him he was sooooo laid back and didnt have a care in the world). I feel we lost our connection when this happened, and as he is not wanting to get it back, there is nothing that can be done.

I am so sad for all the hopes and dreams we had together for the future, that now won't happen. I don't mind being alone so much, but I just miss his company, his conversation, his laugh, his voice, his hugs and kisses so much. And to think that he will be giving all that to someone else in the future-how do you cope??

Aggghhhhhh!!

Lea
xxx

[One Day]

Oh, Lea. I feel so awful that you're feeling bad and wish there was something I could say to help. How are you feeling now, a bit later in the day?

I thought your comments about H's total commitment to his course of action were interesting, actually, and more in line with someone who's compensating for something. I guess I think that his absolute surety that it's over is an act- he's NOT sure, so he's acting as though he is in the hope that he will then feel that way. Remember to believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do. Your H reminds me a lot of what Al's other half said to her when he left. But look at them now? I genuinely believe he can't let go of her (and why should he- she's ACE!)

That you're going to share joint custody of your dog is good- it'll give you opportunities to DB and interact with him.

Take a deep breath. You're going through one of the most stressful things anyone can, so don't apologise for being upset at all. It just shows what a sensitive and caring person you are, and is a testimony to the commitment you made when you got M.

L.xx

PS. While I remember it, there was a success story from someone (Married_three_months) on DB a couple of years ago. As you can guess from her name, she'd been married three months (!). It might be worth having a read of her threads when you get time (they're in the success stories in the resources section- I don't think she posts any more). Reading her story helped me a lot at the beginning.

[lea123]

Thanks One Day

Today has been a much better day than yesterday.

When he came over today I wasn't upset (think I got it out of my system yesterday!!) and was generally laid back and upbeat.
We weeded our front garden together, and tidied up the rest of our house. I was wearing a (tight!) little vest top and jeans and was feeling good about myself because I've lost a stone in weight since he left. He said something like 'You really have lost a lot of weight!' and then said that my top was nice and I looked good.

I popped into town to do some shopping and got whistled at by a bunch of lads, so when I got home I laughed about it to H, and he said something like 'Its because you look hot!'

So that helped my confidence today. We got on really well, just chatting about random stuff. He said he was going over to a friends house this evening to play some sort of game (strange dweeby dungeons and dragons type thing-something he never used to be into before) and I joked 'And you're the one that wants to divorce me?!' which he found very funny and laughed at.

We then went over to the hospice and sat with his relative for about an hour. I caught him looking at me a couple of times, so I just smiled in a friendly way then looked away. When he dropped me off home, as I got out of his van I could feel his eyes on me and I looked round and he was definitely checking me out!! He then said something like 'Well I'll see you-' then said he would be in touch.

So all in all a much better day than yesterday. And I think it has been better because I DETACHED!! After being a total mess yesterday, I got it out of my system and could act 'As If' around him. It definitely made him relax more, and made the whole visit much better.

I have started to imagine a life without H, and although its not what I would have chosen myself, I realise I can live without him.

I hope I can feel this positive every day!

Lea
xxx

[One Day]

YAY Lea! Well done!! Sounds like you did a fab job today, and how great that H was checking you out! That's a good little baby step, so I guess it means you need to keep doing what you're doing (i.e. detached and AS IF).

Brilliant! I'm glad you had a good day,

L.xx

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Lea... well done! See, you get results already! I bet he was foxed by your detached and happy demeanour.. and then he says "'Well I'll see you-' then said he would be in touch.".. I bet he will! Continue to not contact him, let him sit with his decisions and emotions, arrive at his own feelings and let him come to you... and after 10 years together and you sound like a loving partner... why wouldnt he miss you? Who knows how this is going to turn out, but if you can keep it up, he may take another baby step..

thanks for jooining in teh debate on my thread!
Ali xxx

[lea123]

Hello

He rang me again at lunchtime, I didnt answer but rang him back about half an hour later and casually said 'You rang?' He wanted to ask about our money situation cos he had no cash on him and didnt have any lunch. He then proceeded to talk about how he'd been to his friends last night and tell me what he'd had for dinner, etc etc! I made my excuses and said I had to go, and he said he'd let me know the outcome of the money situation.

Why do they keep contacting us if they don't want to be with us?!
He could have easily just text me. Our conversations arent awkward at all-if enything its not much different to before we split up!!!

We still get on so damn well!! Whats that all about?!?!

Lea
xxx

[AliSuddenly]

Wow! Yuo sound like me. For several weeks I knew everything my BF did day to day, including what he ate for tea, what book he was currently reading and what he watched on the tele !! We, like you get on so well and just like normal, that if anyone who knew us listened in, they couldnt tell we had split up! Wierd.

You did extrodinarily well! Not answering the phone at first and then getting off the phone saying you had to go? I'm impressed.

Its just this kind of breezy, confident behaviour that apparently gets them missing us and thinking.. I dont seem to have done a good job at this, I always anwser the phone straight away!

You're doing great Lea and its nice to know theres someone in such a similiar boat to me (and not nice at the same time hey!)

Ali xx
________________
Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years
IDLYA: 2 Nov 07
Own flat: 26 Jan 08
Depression confirmed: 4 Mar
Stuck in Stage 2 !

[lea123]

Hello

Just a little update to say we've decided to try and rent our house out rather than sell it, then find our own rented accommodation each. We are lucky enough to own a 3 bed house but won't come out with anything if we have to sell. Would much rather keep the house if we can. Selling the house just seems so final.

I also feel really detached from the whole situation at the moment. I get little twinges when I see him or have to speak to him on the phone, but I am able to get through the day ok without him. I also no longer have the strong urge to contact him like I did before. Which I'm so glad about because it was driving me crazy, it was like I was possessed!!

I feel ready to accept that our marriage is over. If our paths cross again in the future then of course I would love the opportunity to get back together. But I have accepted that right now, my future isnt with him. I am kind of looking forward to getting my own place.

Don't get me wrong, I miss him loads. But I got the first bomb in Feb 07 and have spent the last year living with a depressed husband who, to be honest, didnt treat me very well. I have known things havent been right all this time, and have always had it in the back of my mind that this may happen again. Once bitten, twice shy I guess. In a lot of ways, I am a year ahead of a lot of newcomers on this board.

Thanks for reading, I just tend to pour my thoughts out so sorry about that!

Lea
xxx