I have a lot of regrets, too many to list, But I would have demanded (once I found out what he did) that he got to C, or I wasn't going to stay. Of course this would have been just a ploy for him to go. Don't know if it would have worked, but its been over a year and the time has just ran away with me.
I would have paid more attention to the problems we were having, I was so involved with me children that I didn't see us slipping.
I wish we would have worked out whatever problems we had before I had my kids, I hate that they have to be subjected to any of it.
I could go on and on but im sure our answers are all alike in a way.
God Speed.
Tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
OK Puppy, the thread has gone 24 hours with no new regrets and successes. Maybe it is time to give the interpretation of the results. Remember you promised me more depth than I told you so :-)
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
See, I contend that where most of us miss the boat is that we should be BOTH "more loving" AND "tougher/firmer boundaries" in our approach. That the best way to end an affair and get a wayward spouse to come back to us is to BOTH shine a light back toward the marriage, to "be the better choice," but ALSO to let them know that we won't wait forever, we won't tolerate them carrying on the affair right in front of our noses, etc.
I spend a lot of time advocating my own position, but I thought it would be best to ask everyone "Now that you know what you know, what might you have done differently?"
I think this board is a gift. I think we each bring different skillsets, different philosophies, and different gifts to the table. Some of us are Encouragers, some of us are Advisors, and some are Tough Lovers. And I think it's a shame that sometimes some of those voices get squelched, because everyone has so much to offer.
That's the macro view. The micro view is that I also have this hypothesis that if some of the "firm boundaries" things that I advocate are to work, they have to be done VERY EARLY. That the longer the affair gets entrenched, the harder it is to then enforce the boundaries.
So what I'm trying to explore here, is that while we all (me too!) spend a lot of time advocating either the "patient" approach or the "tough love" approach, that -- really -- BOTH are needed, simultaneously. Not an easy thing to pull off, especially when your entire world's been ripped apart, and maybe we're conflict-avoiders by nature. But I do think that's where I see people having the most success.
DBing is not a passive approach. I think sometimes it gets PORTRAYED that way on these boards, but it's really not. It's a patient approach, but not a passive one. It's all about working on yourself, making yourself the better choice, and then decided EACH OF US FOR OURSELVES what we can tolerate and for how long. With that in mind, we stake out our boundaries and we set about enforcing them, and we grow in the process.
That's really it. Pretty much common sense, and nothing real earth-shattering, but that's what I was trying to explore.
Thank you Puppy - I agree. I think most of the successes you see have the elements you refer to. I know that both have had to exist in order for my M to have continued. When the bomb happened in my M my H would have cake eaten if I had let him - I mean why not? To have two women fighting over him just stroked his ego hugely. I made it very clear that wouldn't happen. I wanted him and my M but if he wouldn't commit to me 100% then he was not going to like the outcome.
I think reality hit him. OW was no shrinking violet either and once she knew I knew about the A she was going to want some sort of resolution as well.
I do believe though, that as well as having the elements you describe Puppy, timing and luck do play their parts in this all.
If you find out about the A when your S is at the dizzy heights of those endorphin fuelled highs of the early A, I honestly think it is harder to bring them down to earth with a bump - they are beyond seeing how impractical it all is. And for me the luck thing comes into the order in which things happen. I was lucky that I didn't know about my H's A when it was going on and so the changes I made to me and my M, my H knew were genuine, because they weren't done because of his A; he knew that they were done becaus I wanted to improve my M and fight for him and our happiness. The fact that it all went up a notch when he told me about the A was OK because it had been happening anyway. If I had found out about the A first I think he would have thought the changes were not genuine and so it would have taken longer to convince him. He knows me too well to think that I knew he was having an A, and worked on him whilst waiting to see what he would do - I don't have the patience in me.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
If you find out about the A when your S is at the dizzy heights of those endorphin fuelled highs of the early A, I honestly think it is harder to bring them down to earth with a bump - they are beyond seeing how impractical it all is. And for me the luck thing comes into the order in which things happen. I was lucky that I didn't know about my H's A when it was going on and so the changes I made to me and my M, my H knew were genuine, because they weren't done because of his A; he knew that they were done becaus I wanted to improve my M and fight for him and our happiness. The fact that it all went up a notch when he told me about the A was OK because it had been happening anyway. If I had found out about the A first I think he would have thought the changes were not genuine and so it would have taken longer to convince him.
I agree with this all Saffie. I found out about the affair when H was in an early honeymoon stage and he was basically delusional: divorce was going to give H more money & time, I'd meet someone wonderful, and he was going to live happily ever after with OW. He was obsessed with OW either with her or texting her non-stop. I probably should have kicked him out, but wasn't strong enough back then, so I forgive myself for that! I do think if it happened today or someone else did that to me, their stuff would be piled outside!!!!
I do think since the changes I've made in myself happened after that, H thinks they are probably done for him or temporary or whatever. It's been 6 months now, so I would think after a year or two, H would realize the changes are for myself (and the kids) and aren't temporary! Karen
The "hmmmmmmm" meant that I thought it was interesting to consider that the wayward spouse might not see the betrayed spouse's GAL improvements as sincere when they are coupled with a hardline stance. That -- although it happened serendipitously in your sitch -- that it might have been good for you NOT to know about the affair early on, so that your husband would see your self-improvement efforts in a more sincere light.
I still advocate an early and forceful approach to busting up affairs, for the same reason you have to "get the liquor out of the house" with an alcoholic, but I thought yours was something I hadn't thought of before.
I do think if it happened today or someone else did that to me, their stuff would be piled outside!!!!