There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

hey everyone, and happy mother's day to all the mom's out there!

Its been an interesting couple of weeks. sad, actually, because of birthdays and hormones and divorce stuff, oh my. but I've been letting that river flow and working thru it/processing it and all that good stuff. A couple of moments last week that were tough, but overall okay.

then yesterday.

okay, who here wants to take a guess as to what happened? those of you who are familiar with my situation probably see the pattern H and I have...I pull away/accept things, he panics. Add a holiday or two (my birthday 2 weeks ago, his birthday today, mothers day) and you have a part-ayyyyy.

yep, yesterday he came over before t-ball and started crying (so sad, I mean it, I hate to see him like this...atlhough my true confession is part of me is glad. does that make me sick?) about how his life is miserable, he is miserable, he is so sad, sad in a way I can't understand...that yes, I know sad, but as he put it, I don't have the guilt attached which adds a whole new level. He told me his life is a mess and he doesn't know how to change it, to make things right again, to fix it all.

He asked for a hug, which I gave and continued to just hold him. and I listened, but let him have his pain, didn't try to take it from him (my therapist will be soooo proud). He started kissing me, and I'll go ahead and admit that yes, I kissed him back...but not further. he tried. tried hard. tried persistently. and me, though celibate (gasp) since october, stayed strong. he actually asked me why not. and I told him:

I told him because he lives with another woman. that he chose another woman.

and I told him that I was worth more than that (he agreed).

and I told him that I can't be his f-buddy

and I told him that last october when I thought I could, it almost killed me, because it means more to me than that.

and I told him that he can't come to me every time he has a fight with OW (don't know if that's the case, only speculating).

he cried, I cried, he apologized, I accepted it, we mourned our past.

I held him. we lay on my bedroom floor (NOT the bed) and I held him and let him cry, and he told me he always felt so secure with me (ding ding ding)

This went on off and on with a break for tball.

at some point, I think after t-ball, he tried again (he tried several times) and at one point he pulled me into the bathroom and told me all those things I have longed to hear...that he knows we could make a go of things again...that we could have a marriage even better than we ever had in the past, that if he could just figure out how to make things right again, we could really do this.

before he left with the kids he told me he is such a muddled mess, that I can't know how big a mess his life is. and I agreed with that...I can't know. I don't know much about his life anymore. and then I asked the question...what does he mean by that. and he told me...that his life is torn by 2 women. me, who he still has feelings for and can't seem to let go of (or something like that), and that he is obessessed with a woman (ow) who just makes him miserable.

he looked at me and said, "you've probably known it was obsesssion for a while now."

um, yeah.

went on to say that he is just now realizing it.

Okay, if you've made it this far, here's a cookie. just a little longer, okay?

I know this (or something similar) happens around the holidays. I am guessing something happened (fight? who knows) with ow. I know in my heart he needs help, and that he is addicted to me (security) as much as he is to her (excitement? obesession?). but damn that little spark still has to ping around my brain and say, well, maybe this time its for real.

then the logical part of me says, the over/under is a week when he has made up with ow and all this is a forgotten incident...for him at least. and I'll be battling the wake left behind for a while.

any thoughts?

went to the gym this morning before the kids get back to try to clear my head. will take more than a workout. but the song for the day, guys and gals, is a sort of oldie but goodie that came on first...says it all:

Barely Breathing


I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star

But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
It must've been that yesterday was the day that i was born
There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious, you hafta ask me why
I say goodbye...

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I am kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the prize and worth the price
The price that I would pay

And everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? Only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, it’s worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I’m thinking it over anyway …

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?
I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You Come and go
Please don't come and go

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the prize and it’s worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I'm thinking it over anyway...

And I know what you’re doing
I see it all too clear…