I adore that you say, "whiltst". Are you from England? Love, love, love it.
Anyway, today is mother's day and I orginally told h to bring her home early so the THREE of us could go eat together. but last night I changed my mind. my daughter is only 5 and mother's day really doesn't have any meaning for her yet and I know she wants to spend time with daddy. and the truth is, right now, I don't want to spend time with him. I can't right now. it's too painful. I left a really light beat message on his phone saying something to the effect that I was invited out for the day and have fun with Isabella and I'll see you guys around 7pm. Thanks!!
That was it.
It's a tough pill to swallow knowing how right you are (saffie) about how tough it must have been for h to be with me while I was going through the depression. you are so right. I know deep in my heart that was it for him. 100 percent positive. my attitude stunk, I was snappy, wanted to be myself all the time, the whole bit.
I guess I took certain things for granted. he comes from a very family-oriented background (they do everything together -- no divorces) and I was certain for so many years = up until the bomb, even that he was solid in that way. EVen though I think he has serious communication and intimacy issues, there was always a "vibe" with him that he would always be here. partly because of the way he was raised and just that he kept his emotions inside and always said everything was "fine".
I don't know. I guess we can play the "blame game" all day long. It isn't going to change things now, is it?
Funny thing is, because he was so unaffectionate and so emotionally unavailable, the only things I miss are 1. he made me laugh so hard (very sarcastic), 2. family time, we love going to yard sales and auctions -- we have a 150 year old house upstate). and that's pretty much it!
AS I said before, what my mom's doc said to her, I'm not grieving HIM as much as I'm grieving the IDEA of him. Make sense?
God, these boards are great for journaling! I hope that's allowed!
Anyway, sleeping is hard for me. I'm going to go to a doc up here that my cognitive therapist rec. and get some help with this. And here's the thing, as I said before. I have dropped the rope.
I had a visualization last night. I imagined the "rope" being held by a 14 year old h in a grubby schoolyard. We are both in it and it's the kind of school yard with concrete ground and everything is broken and it's surrounded by a chain-link fence. So I, DROP the rope, as a fully-actualized adult (he's still hanging onto it) and I walk away. As I'm walking away, he's telling me all the horrible stuff, I don't love you, I love her, I'll never come home, etc. then I LEAVE the chained-in, grubby school yard -- I find and opening. And what I walk into is GORGEOUS!! Sunny and flowers everywhere and warm and glorious. I FEEL instantly amazing. I keep walking through this amazing garden and turn around and the grubby schoolyard gets smaller and smaller and so does h, still shouting horrible things, but it's getting distant and his image is getting smaller because I have dropped the rope and walked away.
I know this sounds super-corny, but it gave me peace last night.
I got the drop the rope thing from the db counselor and it was very helpful to me. Another thing that is helping me right now is that having our h's back (or w's) is a WANT, in true reality, it is not a NEED.
They are two very different things.
Anyway, thanks for reading on this mother's day and I have all of you (esp. the moms, sorry dads, I'll think of you next month) in my hearts.
