Well we spent the day together yesterday, making a start on packing our stuff so the house can be put on market/rented out.
It was a horrible horrible day.
I really don't think that we have a future together. I was rubbish at DB'ing. We were dividing 10 years worth of stuff and I just got so emotional. H on the other hand was singing along to the CD player like he didnt have a care in the world. Not to say that he was cruel, because he wasnt at all, but he really doesnt have any doubts. When we talked about it, he said that it was sad that it was over but he feels we have both changed and arent compatible anymore. There will always be a place in his heart for me, he will always care for me, etc. He just doesnt love me anymore.
He seems excited by his new life, he is making lots of plans to go to festivals/gigs with friends, talks excitedly about living in his new place (yet to be found!), that we can have 'joint custody' of the dog etc.
In the evening we went to see his elderly relative at the hospice which just made things worse. H and I were fairly close to her, and it was awful to see her like that. She couldnt speak and could barely open her eyes. We spent 2 hours there and I just sobbed my heart out. I'm thinking-life's to short to try to hang onto someone who doesnt love me. Then I think-but I love him so much! Maybe he'll change his mind. Then I'm feeling guilty about thinking such things when his poor relative hasnt got much longer to live, my problems are trivial in comparison.
I will never ever understand what happened-literally 4-6 months after the wedding something changed inside him. He agrees that he had some sort of breakdown (at his worst he was talking about suicide, took a knife to himself, used to wander the streets at night because he couldnt stand to be in the house, etc-TOTALLY unlike the old him he was sooooo laid back and didnt have a care in the world). I feel we lost our connection when this happened, and as he is not wanting to get it back, there is nothing that can be done.
I am so sad for all the hopes and dreams we had together for the future, that now won't happen. I don't mind being alone so much, but I just miss his company, his conversation, his laugh, his voice, his hugs and kisses so much. And to think that he will be giving all that to someone else in the future-how do you cope??
Aggghhhhhh!!
Lea xxx
Me-26 H-27 T-10 years M-20 months First bomb-Feb 07 Second bomb-March 08
