this maryangela -thread 3 -- he's gone

[saffie]

Thank you for saying I have been a help - it's nice to know.

I also went through a depression period last fall (and 2 years ago) and I know that is probably the main reason that led h to the affair, but i know it's no excuse that he went outside the marriage.

I so agree.

He was never there for me emotionally during my depression at all.I was very unhapy with him, truth be told. I don't want our old M back, no way.

Agaian, I can empathise with this. However, what I would say is that now I have read a bit about what it is like living with someone with depression, I am much more aware of how our S's just don't know how to help. How they can get dragged down by us and sometimes they do things in order for their own survival. Not excuses for an A but I can see the reasons.

By the way, I have TOTALLY looked at my side of the street. I could have handled my depression better -- gotten proper help faster. I could have helped more around the house. I could have eased some of the financial burden. I was very focused on my own depression and problems that I withdrew and let myself go and began to not participate in family events (very important to him) and didn't follow through on a lot of things. I was snappy to him A LOT. I was controlling. I can see all of that now and it sucks that i can't turn back the clock and change that, but there it is.

I am totally with you here too. I found that the one biggest ground breaker with my H was the owning up and apologising for my actions.

I was in a luckier position than yours in a way in that I knew nothing about my H's A for 18 months - so when I made my apologies etc and changed things the A was not the reason, (as I didn't know), and so my H didn't have the mind set that I was making changes to win him back from an A. It was because I was doing these things he owned up about the A. Also, the A being 18 months on, the 'highs' had declined, and reality was setting in. Don't get me wrong - he still told me he loved that b!tch of an OW, but he was a bit more grounded than your H is yet. I was able to bring him out of the fog in around a week. A week of hell but it was a week. He recommitted big time and has never given me reason to look back - however I fixated on OW for a long time.(That's what brought me to the DB boards - she was still destroying my M because she lived in MY head morning noon and night. H had forgotten her whilst I lived and breathed her. Now I only think about her really when I come to these boards. A year on from finding out about the A my H , out of the blue, told me he hadn't ever loved OW and that he now realised what a manipulative person she was, (and she really was - she left two young kids with her H to pursue mine).

Give it time for the rosey tint to leave your H's eyes whilst you work on you and building your life. Going back to school sounds excellent. You sound so different and so much stronger than the woman that came to these boards. YOU will be fine