saffie: you've been a great help to me today, just wanted you to know that.
Again, I'm dropping the rope. I can't stand the lying and the pain anymore. LIke you, Saffie, I also went through a depression period last fall (and 2 years ago) and I know that is probably the main reason that led h to the affair, but i know it's no excuse that he went outside the marriage.
He was never there for me emotionally during my depression at all.I was very unhapy with him, truth be told. I don't want our old M back, no way. Hopefully as I grow as a person and GAL, he will be attracted to that and show interest and lose interest in ow, but if he doesn't, I am realizing I can't control that. I can't control him. And the more I try (I've done it all), begging, pleading, bargaining , threatening, it just pushes him away further. Because I make it all about HIM. I focus all my efforts of HIM and what he will do or won't do, say or won't say. again, it's like dealing with an addict (I've been down that road with my mother).
It's crazy-making at it's best. Detach -- if you have ever been to al-anon (very db, by the way), it is all about detaching. You can't deny someone the dignity of their own bottom and I have to drop the rope and allow things to unfold for him as they will.
I DO think there a chemicals that come into play with an affair and he's def. in that stage. can I change that; get into his brain and wipe out those chemicals? no. all i can do is focus on myself and make myself the person I've always wanted to be.
When I think along these lines I have hope. When I focus on h, I go downhill. As my mother's doctor told her the other day when she told him about my sitch (she was crying in his office), "tell your daughter she isn't grieving about HIM, but the THOUGHT of who she though he was." So true.
i thought he was "solid family man". Comes from that kind of background. yes, I was unhappy that he wasn't able to really be there for me emotionally, ever, but I downplayed that need in myself because he was very, "johnny on the spot". Came home like clock-work, always paid the bills, took care of things. Very dependable. But I can see that in exchange for all that I missed out on some very basic needs.
He's not affectionate at all (was in first few months of relationship), not able to handle anyting emotional, keeps his emotions to himself, has OCD issues, could only be affectionate during sex.
And I know see a pattern throughout the m of lying. not about affairs, but about many other things. wuold lie at the drop of a hat just to keep me quiet. (he even admitted this).
He's a good father and I thought that meant he was a good husband. Not the same thing I am finding. IF he breaks things of with OW, which now he is saying he is "so in love" and wants to come home, I have some serious thinking to do. When this all first came down (initial bomb end of feb), I would have done ANYTHING to keep M together. I don't feel like that now.
Therapy is really helping me. Somewhere along the line I gave up my needs for the sake of security (he works at the university level in New York) and I thought he was the great father and dependable guy. But I short-changed myself by putting my own needs on a shelf.
By the way, I have TOTALLY looked at my side of the street. I could have handled my depression better -- gotten proper help faster. I could have helped more around the house. I could have eased some of the financial burden. I was very focused on my own depression and problems that I withdrew and let myself go and began to not participate in family events (very important to him) and didn't follow through on a lot of things. I was snappy to him A LOT. I was controlling. I can see all of that now and it sucks that i can't turn back the clock and change that, but there it is.
It's still no excuse for an affair, plain and simple. I tried to talk to him about things (last fall, for example), tried to get him to therapy so a therapist could explain anxiety/depression to him, all to no avail. He can't handle anything emotional.
So now I am left with the big question. Is this someone I want in my life? He will always be in my life because of our daughter, but he is emotionally shut down and has always been this way.
It's so funny. One night before he left a month ago, I accidentaly overheard him on phone with OW. He was so "understanding" and really "listening" to her and giving her wonderful advise, like that is who he is! He was like that with me in the beginning of our romance too! that's one of the reason s I fell in love with him!!! I remember after being with him for about 4 months when I first saw the sigsn of the "real him". It was really shocking and a big red flag that I chose to ignore.
Well, let OW find this out on her own. According to h's mom, he's been this way (emotionally closed) his WHOLE LIFE, even as a kid. OW is in for a rude awakening. He's not the "Alan Alda" type she thinks he is and it will be interesting to watch it unfold.
