OW doesn't matter because really this isn't about her.
I spent far too long on OW and put too much energy into obsessing about her. Time and energy that in hindsight would have been much better invested in building on our R.
If there had been no problems in the M your H would not have looked at OW - it just wouldn't have happened. The important thing is to work out WHAT went wrong, and if you can and/or want to, sort out those things.
OW is a symptom - not the cause. My H 'thought' he was in love with OW but that was because of the adrenalin rush etc. He wasn't. He will admit that readily now but in the throws of it all they just don't see it. OW is an escape from the problems - a 'get out of jail' card - but she is not THE problem.
Do you see what I am saying?
You don't have to 'forgive' the OW or anything. Ignore her as much as you can. Don't spend energy on fixating on her but instead think about what you can do to 'attract' your H back if that's what you want. At the end of the day though you are working on YOU. Any changes must be for YOUR benefit - otherwise they are not 'true' and you won't be comfotable with yourself or able to sustain them.
Honestly, it isn't about the OW. I know it is hard to see that when you are in the midst of all this, but truly it is not about her. It is about your M and the dynamics within it. It's about what brought it to the place where your H was willing to include this 3rd person in the R - not about the 3rd person themselves. If it hadn't been that OW it would have been another. Something made your H feel it was ok for him to turn to another person - that 'something' is what needs addressing. It took time to get to that point and so it will most likely take a similar amount of time to get things back on track.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
had horrible sleep. the first thing I thought of was how "in love" he is. I am doing the "stop-sign" technique.
I don't know why this hurts so much, this has been going on since feb. when does it fade? I guess because my hope were a little up this week, but I should of known that he manipulated me to thinking we could try again so I would sign the refi. I"m an idiot.
thank you saffe. I'm trying to remember it isn't about her. I was actually good at this before yesterday. He said he loves her like 3 times. I don't see how db can save this if he loves her.
I am going back to school in aug. (GAL) and I need to make myself a better person for me and my daughter. It kills me that when h has d5 on weekends this chick might be around. I hope he uses common sense.
Right now I feel like i'm up against the impossible.
I know it's hard to believe but truly it isn't about her - it's about you. OW may have the advantage of scrambling your H's thought processes with all those 'new' attraction chemicals but YOU have the trump card of your M and your D
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
saffie: how is my M and D5 the trump card if he in "in love with her" as he told me yesterday about 6 times. You know, not even in an angry way, in a very "matter of fact" way. I just don't see how this thing can be saved if he is truly in love -- like she's "the one".
I could deal with the fact that there was an ow (sort of), but to actually hear those words killed me.
another hard day. I DID spend a lot of time with friends and that helped. I'm trying to get h's words about his "love" for ow out of my head.
I am "dropping the rope" as db coach told me. Enough. I will GAL, 180, but for Me and d5. if he chooses to see the changes and come back, I"ll consider it. At this point his level of lying borders on pathological. I don't know who he is anymore. I feel like I'm dealing with an alchoholic. my mom was an alcoholic while i was growing up so I know what it feels like. the ups and downs, the measuring their moods. I've had enough.
I'm going back to school in august and now have to create a life to be proud of. if h sees these things and sees my changes, fine, but at that point, I can honestly say I don't know how I will feel about HIM and that is the truth.
i'm in therapy and I can now string together that he has a history of lying (not affairs) and he has never been there for me emotionally AT ALL.
He even admitted yesterday that when I went through my anxiety/depression period last fall he couldn't deal. To me, htat speak volumes of his character.
I am still devistated, to be sure. I still feel horrible about him telling me how much he loves ow. And I DO realize it's not about her. It still makes it hard.
H is either going to like the "new me" and the changes or he's not. I have to believe that by working on ME that I will be in a better, much better place in the end. Truth be told, last fall when he was so unavailable to me when I went through the anxiety issues, I totally forgot that I called a divorce lawyer to weigh my options -- my mom reminded me of this!! So obviously I wasn't happy.
it just hurts to be the one that's "left". Esp. when someone else is in the picture. Like I've been "replaced". He acts like this is "fine" and he feels totally justified. I made him miserable, so he has the "right" to have an affair.
I believe that in many cases the chemical fog starts to dissolve as the A relationship goes on. The WAS sees the long term practicalities rear their ugly head and starts to slowly realise things won't work when they try to put it all together. Then if the M issues that caused the A can be seen to have resolved themselves, actually returning to the M becomes the easier option.
I find in my work with horses, it is best to try and find ways to make what YOU want appear to be the easiest route for the animal. It's not always easy working out how to make that happen, but once you do it normally works. Does that make sense?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
and to add to above -- I think him acting like he's justified and that he's "so happy" makes me the most furious and hurt. Like our histroy means nothing. LIke he's re-writing our history -- much has been great. And he walks around here like a pompous ass and that just makes me want to choke him. So disrespectful. I asked him last week if he feels guilty and he said "no". Who is this person??
saffie: you've been a great help to me today, just wanted you to know that.
Again, I'm dropping the rope. I can't stand the lying and the pain anymore. LIke you, Saffie, I also went through a depression period last fall (and 2 years ago) and I know that is probably the main reason that led h to the affair, but i know it's no excuse that he went outside the marriage.
He was never there for me emotionally during my depression at all.I was very unhapy with him, truth be told. I don't want our old M back, no way. Hopefully as I grow as a person and GAL, he will be attracted to that and show interest and lose interest in ow, but if he doesn't, I am realizing I can't control that. I can't control him. And the more I try (I've done it all), begging, pleading, bargaining , threatening, it just pushes him away further. Because I make it all about HIM. I focus all my efforts of HIM and what he will do or won't do, say or won't say. again, it's like dealing with an addict (I've been down that road with my mother).
It's crazy-making at it's best. Detach -- if you have ever been to al-anon (very db, by the way), it is all about detaching. You can't deny someone the dignity of their own bottom and I have to drop the rope and allow things to unfold for him as they will.
I DO think there a chemicals that come into play with an affair and he's def. in that stage. can I change that; get into his brain and wipe out those chemicals? no. all i can do is focus on myself and make myself the person I've always wanted to be.
When I think along these lines I have hope. When I focus on h, I go downhill. As my mother's doctor told her the other day when she told him about my sitch (she was crying in his office), "tell your daughter she isn't grieving about HIM, but the THOUGHT of who she though he was." So true.
i thought he was "solid family man". Comes from that kind of background. yes, I was unhappy that he wasn't able to really be there for me emotionally, ever, but I downplayed that need in myself because he was very, "johnny on the spot". Came home like clock-work, always paid the bills, took care of things. Very dependable. But I can see that in exchange for all that I missed out on some very basic needs.
He's not affectionate at all (was in first few months of relationship), not able to handle anyting emotional, keeps his emotions to himself, has OCD issues, could only be affectionate during sex.
And I know see a pattern throughout the m of lying. not about affairs, but about many other things. wuold lie at the drop of a hat just to keep me quiet. (he even admitted this).
He's a good father and I thought that meant he was a good husband. Not the same thing I am finding. IF he breaks things of with OW, which now he is saying he is "so in love" and wants to come home, I have some serious thinking to do. When this all first came down (initial bomb end of feb), I would have done ANYTHING to keep M together. I don't feel like that now.
Therapy is really helping me. Somewhere along the line I gave up my needs for the sake of security (he works at the university level in New York) and I thought he was the great father and dependable guy. But I short-changed myself by putting my own needs on a shelf.
By the way, I have TOTALLY looked at my side of the street. I could have handled my depression better -- gotten proper help faster. I could have helped more around the house. I could have eased some of the financial burden. I was very focused on my own depression and problems that I withdrew and let myself go and began to not participate in family events (very important to him) and didn't follow through on a lot of things. I was snappy to him A LOT. I was controlling. I can see all of that now and it sucks that i can't turn back the clock and change that, but there it is.
It's still no excuse for an affair, plain and simple. I tried to talk to him about things (last fall, for example), tried to get him to therapy so a therapist could explain anxiety/depression to him, all to no avail. He can't handle anything emotional.
So now I am left with the big question. Is this someone I want in my life? He will always be in my life because of our daughter, but he is emotionally shut down and has always been this way.
It's so funny. One night before he left a month ago, I accidentaly overheard him on phone with OW. He was so "understanding" and really "listening" to her and giving her wonderful advise, like that is who he is! He was like that with me in the beginning of our romance too! that's one of the reason s I fell in love with him!!! I remember after being with him for about 4 months when I first saw the sigsn of the "real him". It was really shocking and a big red flag that I chose to ignore.
Well, let OW find this out on her own. According to h's mom, he's been this way (emotionally closed) his WHOLE LIFE, even as a kid. OW is in for a rude awakening. He's not the "Alan Alda" type she thinks he is and it will be interesting to watch it unfold.
