You realy want to know ??? I have had a very bad week . But Sh*t happens. Long story cut real short. W is supposed to be out earlyer in the week . tells S17 that he cant come over as she will be out. I wanted to drop something over and as she was out I thought I would leave it at her door and head home. I see her car there a strange car there and a light on in the house. This is where it goes pear shaped. I text her " are you still out and about or home ? " she text back "out" I should have driven home . But there was this overwhelming need to go knock on her door .. THE REST IS HISTORY . Needless to say the lines of communication are non existant at present.
OH well , at least I know . She knows I know and there is no need for lies .
I dont know where I am at , the jury is still out . taking my time .
I'm so sorry...Even though you figured as much, boy does it suck to get it confirmed in such a concrete, in your face way...and it feels like watching a train wreck, and you know you should turn away, but you just can't... been there waaaay too many times over the last million years.
Hang in there...sounds like you've given yourself some time to process things...
And you are right...it's now way out in the open. No way to ignore or look the other way and act 'as if' it's still unknown...(like I still do since technically i really only know what I know because 1) I'm pretty observant and 2)i snooped!)
Maybe this becomes the time to set some more explicit boundaries. Maybe this becomes a real opportunity for you to show your strength in a very deliberate way...
Yep, it's like L say's, you know you should turn away. Sometimes you know it & still don't turn.
Of course it'll be no surprise that I did the same thing!
Where to go from here.....taking your time is the first step & wise. Thing's will change on their own now w/out you doing a thing, (I'm kicking myself for not taking the very same advice from CVA, et al......I thought I was a stronger person).
But of course, what the h*ll did I do tonight, after that wise advice I gave you earlier??? Got caught in a snooping activity, and put another nail in my coffin...
So good to hear from what I now consider old friends ( isnt that scary ).
Sunny we have this weird parellel universe thing going on
Well I picked myself up and can give you all a little more detail of how things went.
First :
When I spoke with W at her house on Monday , I quietly just said " why did you lie? and at least now I can move on ".
That was all and I went home . Later that night the text messages started. I got 2 , "just a friend " " here for coffee" " cant believe you checking up on me" etc etc. Normaly I would have responded , but I just turned my phone off and phoned a friend to talk too on the land line to keep my mind off W and also so she could not phone.
This going silent is a big 180 , I have never done that to W before. I actualy had no desire to respond or talk to W at all so it was an easy 180.
In the morning there were 5 messages on my phone , all along similar lines and quite angry ( best defence being an offence )
During the day I responded as to why I was at her house and that she can see who she wants , I just wish she would be honest.
I got another message with more of the same " hes happily married , old friend etc etc" I ignored it.
Communication ceases
The next night she picks up D , rather than come in as usual she toots from driveway for D to come out.
Same for next couple of days , avoids me. I decide I need to lift my spirits and went and got some new clothes and one or two things for the house. Went out to friends small party last night and feeling good.
Then today.
I wanted to know if D would be home later and also invited W for dinner as its our one night we all get together. This realy more for Kids. So I txt and ask and get no reply.
So I txt again and said " Can you at least let me know if D will be here tonight"
I got a reply " dont get angry , yes D will be home , I not sure if there for dinner" " I txt her saying "thanks , I am off to Pub will be back home about 5.30" Later I get a txt " will take up your offer for dinner if that OK ?" I showered ,got dressed in my new clothes then went out . W was home with D & S when I arrived with takeaways. W had lit fire and fed animals as well. She was quite subdued but pleasant and looking like a lost puppy to be honest. I had on my best PMA , joked with the kids and we all sat and watched a movie together. W left after that coming over and giving me a firm Kiss , and thanked me for dinner.
My conclusion from all this.
W is not 100% gone , in fact some way from that. She has been having a bit of an adventure and enjoying it but is not wanting me to move on. Now the other night she got caught out. I 180 and respond quite differently to what she expected. She panics and rightly thinks that she may have just blown it.
Right now I am taking my time . I am re assessing what my Goals are , I am a little over W and her antics right now .
Right now I am taking my time . I am re assessing what my Goals are , I am a little over W and her antics right now.
Dave, this is exactly what you must do. It's funny though, no matter how much space and time you give them, it just is never enough. On the other hand, when you chart a clear course and begin to move, they PANIC! Surely a lesson here for us all!
I'm a little jealous at the fire BTW, we just started our hot, humid weather here in FL (~33C today).
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Whoa, what a H_ll of a week for you. These dynamics of closeness / distance are mind-boggling in the MLC world. Good for you for handling things calmly, even though I'm sure you were experiencing much gut-wrenching stuff. Sounds like she has shifted from defensive/angry to more mellow and subdued. You have done a great job taking care of yourself during what must be a super difficult time. Do you think there is a possibility that this was not an affair, that it really was innocent?
In any case, you sure have been doing well to go slow, reflect on what you need, and make decisions only as you are clear for yourself.
My week has been brutal too. W. ended it all on Tues. I'm a wreck, but the board does help a little. Here's wishing you a somewhat easier weekend.
SD . I have to live my life and do it without fear of how it will affect W . Let the chips fall where they may.
Purr
Quote:
Do you think there is a possibility that this was not an affair, that it really was innocent?
In this instance yes quite probable, I do think this was not the Man she was having A with. My main issue was with her being secretive, not telling the truth. Any hope of a new R or M is going to depend on building trust and being deceptive is not a good step in this direction.
And W was back again on Sunday for afternoon , stayed for Dinner I did not invite her but she was still here so I fed her along with the Kids. We didnt talk realy other than small talk. I went out for a while and left her with D. I dont like guessing what is going on in her head but first thing she did when she arrived was to make me coffee.
What have I learned , doing nothing is a very good strategy . React and its easy for things to get out of shape.
The "doing nothing" strategy is interesting. A lot like my bro told me when dealing with his separation. Just laying low, he called it "playing a bit dumb", meaning not to assume too much, not to go digging, sometimes "not to notice" certain things. I guess it lets W. have more sense of control and takes pressure off of both people?
I see what you are saying about the deceptiveness and trust part, regardless of who was over with her. Rebuilding that trust is really important, but a slow process, and I guess she's the one who needs to rebuild trust. She really did seem to want to be clear that it wasn't "what you thought" and often comes forward with more warmth/caring/contact after something like this.
