Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Hi there MMF! I was thinking about you just this morning wondering if you were ok. I hoped your time away from the board was only because of work and nothing more serious. I'm glad to have you back as I'm sure everyone else here is.

I hear what you are saying about the group. I was just talking to my cousin today as a matter of fact. Another woman from our church said that when she and her H went to their small group the first time, they thought there was no way they could ever fit into "this mish mash of people". She said that after the first few weeks with them they decided that they could never see themselves with any other group! I'm going to hope for the same and talk to our small group coordinator after worship tomorrow.

Our church did a community outreach program today and I really feel we were able to bring blessings to a lot of people who may never have come into contact with a church family before. We subsidized gas at two stations in town which reduced the gas cost by 25cents per gallon for two hours. During that time we washed windows of people's cars as they pulled up for gas and handed out "riot" cards to them with our church information and website on them. The "riot" cards are because our church mission over the next 3 years is to "spread a riot of love and good deeds throughout our community in order to spread the word of God and bring believers into the family of Christ". The cars were lined up down the highway, the sheriff's department had to bring in an extra officer to direct traffic. The church had already hired an officer to work the detail for the two hours we were there but he needed more help. It was a really wonderful time for all and the weather couldn't have been better.

H took S13 to the Renaissance Fair today. Over the last 7 years I have asked every year to go to the fair and H never wanted to go. Now, all of a sudden, he wants to go. What the heck? I'm thinking he just didn't want to go with me. I'm becoming more and more certain that H never loved me at all and I was nothing but an annoyance to him. I'm not even sure that human love is real at all. More a matter of friendship mixed with lust that we have decided is love. The lust dies, the friendship gets dull and people decide they don't "love" anymore. I know, sounds cynical, but I'm just thinking "outloud" here.

I'm not sure how it is that the pain seems to be getting worse over the last couple of weeks instead of better. What is with that? Is it because I'm coming to the realization that I'll never have a companion again? That I'm in this for the rest of my life alone? Realization that I won't have a helpmate to shoulder some of the responsibilities ever again? It's a horrible feeling and I really don't want it anymore but I can't get out from under it either. No amount of prayer is helping. I would go out for a walk to try to clear my head if it weren't so late. It was storming earlier when I had the chance to go walk so I cleaned some of my garage. I only got through one small corner and filled one 30 gallon trash bag already. NASTY!

Well, rambling on and on is not clearing my head either. I'll drift away for a while but I'm sure I'll be back later since I don't ever sleep anyway.


Well, as you can see, this is where I spend my Saturday nights. Sitting here with my computer on my lap, my mother sitting on the other side of the living room watching the game show network (somebody shoot me please!) my son playing a computer game even though I offered to take him to a movie tonight (he's too tired from the fair today), and not one friend to talk to except you lovely people.