Anyone like me?

[Frank V]

Mark- I truly appreciate your post. I see that you do not post a lot so it means even more the time you took to respond back to me.

I like to think a bit on what's being said, if I post too much I don't have a chance to absorb your situation and come up with some useful points.

I'm realizing more how the OM should have known better...He even said at one time that he made sure to not get in a relationship until his divorce was final....why would he do this with me before mine was final? You are right. That doesn't make sense. He would say he trusted me, but he should have known better.

This is excellent stuff, you see, it is there. I don't know your situation nearly as well as you do. You can come up with dozens of key points like this...it will help you put him behind you. You have to remove the fantasy of him and look critically at him as a person.

I can't do this nearly as well as you can since I don't have all the details. Keep pushing yourself in this direction, keep digging for things that he said or did that reveal the choices he made to contribute to your husband's pain and yours.

YOu wish you could take it back, well, he took it and was concious of that decision...keep reminding yoruself of that. He brought you pain and your husband pain...and you and your husband have to clean up the damage that was done, not him.

Keep looking for the signs he could have walked a different path, I am sure there are many more. When people are having an affair their mind is in a fog and they can't see these things...dig for them, you will find them I promise you.

EACH ONE YOU FIND..POST IT HERE ok? Build a list of choices he made that contributed to the affair and the work you and your husband now have to do to clean things up.

Focusing on my husband's pain...I have never cried so much as when I told him everything...I wish I could take it all back.

You can take it back, the work you and your husband do will heal that damage and you will be a stronger couple. Just realise your husband is working to heal damage to your marriage that the OM in large part created. Look at who is working and who made the mess...keep that in mind when thoughts of the OM come into your mind.

They were tears of sadness for him not for the OM. I love him even more now than ever because of the courage he has to face this with me, torture and all.

Just keep telling him how much you love him, and SHOW it in whatever way he is willing to accept.

I'm going to suggest the MC. It seems the best route. I see what you mean about the imagination running wild. I'm sure it is for him. I need to diffuse that. I will.

Just keep telling him all the things that never happened with the OM. Tell your husband how dissappointed you were with the OM and the affair and that you dind't spend much time together. Don't lie, but focus on things that will make him feel like something unique and special wasn't violated completely. Your husband feels replaced and unwanted, he needs to know what your husband and you had was not violated completely and that the two of you still have something special.

Thank you for this: "I don't want to sweep what happened under the rug, I lied to you and I am very sorry, but I am trying to erase his memory from my mind and heart, please help me do that by NOT pressing him into my mind often. I know you need to konw what happened, but I need to erease all memory of it so I can enjoy a life with YOU...please try to work on letting him go, so I can as well. I love you."

I have already used it and he totally understood.

Keep posting here, it looks like it is helping you too. I am interested in hearing more about the OM's choices actually...when he comes to mind, focus on digging up some more choices the OM made that leave some concerns in your mind. Look on the OM as the one who doesn't belong in your life, and your husband will look much more attractive to you.

Affairs are largely living fantasies...dispell that fantasy with as much reality as you can and the OM will fade away.

Thank you for responding about the gifts as well. You are right and I didnt' think of it that way.

If either of you feels awkward or sensitive when one of you tries to guess or surprise each other, STOP immediately and offer tangible reassurance and tell your spouse exaclty what was on your mind.

If you lead in with "I have a surprise for you.." and his face looks at all distresed, tell him exactly what it is right away and don't try that again for a while.

Everything you said made so much sense. Thank you very much for opening eyes a bit to some new thoughts. THis forum is amazing.

A lot of this material is in the books, we just apply it for your situation for you. I hope some of this helps. Keep focus on the hard work your huband is doing, keep letting him knmow he's attractive and how much you love him. Keep letting him know where you are and how you feel about him as much as you can.

Again I stronly reccomend reading "not just friends" by Shirley Paige