Finding DB late in the game #4

[cw68]

OK. Total DB backslide, but I needed to do it for me. We met at S5's tball game today. I brought up our R, how angry I've become at him for not being able to face us but being able to make the kids face it. I told him I needed him to go to Retro. He asked if it was at a Catholic church and I told him it was and shared what I knew about the program. Then I asked him if he was willing to do MC. He said, "Maybe sometime." I told him that wasn't enough. I mentioned that maybe it was time to get a two-bedroom apartment, that I had to move on. That I still believed marriage is forever and mentioned the things we, collectively, didn't do that I think if we decide to do would make a much better marriage. Told him that I thought the kids deserved it, that we were worth it and that I still believed in him. Lastly I told him that I think he even if it's against his will, he should make the effort, that I have been going against my will since January and it's turned to be a good thing. Maybe if he goes against his will it could be a good thing, but at the very least we'll be right where we are. I told him that the kids are having to go outside of their comfort zone every single day and perhaps he owes it to them to that himself. We did talk about how the "we" of us has definitely gotten better, that we are at the best point we've been in in a long while.

Then he asked me if I wanted to go swimming with him and the kids, but I had limited time since I had made plans for later today. I hate that it made me look like the bad guy that my kids asked to spend time with me and I said "no." I said goodbye to the kids, who had already climbed into their carseats, so I didn't get a hug or kiss goodbye. I started crying and pulled out of the parking lot. H's car was behind me. Unfortunately, my gate wasn't shut and I had to pull over to shut it. I waved him past, but he wouldn't go around me. I slammed it shut, made a quick turn and totally broke down.

The I gathered myself and made a call. I told him not to tell the kids it was me on the phone. I told him that I wasn't ever going to bring up our R again. That I just assumed it was over, that he had made his decisison. Told him that if he doesn't go to Retro with me then it's over, that I was giving him a chance to walk away without even having to tell me. If he ever changed his mind, then he could tell me, but otherwise I'm moving on. That this happy family that we play is just too difficult for me. That it just hurts too much to have our S cry every day and still it doesn't make him want to actually do anything to improve us. So I told him next weekend when I have the kids, that we won't be around, that he can come for dinner on Sunday, but I might take them out of town or something, that I'm just fed up and need to move on.

Maybe I killed what was left of our R today. I don't know. I know that H put the bullets in it earlier.

I'm upset, but like I told him, I'm fine either way. IMO, he's the one who's going to have to live with himself and his choices. I didn't choose this, but I can choose to save what's left of my sanity.