Wandering Poster - Fifteen!

[Virtually_Handsome]

Unfortunately, I think one of your mistakes is hoping for signs of appreciation from your W on this stuff.

This is a very good point. But at some point, there would have to be some kind of positive feedback. Someday.

Perhaps you can try actually asking for comments. E.g. do you like how the walkway looks (that you weeded)? After all, one technique is to ask for what you want!

I think your C should also have some good ideas.

Both good ideas.

Thanks, (((((Michelle)))))

[Firekeeper]

" The computer, well, I do spend some time there,"

you had 70 messages posted on 5/8/08

i noticed it because it is something i watch for in myself. it is hard for me to be honest about my computer use and how it affects my other life, i had to be supervigilant with myself

[Firekeeper]

Jeff, it seems that you are really on a roll with self discoveries and changes

have you read - "the seven principles for making marriage work" by john gottman. he is one of very few marriage and family therapists who has at least some scientific backing in his advices based on his rigorous research.

if you choose to read it you will come to deeper understanding of your r dynamics and better grasp of what to do - a very practical , hands on book.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Jeff.. wow, well sounds like you do do alot around the house. Its interesting what you say about your Ws needs seem to be a moving target, I read that and thought.. shes never happy. I bet you could be vacuuming, whilst polishing the floor with cloths under each shoe and dusting with your spare arm and she still wouldnt be happy.

I'm wondering if whatever you do would make no difference as surely, it isnt just chores and tidiness that make her soul sing? Maybe she just IS unhappy. Its easy to put the blame on little things and its classic in woman (I said this before) to focus on the house and tidiness and cleanliness and try and control that environment, but its just a mask for whats really causing the unhappiness.

Again, I say.. why dont you just ask her? Whats the worst that could happen? Shes already said she wants to move out and she hasnt slept with you for 3 1/2 years! Do you think she feels you dont care because you circle each other without any real communication? Or did you already try asking her on threads 1-6 and she wouldnt answer, and I just missed it!? Sorry if I did.

I agree with the others, the combination of getting your health checked, doing yoga, going to C and getting on the ADs as well as giving up an addiction to coke is fantastic. You are doing more than she is to address the situation.

Ali xxx

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Ali))))))
I think you have hit it. For some time, I have thought that she doesn't WANT to be happy. I think, and now I'm getting way out there, that it has to do with her control issues. Happy seems to me to be a little bit of an uncontrolled emotion. When you are happy, you might not really be in control of yourself. I think the same thing could be why she doesn't like sex. She hates the idea of not being in total control of herself.

You are right Ali, I do need to ask her. And you are right, I am doing more to address the situation than she is. She is very self absorbed right now.

[Kalni]

Way to Go Ali!!! (where is FG to comment on your pen/pencil again?)

Jeff, listen to Ali!

K

[One Day]

Hey Jeff! Just stopping by to say hello. Good day, my friend!

L.xx

[Firekeeper]

so i sounded too critical and there are no hugs for me anymore

i tried to do it with as many i-statements as a could, well... i tried

Jeff, i think we all have control issues when we feel not safe with people we do not trust.

thank you for explanation about the boxes. i kinda read it literally and wondered if you still have them in reality

what usually happens when she starts to remember old stuff like that and you would say sorry that it happened and that it still pains her?

[Virtually_Handsome]

Oooops!
((((((((Firekeeper)))))))

Her control issues are pretty universal. It isn't enough for something to be done, it has to be done her way.

One of her favorite phrases...."sorry isn't good enough".

[Firekeeper]

:)thanks

how did she answered when you asked her - what would be good enough?