Cake eating or progress?

[Bworl]

It's a balancing act. I perhaps am not as "by the book" in my thoughts about these matters as others are.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting you do one of those bare your soul, tell him how very much you love him and hate living without him deals. When I say speak the truth, I mean tell him just why you said what you said.

You tell him that you saw him on match. You tell him you went to match because it's going to take awhile for you to trust again, so in your suspicion, you checked it out. You tell him that you loved your trip together, that you truly enjoyed being close again. And you honestly tell him that when he begins to back away, you struggle with thinking that he's wanting someone else.

Then you tell him that you honestly know that these feelings will get better with time.

How's that sound?

And by the way, honesty works in other areas too.

If he cops an attitude with you, speak your mind there. Just don't go into "destroy everything" mode.

If he gets pissy, tell him he's acting pissy. Tell him even that you understand why he's being pissy. But it's also ok to tell him that him being pissy makes you feel pissy because quite frankly he hasn't built up enough good will yet for him to deserve being pissy with you in your mind.

Hey, this is just me.

I think about how much I tip toed around my ex. And what did it get me? Divorced and now basically a single parent.

Being nice is not the key.
Being a bitch is not the key.

There is no damned key.

That's why I say the best we can do for ourselves is to be WHO WE ARE, try to be patient and understanding, but refuse to be [censored] upon by the people who have already done enough shitting on us.


Hope all of this makes some sense.


Blessings,

Bill

[Dom R]

Argh.
I am in extreme, beat-myself-up mode.

you shoudnt be.

you made some very reasonable assumptions.
He should be more apologetic. Even someone "Just dating you", should be more understanding. They should not be playing the victim.

As far as hiding feelings go.. i think the guideline is to hide them, when they wont do any good.

in contrast, I think you are in a situation, and with a person, where showing them, would actually do you good. But hey... find that male professional C for the best opinion on that, i think.

[Trixi]

You tell him that you saw him on match. You tell him you went to match because it's going to take awhile for you to trust again, so in your suspicion, you checked it out. You tell him that you loved your trip together, that you truly enjoyed being close again. And you honestly tell him that when he begins to back away, you struggle with thinking that he's wanting someone else.

Then you tell him that you honestly know that these feelings will get better with time.

That sounds pretty good.

Right now, based on the vibes from him last night, I feel like we have just stepped back 6 months. NOT a good thing. If I burden him with my emotional needs right now, I think that could be the kiss of death.

I guess I will see how tonight goes at dinner and Cirque.

[Dom R]

That is a nice way to put things... except for the fact that it puts ZERO responsability on him.
It makes it sound like, "these feelings will get better with time, when Trixi gets over herself".

Umm.. how about something in there about, "these feelings will get better with time, so long as H treats you consistently, with consideration, care, and not pulling crap like going on dating sites" ?

[Bworl]

Is this the same Dom R who wrote these words to Amy C not more than two weeks ago?

I understand that. I understand that you had a lousy marriage before your MLC. The lack of support from your H, most likely made your MLC be a deep nasty one, instead of what might have been a less troubling one.

Look, it's good for Trixi to get both sides of the coin here so to speak, but your approach is something akin to Shermans march through Georgia. It's a "burn it all down, let God build it back up" approach.

Trixi can go either way. But the bottom line is that she does not have any definitive proof that he has been with another person. For that matter, she has no proof that he's even been looking for another woman.

Checking out your existing profile on a dating site is something that I can easily see an MLC, separated from his wife, man doing. Doesn't make it right. But it also doesn't make it a breach of whatever they have going right now.

Don't get me wrong. If he's trolling again, I tell him to kiss off in a heartbeat. I see absolutely nothing to be gained by allowing a mentally impaired spouse bring even more aggravation into your life.

I just think your advice right now serves no good purpose. The only thing it gains is that temporary satisfaction we all feel when we've spouted off about something that pisses us off. And in this case, we don't even know if there's anything real to be spouting off about.


My opinion.


Bill

[Trixi]

Umm.. how about something in there about, "these feelings will get better with time, so long as H treats you consistently, with consideration, care, and not pulling crap like going on dating sites" ?

Point well taken.
I just remembered something else. (I hate that!)
Last night he said:
"It isn't just about sex, L." Two things about that statement- First, he never calls me by my first name unless he is mad or distant. Second, no duh! I asked what he meant and he just repeated it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to follow thru. But just now I had a (terrible) thought. What if that was his way of giving me a hint that he is talking with someone? Or that he is looking (still) for 'something' more. Or, if I look on the sunny side of the street, maybe he was just saying we need to talk more. ..I dunno.

Bad omen?

[Trixi]

I just think your advice right now serves no good purpose. The only thing it gains is that temporary satisfaction we all feel when we've spouted off about something that pisses us off. And in this case, we don't even know if there's anything real to be spouting off about.

That's true, too.

(And I want to again say that I really appreciate getting different perspectives/thoughts/idea. It gives me a lot to think about since I know that sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees.)

I am so sorry for all of a sudden needing so much help here. I *was* doing fairly well, (even really good) until he did this about-face act directly after such a great time. I feel like I got sucker punched.

Maybe, (I hope and pray to God) I am just over-reacting to his pulling back and it doesn't mean a catastrophe. Maybe he just needs to get back in the groove of things.

[Dom R]

Bworl,

I dont see what the connection is, between "you should 'support' someone going through MLC", and "you should be completely okay with them dating other people, and 'support' them doing that."
Those seem like two very different things to me.

she has no proof that he's even been looking for another woman.

Errr.. dunno if you've ever looked at at the online dating sites, so dont know if you understand what's going on here.
"making your profile active", IS, LITERALLY, "looking for another woman". Or to be more specific, advertising to other women, "Hi, I want to date other women now".

And before, it was specifically "Not active".
That's not the same as "hasnt checked it for a while. they are two different actions on his part.

He made a concious decision in the very recent past, "I'm going to make this 'active', so that women who are looking for dates, will see me in their search and can ask me out on a date".

It's one thing if he said, "ok, we're dating... but I'm also going to see other people". Trixi might not LIKE that, but it's his choice, and he would have been honest at least.
However, this is different. This is him saying one thing ("we're 'exclusively dating'") and then doing another (actively looking to pick up someone else to date)

[Dom R]

I just remembered something else. (I hate that!)
Last night he said:
"It isn't just about sex, L."

Yeah... that's why he "didnt have sex" with those two bimbos.

not one, but two.

he was really looking for a deep relationship there. 'cause it's allll about the relationship. with a girl half his age. obviously.



Ok the reason he's being a XXXXhead isnt just because he's looking for sex, I think that is actually true.
at the same time.. he IS going out for sex.
Maybe he's looking to "experiment" with someone more his age this time

(does his profile show a change in age range that he is looking for, i wonder?)

[Trixi]

And before, it was specifically "Not active".
That's not the same as "hasnt checked it for a while. they are two different actions on his part.

He made a concious decision in the very recent past, "I'm going to make this 'active', so that women who are looking for dates, will see me in their search and can ask me out on a date".

To be totally honest, I can't say FOR SURE it wasn't active. I can say I did a search and didn't see his profile. I didn't look up his user name, I just did a search. So, there is a chance that it's always been active, but I just missed it in the search. (10-32 pages to check thru.)

(does his profile show a change in age range that he is looking for, i wonder?)

As I recall, (when I first found the profile) he had put 25-40. Yeah, he's 44. His son is almost 21, DD 20. *sigh*

I got clarification on the whole "It's not all about sex" thing. He said it was because I was "so horny". (Whatever.) and that we need to relate more on other levels. *I TOTALLY AGREE!* And I said as much. I said that I agree but in order to do that, we actually have to spend some time together doing things. (Yeah, I'm not going to bother to mention the 12 days in costa rica, or the 4 wheeling, or cirque..he is in a bad frame of mind.)

Speaking of Cirque.. ugh. We go to dinner and meet my BFF and her new boyfriend. Dinner, etc was great. Then we have to decide if we are going to drive the mile and wait 30 minutes to pay $15 for parking, or walk. We decide to walk. It should only take 20 minutes to walk there. BFF an her boyfriend are all lovey dovey and my H is being semi-distant. Then, H says we should take a certain path....Turns out to be the wrong path. Very wrong. We walked for an hour. I got blisters on the bottom of my feet and top of a toe. BFF's back of her ankles were bleeding. I screwed up my hips and back (3" high boots). My H was totally cranky; but the other two peeps were taking it in stride. (As was I.) I finally told him to can it; he's feet aren't blistered or bleeding, so get a grip. We got to the show 30 minutes late. My BFF has seen them 3 times and said this showed paled in comparison. :| oh well.

Sex life between H and I has faultered. not sure what's going on in his head. 2 weeks ago he "couldn't get enough of me." Not that sex is everything-- but it is an indication of how he is feeling.

This morning I asked why he is being so crabby and he said he didn't know... Hard to get back to work... "Quit being so lovey dovey!" huh. nice. So, when he feels lovey dovey, then it's fine to express it. But otherwise, no.
Short Vent: Why is it that I am supposed to read his moods and then act accordingly?! Ticks me off that HE can be lovey dovey and I don't reject him- HE can be "needy" and I take him and hold him-- but if *my* lovey dovey or 'needy' feelings are out there at the wrong time, I basically get rejected or talked down to. "Stop being so needy. Don't be so lovey dovey." WTF? It's ALL about HIM! GRRRR! End Vent.

Watching BFF and her BF was tough. They openly say ILY. They giggle and smile. They constantly touch each other. Lots of thoughtfulness shown. Why, in fact, that was pretty much how my H and were in Costa Rica- made it extra sad for me.