Upside: You're right - my H sounds incredibly immature from my list. But pre-bomb, he was definitely much more responsible. He was much more active in S5's life - would show up at his activities, do family things on weekends, was more strict with discipline. He was financially responsible - paid all bills on time and in full. He had a decent relationship with his father, although not great. He went out, but came home at a reasonable time, went out with a small group of good friends (H's of my friends) and didn't go out nearly as much as he does now. He's the complete opposite now and although some things seem to have gotten better, some (like going out) continue to get worse.
Grace: Thanks for stopping by. I know exactly what you mean about patience and hope - it's gotten to a point where it's sometimes almost effortless. Today, that's not the case though...
I'm feeling like I've DBed my @ss off for nothing. My H hasn't given me mixed signals. Where we live, it's difficult to file for D unless you've been S several years, which is why he hasn't filed. I've been fooling myself. Yes, I know I can be proud that I've done all I can to save our M. I sure do feel stupid though for staying so attached to his family, who seem to be pushing me out lately. Could just be my imagination/insecurities at work, but it's a pretty strong feeling.
I want the old H back, or a new and improved H - not who he is today. He's not working on being a better man. He's not a better father. His family will never stop being dysfunctional. I need to wake up and see things for what they really are. Stop looking for signs. Stop reading into things that aren't there. Stop worrying about how it will be when H comes back.
I don't want to make any decisions right now, but I think I need to soon. I'm losing the desire to save my M. Sad...
