Finding DB late in the game #4

[cw68]

I took them off because I am seriously questioning how much I personally want this to work. I will continue to work on our reltionship and ultimately hope it works out. I made my vows for better and worse and believe that my children deserve together parents. BUT I am seeing my H in a completely different light than I've ever seen him in before. During the dark pre-DB days, I told him that he's not the man I married, but I really see it completely different now. Before I meant that the man I married wouldn't leave his wife and kids. Yet now I see that the man I married wouldn't have had an EA, wouldn't have put his friends and kids before his wife, wouldn't have hung around with such snobby people, wouldn't hurt his kids because he couldn't deal with something. The "old" H was much better than that.

So I need to readjust my line of thinking and my personal beliefs in this marriage to the one I'm really in, the person I'm really married to.

Last night was the first step in a new beginning for me. I worked my kids' school carnival. Instead of the usual casual, comfy outfit I would have normally worn, I wore a casual, comfy, all-white sundress with matching shoes. Just as functional, but it looked striking and stylish. I got a ton of compliments, including one from H. I believe he noticed the rings gone. When the carnival was over, the "old" me would have stayed to help H clean up the kitchen from the ant infestation we have going on, fed the kids, blah blah blah. But I just said I had to go. H asked me where "we" were going (I guess he assumed I was going out with girlfriends) and since I didn't really have anything planned, just said, "I don't care. Anywhere." And I left.

H gave me his new computer to play with this weekend, a new Mac Air Book (MY GOD, they are cool. No bigger than a notebook.) but the internet connection at the apartment isn't working. The darn thing doesn't have a DVD slot, so I ended up watching "Charlie Wilson's War" on the 7" car travel player in bed after getting yummy take out and a couple beers. I had a most lovely evening.

Called the kids this morning, D asked if I wanted to talk to Dad and I said, "No, let me talk to your brother." H just called as I was typing this and I hit "ignore." I will see them at S5's t-ball game at three. No contact until then.

I'm off. Probably won't be back on until tomorrow night because of internet problems. Have a good weekend and happy mother's day, too, to y'all!