Cake eating or progress?

[sgctxok]

Stop checking up on him. It keeps you insecure. Get your game on girlfriend. YOU are the prize!!! Don't convince him to do anything, you can make a suggestion, an invitation (once in awhile....so this means not for awhile now)....

Drink less, so you have more control over your feelings. I have to watch this too, because I love red wine, but I don't sip anything. But then my emotions become a little more fragile. So especially if feelings and behavior might be at risk, I'll drink something different or alternate drinks.

Not your job to feed him, that's not dating. He feeds you.

[Dom R]

He was NOT his friendly self. He was sort of distant. After an hour, he says he is going home. I was pouty and he said "I'm staying over tomorrow night."

He's been bad to you.. he's been caught... and you let HIM control everything?
under YOUR guesswork, he went on a date, 'cause he drove the mustang.
but you're the one feeling guilty?!!

Seems like this is, from his perspective:

"Oh-oh... i've been caught. How bad is this going to be? Can I still control the situation, so she doesnt come down on me? YES! ok, i'm just fine, no problem"

I'm no expert, but it's what I imagine a "Player" would do, to calm down one of his girlfriends.

"you're pissed at me baby? ok i'll stay the night with you tomorrow"

He DID drive the Mustang. I mentioned that, and he said "I bought her to drive her; it's nice out and I love driving her." I think the food thing convinces me that he wasn't out.

arrrggg....

It's falling apart (again) and I don't even really know why. I guess it's easiest for me to say that I pressured him too much by asking what the deal was when we returned home, sighing and now tonight. Simply brilliant. I could just kick myself.

you did NOT do wrong by asking him that, given your situation.
Things are going badly, because HE started looking for/going on a date with someone else.
Why he did THAT, is the root problem here.

Supposedly he will get rid of the match profile; but he is mad I was checking up on him. He is distant.

he is mad he was caught.

I think you have a choice here:

you can stand BACK.... and see how long he goes on a dating binge THIS time..... or you can stand UP... and say "this is it. Show me your match profile, and lets talk about how we should be treating each other. (even if we're "only" exclusively dating)

People have chosen either way for their own marriages before. I think either way has a potential to work for you, and either way has a potential for failure.
You might want to talk to "a professional" at this point if you can.

At some point, you have to have "a big R talk". The DB thing about "never having R talk" has to be taken with a grain of salt.
Now might be a time for that, for you.

Maybe you "catching" him, was enough to stop his sliding down that road. THIS time. But whether you choose the hardnosed approach, or a softer one... sounds like you still could benefit from a talk with him on where things are between you, and what you can expect from each other right now.

[Trixi]

We just had a R talk when we returned from Costa Rica. So, that would have been about a week and a half ago.

He said that he didn't know where we were headed; he was taking things day by day; he likes the improvements we're making; I (me) am in a lease until Dec (in other words, it lots of time to decide); there are parts of being single that he likes (like being able to just do what he wants, when he wants); he finished his comments with "I don't think this is the right time to discuss this. We need to get back to "real life" and see how things go."

So- now it's 10 days later. He is not adjusting to real life very well. He is irritated with my "impatience".

What do you mean by "a professional"? My counselor (who has spoken with both of us) has NO idea what he is doing. They were never able to figure out why he wanted to leave in the first place and she is quite perplexed with his continuing behavior.

I know what part of me problem is- as of last Sunday, we had decided we would to the following this week:
Go out Friday night, he would stay over
Go hiking SaturDAY
Go to Cirque SaturNight lol
He would stay over


On Tuesday, I IM'd him to let him know I would be near his work the following day. He says "Cool- lunch then?" We schedule in lunch between his meetings. So, now I have Wednesday to look forward to, too. I'm a happy girl. Then Wednesday morning, it all starts to unravel. He calls, someone booked another meeting during our time to meet so, sorry, he can't do lunch.(and my schedule only permitted meeting during that one hour.) Then he says "It's supposed to rain saturday and I have stuff I want to do around the house anyway, so no hike this weekend." Now we are 'down' to Friday night and Saturday night. And then last night he took most of Friday from me.

As of this morning, I don't know that a R talk is going to get me anywhere good. He is in a bad frame of mind; I am in a needy frame of mind; both our perspectives are skewed and I am concerned that we're becoming polarized when it's not necessary.

[Trixi]

OH, and I just remembered something else. He watched Lost on Thursday. I have been recording Lost and "saving' it for us to watch since the season began. And before that we always watched it together. When I said something like "What?? *we* watch that." He says "Well, I got back from [the going away dinner] and wanted to watch tv. Nothing else was on." and he had a very "get over it" aire about him.



Each of these things individually, no big deal. Stacked one right on top of the other; not so good.

[Bworl]

Trixi,

My first post didn't go over so well, so feel free to tell me to piss off if you'd rather not have my advice.

The way I see it, you have two courses of action you can take right now.

Both of these courses of action I am basing on the recent trip which went basically pretty well, and his proclamation that the two of you are "dating" exclusively.


Path 1

You take the Dom R hard ass approach. Basically you assume, through the circumstantial evidence you have gathered, that he is pulling away and once again pursuing others.

This eventually leads you to act odd around him, he notices it, he calls you on it, and you spill the beans on all your assumptions and conclusions.

Having no evidence, he will deny, get pissed with you for (a) checking up on him, and (b) not believing him when he said you were exclusive, and (c) falsely accusing him of bad things. He will then get pissed with you, tell you this is not working out, and TRULY put that match profile to work.


Path 2

Lacking any hard evidence that there is something bad going on, you will continue to believe that you had a great trip, reconnected a bit, and that the match profile is something he had for awhile and in boredom decided to look at again.

You continue to assume that you two are dating. You continue to work your way through the beginning stages of a courtship, since that's what this dating period is all about anyway.

You recognize that there will be times when he will pull back a bit - after all, he's not done cooking inside if you know what I mean.

You wait until confronted with clear, hard evidence of cheating before accusing him of such and breaking off the relationship.

Meanwhile, you take care of yourself, try to find the good in the relationship today compared to where it was when things were really bad, and continue strengthening yourself by maintaining your own social schedule and activities.



I guess it's pretty clear which one I suggest.

And hey, I could definitely be wrong and he could be playing you again. I guess I just wonder why he would even bother. Why wouldn't he just say, nah, not interested, and go find someone else?


I don't like the comment on the bus either. But it's simply more indication that he's still not right in the head. He's still out there in la la land.


But our job when they are in la la land is to focus on ourselves, try to keep interactions positive without debasing ourselves in the process, and move forward with OUR lives.


Just my humble opinion.


Blessings,


Bill

[Bworl]

All that being said, I also have to say this...


This guy just pisses me off.


I hate smug, arrogant, [censored] types who generally treat other people like [censored].


My earlier advice is offered based on the presumption that you still love this man and want to see your marriage repaired.


Otherwise, I'd be inclined to drop this schmuck like a bad habit.


Bill

[Dom R]

what i think will happen, is that doing nothing different, will give you the exact same results. Things will go right back to the way they were before. ie: BAD, and him looking to date other people again, and not tell you about it.
oh wait, he's already starting that :-/

Sometimes, you have to "strike while the iron is hot".

Although you may have now missed that opportunity already

Maybe you should find yourself some alternative plans for this weekend, and NOT allow him to stay over.
He's treating you badly. I dont think you should put up with that. He loses respect for you. And HE said that respect for you is important to him and is an important part of attraction for him.


oh: ps: as far as professionals go... maybe you need to find a different counsellor. your current one hasnt helped you much, it seems?
(maybe you need to find a male one, who can better understand your H!!)

[Trixi]

Bill, I appreciate you chiming in

Having no evidence, he will deny, get pissed with you for (a) checking up on him, and (b) not believing him when he said you were exclusive, and (c) falsely accusing him of bad things. He will then get pissed with you, tell you this is not working out, and TRULY put that match profile to work.

Um, yeah, I think I accomplished that last night.

Since I do still love him and want to eventually reconcile, I am not ready to pull the plug without hard evidence.

But our job when they are in la la land is to focus on ourselves, try to keep interactions positive without debasing ourselves in the process, and move forward with OUR lives.

Yeah; that's what I need to do.
I was so happy about his movement towards me, I started to take things for granted and make assumptions.

I just hope I can get things back onto Path 2. (Dom is probably cringing at this idea.)

I feel like there were little itty bitty seedlings starting to pop up and I thru a big piece of plastic over the top of them and now they are dying. I need to rip that plastic off and get some sunlight on those seedlings.

Any ideas on how to undo the damage done last night? (I am assuming he told me the truth and is now ticked off.)

oh: ps: as far as professionals go... maybe you need to find a different counsellor. your current one hasnt helped you much, it seems?
(maybe you need to find a male one, who can better understand your H!!)

Yes, it probably is time for that.

[Bworl]

Trixi,

The truth.

The truth is always right for a couple reasons.

One, you don't have to compromise who you are as a person or what you believe in. You tell him exactly why you felt the way you did, but you also tell him how strongly you feel that you never wanted to do anything to set the two of you back.

Also, the truth comes out naturally. They see us for who we are. It's not fake.


Tell him how you felt.

Tell him how you feel.

Tell him how you would like to feel.


Blessings,

Bill

[Trixi]

But when DBing, doesn't the truth have to take a backseat?

Not to say that we lie; but rather keep our feelings to ourselves.

I mean, look at all of us who come HERE to vent- because the truth? WAS can't handle the truth! We insulate our WAS from our own volatile thoughts and feelings while we watch them twist and spin and we wait. and wait.

I did explain that given the knowledge that he was recently active on match, and then him canceling, I was making some (logical) assumptions. Then he said "well, did you think I would come tonight?" and I said "yeah, I did." and he said "well, at least you believe that."

Argh.
I am in extreme, beat-myself-up mode.