Alison, oh dear Please don't confuse issues with your son with those with your H. Yes H should be supporting you in dealing with your wayward son but he isn't. Is the £15.00 worth this aggravation and stress to you? Your son is the problem here and requires some tough love! I have said before he plays you and he is now in his element cos he has you and H at each others throats so to speak. I believe you can put a password on your phone to "lock it", easier than changing the locks.If your H is not going to enforce discipline on your son then it's up to you to do it. I am sorry but thats a fact otherwise in a few years from now you are going to have one very disrespectful and out of control child. No more being nice to son because you feel guilty he left home. As for dating-hmmm I know you are just lashing out when you have calmed down you will have rethunk! I hope your week end gets better what you got planned?
Is the £15.00 worth this aggravation and stress to you?
Not quite sure where you got this figure from Naej. My excess bill was £105 and the cost to change locks is more than that.
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I believe you can put a password on your phone to "lock it",
Yes you can put a pin number on so that mobile calls can't be made. Unfortunately it also stops you making national calls and as my parents don't live locally that throws up another set of problems. We did this once before but b/c we had a digital phone at the time all the kids had to do was press last number dialled and they got the pin number! So it's not as fool proof as the telecommunications people would have you think.
You are right my S15 does require some tough love, how to deliver it without alienating him completely is my problem.
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As for dating
I'm not saying I want to date now, I am saying I want to get to a position where when I'm ready I can. Staying M to a man who clearly doens't want me whilst sticking to my own principles doesn't offer me that opportunity. As I don't intend to force the issue by joining dating agencies it may never happen but I at least want the ability to be open to. I don't want to be D but I've given this M my all, I've given H every opportunity to change his mind. He has not looked back once. He has not acknowledged my efforts once. He just keeps on inflicting pain by whatever method he can comjure up. Do I really need to put up with that? Aren't I worth more than that? I think I am.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
ACJ, I have followed your thread and just saw your post on Cinders. How can your H or my W not want to be with their children? I know that my W went through a childhood of no love. Did your husband have the affection kids need?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
As far as I can tell yes he did. He was v. close to his father before he died and is still somewhat tied to his mother's apron strings!
Without trying to sound like I am blaming someone else for my Hs behaviour my MIL has a big part to play. She has never been able to show her emotions and doesn't like it when others show thiers. When her H died we were all 'instructed' not to cry at the funeral, neither were we allowed to wear black. I know she disapproves of what H has done and also that she has told him ONCE of her disapproval BUT her actions show support. When I was in the depth of depression when he first left whenever I broke down in tears she left (including the day I found out about his A). She always has some other engagement that is more pressing than dealing with someone else's emotions. Even her own sisters say this.
So yes whilst I'm sure H did have that affection my opinion is that not only has he been brought up like most british males (keep a stiff upper lip and all that other BS) but he appears to have had a mother who reinforced that rather than providing the usual maternal side of encouraging openess and sharing. Her own mother was a very formidable character so maybe it stems from that. Who knows.
My H has recently gone from not wanting to spend time with our children to only wanting to spend it with those who appear to be supportive of his actions i.e. my son (and occassionally D18). What he repeatedly fails to recognise (despite several people pointing it out to him) is that they are only doing this to avoid the hurt of knowing that someone else is more important to their dad than they are. They are complying with his wishes for them to get to know his GF(or in S15s case live with) just so they get to spend some time with H.
IMO my Hs current attitude towards our children is that it is up to them to maintain a relationship with him and not the other way around. He is so smitten by his new love that nothing else matters. The 'honeymoon' phase should have worn off for them by now as they have been together almost as long as H and I have been separated but instead from the outside that bond appears to be getting stronger.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
IMO, he was starved for affection. His mother would not allow them to show emotion which can be severely limiting. My Ws mother would not allow affection to be demonstrated and crying was ridiculed.
I can relate to your Hs attitude about it is up to your children to maintain a R with him. My W has done the same, for the most part, with our children. Of course, that is the attitude of my MIL with my W and our kids. My W is emulating her mother to a great extent.
With the OW, you are seeing what he wants you to see. If he is controlling his emotions, he has probably walled up is inner person. He wont let anyone get close enough to know who that is. From first glance, it sounds as though your MIL has done some serious damage to him. I feel sorry for your MIL because odds are that her parents were the same way with her.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I feel sorry for your MIL because odds are that her parents were the same way with her.
Her parents D b/c I understand her father was an alcoholic. Interestingly her two elder sisters stayed with him and MIL and her younger sister stayed with their mum. they subsequently got a half brother from the new marriage. Two of her 3 sisters D their first Hs and two of the daughters of one of these sisters also did the same. BIL has also been M twice.
On the other side of Hs family his grandmother died of cancer (as did his father) and his grandfather remarried. When this lady also subsequently died he got another partner (fairly quickly). His only aunt on this side of the family has been M twice. His grandfather also suffered cancer but thankfully survived that despite being very elderly at the time.
His parents were M for 30 years before his father died. H was only 24 at the time and it hit him very badly. His personality changed over night. MIL remarried within 18 months which also hit him very hard.
Yes you do see a picture forming. Two in fact. A picture of D and a picture of cancer. Yes my H is damaged (probably beyond repair but I hope not) BUT unfortunately he has to recognise that for himself. The very sad thing is that up until Hs MLC took hold we had weathered all of these things together (obviously some occurred before we were born). I quite literally held him up when his father died and yet it is me who is now his cancer that has to be cut out.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I have a had a forced break from the site, no internet connection, but have kept an eye on your thread when I can from work.
I am sorry you are going through this, your son and my daughter what a pair. I have learnt so much about my wifes behaviour present and past, through her moods and attitude.
I will share later.
The money for petrol, for the driving session made me smile, the ends that the MLCer will go!
Daughter recently visited her mother and brother, went to the supermarket and daughter picked up a bar of chocolate, lip protector stick thingy, and something else, could not have been more than a pound 50. Wife said "shall we pay separately". Daughter was gob-smacked.
She could not even treat her daughter after not seeing her for 6 months!
oophs Alison, I MUST wear my specs when reading-lol I mis read s15 for £i5. sorry. A senior moment. I now see your distress. Of course I think you are worth so much more than how H is treating you, my point was re dating that I feel right now in your anguish it would be a knee jerk reaction and whilst it would make you feel so good it would make you feel much worse in the cold light of a calm day-I worry you are not ready-even tho you feel/think you are. Good point about the ph. I have never used it but it looked a good thing when I read about it-hmm don't they always. I know how hard you fought for your m Alison and know you never wanted a D. How are the financials shaping up, have you seen your solicitor? The sooner it is all tied up maybe H will start to resemble a human being again-that in its self will be a double edged sword I guess. Stay strong, hold tight, nothing last forever. Vent away and hard tho it is try and find some humour in H,s antics. Hope you managed to explain to son why you were cross. Hows his attendance at school been since he went to H's or don't you hear about it. How is d? I had German measles 1mth before my wedding and I was so ill, my GP was delighted said he hadn,t seen such a good rash before. I haven't any advice re how to keep a rel. going with a waw H and kids.Mine just don't have one, from my pov reading of all the problems it brings about I guess I was lucky. Chin up Petal its always darkest before the dawn.
my point was re dating that I feel right now in your anguish it would be a knee jerk reaction
Naej that's what I was trying to say. I know I am not ready for dating. I will not date until my D is final. My children need at least one parent to show them right from wrong.
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How are the financials shaping up, have you seen your solicitor?
All the papers are with my L. I haven't heard from her for a while. To be fair the last time I did see her I told her not to make me a priority. Of course H doesn't know that. Having said that I had thought I would've heard from her by now. I don't have time at the moment to be taking things any further. I'm on such a tight deadline for my uni work and also projects at work itself.
D18 although still ill is gradually getting better thank you. Her face still looks pretty swollen but even I hadn't realised until she showed me some photos she had taken of herself just how swollen it had been at the beginning. She is no longer taking pain killers and is starting to get frustrated at having to stay at home. I explained to her that this is a good sign as it shows her body is feeling better. He BF came to see her tonight so that has helped a little.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
